Today was and will continue to be a very fabulous day! Not only did I write a very catchy song, but I wore my new shirt, my favorite capri pants, my hair curled nicely, and I got to eat lunch! AND (drumroll, please) I got my speech credits transferred! This speech credit transfer situation has been a big deal and today all it took was five minutes with Dr. Adams, she wrote something on a paper and wam, bam, stamp! My credits were transferred, no questions asked! How easy was that? Do you KNOW what it would be like to take speech AGAIN as a SENIOR with 20 credits?! That would be horrible. Danny is visiting this weekend from OSU and I am SO excited about that and tomorrow we're going on a DATE! Go Amanda! He's totally one of the coolest people I know and definitely one of the best people to talk to about anything. The nice thing is that he can tell me to shutup and I can tell him to shutup and no one gets offended. I guess it's that way with most of my guy friends. I'm scared of girls :-p

Oh! And Precious and I talked for like an hour lastnight after Campus Crusade. She is so AWESOME! I love that girl! And guess what? She can't go home for the summer because she doesn't have the money. Oh yes, she's from Nigeria. Is that cool or what? I always ask her stupid questions like, "Do they have pretzels in Nigeria?" She thinks I'm crazy. Anyway, the guys are totally different in Nigeria, she says, because they treat their women like queens. I need to go there. American guys treat women like objects...even the ones who are nice have this embedded culture in their veins that possesses them and overtakes their minds, saying "Be evil, be evil, be evil!" This is probably due to several aspects of American culture, including women who act like their nothing but objects and of course, the media. And because it's in the water or something. Who knows. At least we have yummy peanut butter because Nigeria doesn't have that. And you know what? I think I'd rather have yummy peanut butter than a gruveling guy anyway.

In other news, I had a dream that a bear was chasing me. It was really terrible. I have dreams like that every now and then that something is chasing me and I HATE it because it's like I just can't escape. Wherever I go, it's there. In my dream the bear was coming at me in a lake and I grabbed its mouth and held it shut. Too bad--I think that's what you're supposed to do with an alligator, not a bear. Luckily I woke up before it got me.

Saddam Hussein is so ugly. It looks like the fat on his forehead is going to roll down over his big ol' eyebrows and completely cover his eyes! I think that if he isn't already dead, he will be soon because he suffering from some sort of botulism.

Well it was a very productive day! I completed my schedule and discovered that, wow, I am a psychology minor! Who knew? And I talked to one of my past English professors and he made me feel really good about myself. I have two English classes next semester and one is with our new professor, which is so exciting but also a little scary :) English people tend to be a little scary and on the weird side, you know. Just take a look at all the weirdo English majors! Hahaha, just kidding! I'd love to be an English major....if I really had faith in myself...and could get motivated more easily....and didn't like teaching so much....and if I needed to take classes in order to just be the most awesome writer EVER! Okay, I'm done. Anyway, I hope that I'll just get to write children's books and notes home to the parents and IEP's you know...the fun stuff! I also got a care package in the mail and a letter from my Aunt Vicky! These thoughtful people are so....HALL-MARK-ish as Jeff would say. Good job, kids! When I'm rich, I'm gonna buy you a bunch of note cards from one of my top ten favorite stores...the one and only place to buy cards...Hallmark! Don't talk to Veronica because she is a traitor!!!!

I used to want to write cards for Hallmark. But all I could come up with "I hope your birthday is as awesome as you are!" Or something like that. I always write horribly long notes in my cards and that is why I buy blank ones. I don't like the long cards they make in stores because I never read them anyway and remember--NEVER, EVER under ANY circumstances buy a boyfriend or girlfriend a "Just Between You and Me" card from Hallmark! If you receive one, you MUST break off the relationship ASAP. And you know, if anyone even ever thinks about buying me one of those things, he better think about it long and hard because if he loves me THAT much he can write his own stinkin' card and save about 4 bucks.

Yes I'm done now. Goodnight!

I'm feeling especially child-centered today, so I wrote a poem about how I feel about my experiences today with kids. Here goes!
It rhymes and I hate rhymes and it's cheesy but that's what teachers do, isn't it?! Oh well. Read on.


When they greet you by name as you walk in the door,
When they climb in your lap as you sit on the floor,
When they smile proudly and show you their masterpiece,
When they peek through the holes of their American cheese,
When they fall asleep soundly in your arms,
When they cower into your sleeve to keep them from harm,
When they cry puddles of tears upon your shoulder,
When they try so hard to pretend to be older,
When they run, skip, and jump everywhere they go,
When they disobey no matter how many times you say no,
When they laugh during stories because of that silly voice,
When they prefer holding your hand if they are given a choice,
When they color pictures just for you,
When they accomplish something you thought they’d never do,
When they reach the top and look towards the bottom,
When they keep on climbing because they know you’ve get ‘em,
When they cheer, “I did it myself!”
When they move on and you place their old photos upon your shelf,
When you look and see how much they grew
When you look and see how much they love you,
When you look and see how far they’ve come,
When you look and see how far they’ll go,
It’s then you’ll see there’s much more to this show,
The things they’ve taught you, the things you now know—
There are more important things in life than big adult worries and fears,
There’s more than just dreams and careers.
There are hearts, there are smiles, there are things to be done.
There are children to teach and battles to be won.
There are mountains to climb and chances to fall.
So many things for us to be re-taught and children can teach them all.

Today I am going to write about something that often goes unwritten because we are ashamed to speak of it. Humans, UNITE! We must come out of our shells and discuss that which keeps us moving, that which keeps us smelling, that which keeps us healthy! An amazing process, an amazing product, that every human produces at some point or another! It is a part of us, though not for long, it is important! It's fascinating! It comes in a variety of shapes, sizes, and colors! Yes folks, it's one of my favorite topics! It's poop!

This year I have embarked on a new journey for my digestive system, and that is drinking two glasses of juice every day. Wow! It has been so thrilling and wonderful. The ease! Poop should never be painful! It should always be a wonderful, good-feeling experience. And it is, kids, ohhhh, it is...

So enjoy this fascinating product! Don't be afraid to take a peek before you flush and show all your friends when it reaches from one end of the toilet to the other! Be proud, not ashamed! Say "POOP" with no reservation! Say it backwards: POOP! It's wonderful, wonderful, wonderful!!!

Sorry, two entries in one day. This entry is dedicated to the coolest guy I know, my favorite Jeff. Here's what he wrote in his online thingy the other day. Hope he doesn't mind if I copy and paste it here :) It's just too sweet.

" I want my wife to tell me to shut up when I whine when I am sick. Then when I get up for work she has set cough drops by my keys. Maybe a little note that says she is thinking of me. I want to be totally in adoration to her. I want her to be my hero."
-Jeff B.

Well, aren't my posts wonderful at night right before I go to bed? Apologies for the last psycho entry.

As you know, if you are a faithful reader of my little page here, my mom, brother, and sister visited this weekend. My sister was in rare form at lunch yesterday. Here's a conversation that went something like this:

Sara tucks a napkin into her shirt like a bib.
Sara: "Look! I'm George Washington, like from the 1980's!!! Is that when you were born, Mom?"
Mom: Laughing, "No, that's when Amanda was born."
Sara: "Oh, the 1970's then!" Holds fingers in awkward position as some kind of "sign" and shouts, "Groovy, dude!"
Mom: Now laughing hysterically, says, "I don't think George Washington talked like that."
Sara: "Gnarly, man!" (Makes the "Hang Loose" gesture with hand).


Later in the conversation:
Sara: "I can see Mom just chasing a cow with a knife and salt."
Amanda: "What??"
Sara: "So she can have a steak!"

I just watched the movie, Maid in Manhatten. It was good, and even made me cry :) I always cry at fairy tales, including Disney movies. But the crying at fairy tale phase did not begin until this past year or so. I think that after realizing that chances are slim to none that anything like a fairy tale will happen to me, that guys suck and never actually say things like they do in fairy tales, that no one could ever fall in love like that with ME, they never make any sort of effort anyway, and that even the guys who ARE like that creep me out, fairy tales make me sad. Is the fairy tale too much to hope for?

Well, maybe so, maybe not, but whatever the answer, the fairy tale shouldn't be too much to hope for. Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I need to stop falling for complete idiots/jerks. But then again, maybe, someday, I will have the fairy tale. If I do ever have it, it'll most likely be a little yellow house in the woods instead of a big castle, or a pink house with several lawn ornaments and a cat instead of a husband, but it will be my fairy tale, and I will be happy ;-)

But until that day, I'm going to be happy anyway, because not only is God totally awesome, but I do already live with some of the best people ever, and I'm almost constantly surrounded by people who love me a whole lot more than any loser Muskie boy ever could. So here's to you, Muskingum! Thanks for NOT providing me with the fairy tale romance, and instead giving me awesome friends instead. He couldn't have planned it any better :)

Hello, Hello, Hello!!! It's a beautiful morning here in NC, Ohio. Yesterday was a way cool day, although I have gotten very little work done this weekend. Not only did I eat at my favorite restaurant and get my two favorite things (french fries and a steak sandwich...with iced tea) TWICE this week (and we're going again tonight), but KANSAS WON (I almost threw up I was so nervous), I danced my bootie off at the 5 dollar prom with the best date EVER, Sharon Rebecca, and I heard Sharon sing like an angel at the music thingy. What a day! I also slept in till 11. Woohoo! Now my mom, brother, and sister are here to spend the night! They're cute :)

More tomorrow!

This entry is dedicated to Kari, one of my very bestest friends, I love you, girl.

Well, I slept till 11 and since then I've done some work but mostly I've spent way too much time getting ready for some international education honorary inductions. I still need to do makeup. I'm wearing my new teacher outfit--my very first real teacher outfit purchase at a real teacher store. I love it. Total money I'll be spending on honoraries throughout my college career: 180 dollars. Daggone. Just think if I were in a sorority. Luckily, my friends don't require payment :)

Tony L.: You're awesome :) You owe Kari and I at least 80 bucks for the show lastnight.

Next, I'll be going to the honorary thing, then watching the Kansas vs. Arizona game at 7, then stopping by the band thing tonight in Kelley, and then I'll probably head over to the $5 prom in JGG. I'm pretty pumped about the game, but I'm confident...I think Duke is better than Arizona, and we beat Duke so hey, we got a chance. But you never know...the best team doesn't always win :) I'll be gettin' my groove on later though, so it's all good...but if Kansas loses, I'll have to go into mourning for the next two days. ;-)

Dear Nick Collison,

Hi sweetie :) Just a reminder, I like white gold, not yellow.
Oh, and you'll have to ask ALL my parents. Please note: Beware of mother.
I like daisies, not roses. Picnics, not fancy restaurants. Zoos, ballets, concerts, plays and art museums, not movie theaters.
Camping, not hotels. You can have a sports car, too, if you want. The mini van can wait. :)

Love,
Amanda

Agenda for the day:

9:50 pm Kansas vs. Duke

and, just a side note....

Watch Notre Dame LOSE MISERABLY.

Well folks, I'm super tired. But being busy does have its ups...

Yesterday's Schedule:
6:00 am Wake up, get ready, dress nice, eat oatmeal for breakfast
6:45 am Leave for work
7:00-9:00 Work at Before/After School Program
9:05 Return to Lighthouse
9:10 Pack an orange and a fruit bar to eat in case of starvation.
9:15 Leave for The Learning Center Kindergarten/Preschool in Zanesville
9:45 Arrive at the Learning Center (I didn't get lost!)
9:45-2:30 Observe, play, read, watch piano lessons, read thousands of books out loud, made Easter decorations, watched children eat lunch
2:30 Leave The Learning Center
2:35 Stop at McDonald's, order french fries and double cheeseburger (successfully made it through a drive thru, 4th time in my life using those weird speaker things...I hate those speakers...usually go inside).
2:40 Leave McDonald's for the Salvation Army in Cambridge
3:10 Arrive in Cambridge
3:12 Stop at Yard Sale and ask, "Do you know where the Salvation Army is?"
3:15 Stop at License Bureau and ask, "Do you know where the Salvation Army is?"
3:17 Find Salvation Army by guessing. I think to myself, "This building looks like it could be a Salvation Army."
3:17:30 Spot Lindsay pulling in parking lot.
Joy fills my heart.
3:19 Go into the Salvation Army, tutor, play Jenga with kids, turn down a taste test for yogurt with the excuse, "I'm lactose intolerant." (I think to myself, "Thank God.")
5:25 Leave Salvation Army
5:38 Arrive at school, park in front of Montgomery.
5:40 Arrive at class, ten minutes late, apologizing for my tardiness.
6:00 Begin eating orange.
7:30 Excused from class one hour early.
7:40 Change into shorts and a t-shirt.
7:45 Lie in bed, stare at ceiling.
7:50 Still staring at ceiling
7:55 Do some crunches because I feel fat from the McDonald's food.
7:56 Turn on TV. Turn from Trading Spaces to ESPN. No basketball scores.
Watch American Idol instead. Not impressed.
8:15 Walk downstairs for Bible Study.
10:00 Bible Study over, get ready for bed.

Today

7:00 Alarm rings. I need to wake up in order to study for test.
7:10 Alarm rings again. I need to wake up in order to study for test.
7:20 Alarm rings again. I press sleep button once more.
7:22 Get out of bed. Go to the restroom. Walk back in room, pull out study sheet and start studying.
8:00 Shower full. No shower today. Get ready to the best of my ability without bathroom access.
8:45 Leave for elementary school. Car too far away. Walk.
9:00 Arrive at school.
9:15 Begin observing student. Write down every single thing he does for one hour.
10:15 Leave school.
10:30 Arrive at class.
11:30 Leave class, go to work.
12:30 Leave work, go to BOC.
Study for test in BOC for one hour, eat orange, peanut butter crackers, and cookies.
1:30 Class
2:15 Study for test.
2:30 Take test.
3:15 Test done, leave for Salvation Army with Lindsay
3:31 Arrive at Salvation Army.
5:20 Leave Salvation Army
5:35 Arrive at Muskingum, go to meeting for work.
6:30 Leave meeting for work.
6:38 Arrive at Lighthouse, get ID.
6:40 Talk to guys outside dining hall. Turn down opportunity to eat saurkraut and weiner schnitzel at German House.
6:41 Say hi to Susan and Wade in dining hall.
6:44 Sit with Lindsay, Leslie, Kelly, and Danielle with my lasagna and bean soup.
6:57 Leave dinner, return to the Lighthouse.
7:00-7:15 Stare at wall.
Read three chapters, type up observation of every single thing child did in observation, fill in log sheets for field experience, talk to girls, spend half an hour writing in online diary....
go to bed!

When I was little, my mom, dad and I would sometimes go visit my great uncle Pat at his cabin by the Mohican River. It's not a very nice cabin, but I think it had a screened in porch of some kind, or maybe just a little pavilion type of thing. I know the pavilion is there but I'm not sure about the porch. Anyway, for some reason, I remember it storming there. And even though it was kind of scary, it really was beautiful. The smell of the rain, the river, the grass, that damp, old cabin, the feather pillow on the lofted bed...all of it was beautiful. At the time, it was just somewhere I was because my parents took me there and it was something I did because well, I had to. I didn't have any other thoughts, there was nowhere else I wanted to be, and even though I probably shouldn't have, I felt completely safe there, in that little junky cabin, with my parents, cuddled up with a feather pillow, and most likely, one of my dad's sleeping bags (plaid on the inside, blue on the outside, always smelled the same...like a tent!)...a storm rolling outside...

At camp this summer, I slept out in the woods for a few weeks with tents full of campers, and one time a tent with just me. Now, the tent with just me was absolutely terrifying, but for the sake of this entry, I'll ignore that. There were no storms at night while at camp, thank goodness, but one of the most beautiful things is falling asleep with real wind on my face and the shadows of trees in my mind. If the last thing I could hear every night, always, before I went to sleep was crickets chirping, the last thing I saw--the moon's light creating shadows amongst the trees, and if the first thing I saw every morning was sunlight, the first thing I heard--birds chirping...wow, I think that would be rather close to Heaven. And while being out there, I should have been a little scared, at least, but I wasn't. I felt so safe. As a child, I may have felt safe because my parents were right there with me. But now I'm all "grown up," and in some cases, like at camp, I have others (like kids) that feel safe because I'm there. There's not always going to be someone to protect me, there's not always going to be someone to ask, to cry to, to talk to... When I was a kid, I had all that (think of kids who don't) right within my reach. An adult was almost always in sight to protect and provide. Who is there for me now?

Well, of course I still have my parents, my family, my friends. But, I guess after realizing that they just can't be there 24/7, realizing that others are depending on ME to protect, to provide, I've realized that wow, it's a really important job, not only because it's the "job," but people will depend on me, on you...people will put their faith, and their trust, in me, to protect and provide for them. Scary, eh? It should be terrifying, but it's not. Why? Wow, the way God makes me feel safe, protected, provided for, even when my parents and friends aren't necessarily within a 2 foot radius, is awesome. So I know I can have faith and trust in Him to protect me and provide for me, so that I can do my best at serving others, no matter what it is---Whether it's sleeping by the door of the tent, being ready for allergies with shots of epinephrine, leading the way on a dark trail, staying up when others are down....I know God can give me that strength, that confidence...

Because no one can protect and provide like God can.

Someday, I think I'll return to a place that's much like my childhood, in that cabin, with my parents, because they brought me there, sleeping in absolute peace, because there are no worries and no fears.

And someday I'll be in that place, where there's no place I'd rather be.
My thoughts will not be anywhere else.
And I'll be there because God brought me there.
And I'll feel safe, because He's my Father,
and He loves me.

I hate it when I get lectured for just speaking my mind. I know that basketball isn't everything and that it's wrong to bet on things and be money hungry, and I am well aware that I am going to Heaven, thank you very much, and that God loves me and He is the center of my life and that basketball certainly isn't, I don't need to be reminded, I only try to liven things up a bit by exagerrating my losses and being silly about it, not intending to be whiny or ungrateful for what I do have, which is a lot. So here in my diary, where I can freely express myself and say what I really think and be just as judgmental as those who lecture me rather often, I would just like to say, LIGHTEN UP! I'm just playin' you know. Some people just have to know EVERYTHING. Well, I'll have you know, I already know everything, so keep it to yourself. :)

Okay, I'm sorry. I was being silly again. I'm really not that mean :)

Besides, being totally sad about Florida's loss is a whole lot easier than being sad about the war that is constantly televised, which is a real sort of sadness that I've been casually dodging on this diary because I just don't want to write about it, although I do talk about it often. And it's a lot easier mourning for Florida than it is to mourn over other recent situations in my life, which really have no need for mourning anyway, but chatting with the guys about basketball sure is fun because I've never been able to do that before.

Okay, so in other news, God is totally awesome. I can't go into detail here, but wow, everyday He teaches me something way new and builds me up and it's like I grow closer and closer to overcoming that which has been challenging me lately. And it's like every time I open my Bible I somehow end up reading a verse that says something like "GET OVER IT!" Or, even better, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME, AMANDA? YOU'RE BEING SO STUPID!" Okay, so God doesn't really talk to me like that, but I know if I write the Bible verses in here, you won't actually read them, but that's sorta what God's been saying to me. To make a long story short, God has work for me to do. The longer I dwell on stupid things that aren't worth dwelling on, the more damage I'm bringing on myself and all that God has planned for me. I ain't goin' out like that.

And if you really are interested, check out Romans chapters 1 and 2.

Grace and peace and love to all of you!

Go Kansas!

Nothing compares to the anger and frustration that I feel right now as Florida is sucking beyond all suckage and is now out of the bracket which I picked as the number 2 team, stupid me. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Florida, I had faith in you. I will never again visit your state. It sucks anyway. I think I'm going to cry. Grrrrrrrrr! And you know what Central Michigan? I'm never visiting you, either. Notre Dame, I don't like you either and I will never watch Rudy again. When I am poor and homeless, I'm suing all of you because you just lost me like a hundred bucks.

So, it turns out that I am like, totally winning in the basketball brackets thing. Am I awesome or what? I totally predicted UConn beating whatever team it was they beat. But Notre Dame? What's up with you? You guys suck. Illinois was supposed to win. You better lose next time. Kansas, you guys are awesome. I really must have a sixth sense at predicting these things. The guys at the No-Program House were making fun of me and girls for picking teams based on their colors and mascots. My argument was: "I didn't even know the colors OR the mascots of ANY of the teams when I picked them. So there!" Hmmm. I think I deducted 95 brownie points off of my "cool" score with that "argument." But hey, when I'm rich, they'll be sorry.

Not to be a downer but, ummm...not having a boyfriend on the weekends is just not very fun.

Then again, having a boyfriend wasn't that great either.

Ha! What's a girl to do?

Ohmigosh Veronica, that makes me so happy that you have hallucinations too! Yes, it started when I had mono. See, when I had mono, for a long time I didn't know it was mono. I didn't know that a common thing with mono is to have weird dream-like hallucinations. I was also very depressed. I don't know if it's because my neurotransmitters were out of wack or if it's because I was sad because I was tired all the time and my cross country times were totally sucking or what, but at any rate, I was very depressed and having strange hallucinations. I don't have hallucinations now like I did then, but a couple times I thought I saw scary monkies under my covers and in my closets. It never lasted long and I realized it wasn't real, but I was really beginning to think I was schizophrenic, especially since this was about the same time I really started reading things backwards. Now reading things backwards is probably not a symptom of schizophrenia, but I was still thinking I might have some serious psychological disorder. I would also see "shadowy" things, like Veronica described, especially at night. I would be driving home from Bible study and see people or dogs lined up along the road. I told myself "It's not real, it's not real." And of course I couldn't tell anyone about it, because I figured they'd put me in an institution. Well, the backwards reading really started, I think, because I'd always done it without realizing it but also because I was so tired and bored during my cross country races (because I was running like 27's and dragging along all by myself) and practices that I had to keep my mind occupied somehow.

So I was just at the track meet and stupid Ben Gadfield wasn't there. Now I haven't seen stupid Ben Gadfield in like two years and I think it's because he's avoiding me like the plague. Stupid Ben Gadfield, I am very angry. I know I overwhelm you with how much I totally love you, but come on, gimme a break! I can't help it! So come on, stupid Ben and stop avoiding me! Going to the Carolinas for Spring Break with the track team is no excuse. I know you only really went there because you didn't want to talk to me. ;-) And what's up with you stupid Ryan Hochstetler? Can't even talk to me because your girlfriend is around? That's booty. You're so awkward about things like that. It's not like I would expect YOU to introduce me to her or anything, but in case you forgot, buddy, we've known each other since we were TWO. TWO! And we went through track and cross country and of course, our messed up, jacked up relationship together! Therefore, we have literally been through it all! Potty training, running, love, hate, etc. So don't ignore me just because your girlfriend is around!

She is cute, by the way :) Score for Ryan! Woooh! She's fast too!

Thank goodness I have Winey and Jeff to make up for you two losers! I'm glad someone remembers little Amanda at Muskingum who IS a human being!

In response to your comments, YES Jeffosterone is far worse than any osterone in the world. It never fails in making me cry or making me really, really angry. And YES Kansas IS a good pick because they are THE BEST doggone it! EVERYONE should know THAT. If you don't, then you are such a pathetic loser. I can't believe you people who don't follow your basketball stats. Sheesh.

20 hours of field experience down, 50 to go! Woohoo! I taught two lessons today that were nearly catastrophic in Amanda terms because they were not perfect. However, that was not MY fault. ;-) They went well, nonetheless, and my cooperating teacher gave me very high scores. I don't need high scores though because I'm gonna be a bomb of a teacher no matta what n-e-one says...boo yaw!

Okay, I'm done with that.

Hmmm. Campus Crusade tonight--might be fun, might be a bit challenging, but I'm up for it. Knock 'em dead, Amanda, knock 'em dead (oh no, not literally of course! Goodness me!)!

I think I got water in my ears.

I dyed my hair this reddish color lastnight. Brad said it looks "punked out." I did it for you, Beav, in honor of us. Okay, not really. But it did make me think of ya.

I'm still in a mood swing state, and quite tired actually. When I'm tired I hallucinate small rodents running around randomly. I think I need a psychiatrist. I wonder what Prozac would do to me. I think I'd be a complete nutball and no one would be my friend because I'd be sooooooo happy and freakish ALL the time, like Amanda craze times 7. At least I wouldn't turn into a JERK out of the blue for no reason like I often do. :) Speaking of JERKS,
I haven't had beef jerky in a long time. I've never really liked it, but it has an addicting flavor. I hope I don't eat any anytime soon, but if I had the opportunity, I probably would. Kind of like cupcakes.

Okay, I need to wash my hands because they smell all pineappley because of my hair gel. Ta-ta-for now!

Grace and peace <><

Besides my constant mood swings which drift from "Get-away-from-me-or-I'll-karate-chop-you" to acting totally weirdo, today's been an okay day. Five minutes from now, I'm sure I'll say it sucked, but hey, that's five minutes from now. As of this moment, I think I'm losing my mind! Seriously! Sometimes I just get all jittery and excited inside for no reason at all. Oh, and mom and JR will get a huge kick out of this. I joined in one of those basketball bracket things the guys are doing, along with Kendra and Lindsay and whoever else. And you know what? I am so excited for it all to start. I have this very competitive edge, so you can bet your bottom I'm going to be watching to make sure I'm getting my points I need to WIN. Kansas is going all the way!!!! I have no idea why I picked Kansas. I have no idea what their mascot is, their colors, or anything like that. The only thing I know about Kansas is that they have a lot of tornadoes and the capital is Topeka. They also have some Native American reservations. But I'm sure I'll learn a LOT about basketball now that I have motivation to watch it. Maybe I'll even learn some basketball player names!!! I do not know of ONE single basketball player in the NCAA. Not one! I'll have to pick a favorite. How will I go about that? Well, duh, whoever's the hottest! :) Just kidding. I'm not THAT pathetic. ;-) It's only 90% of the decision. And no, it's not about the money either. It's about ADRENALINE and my own Amandosterone, which I am pretty sure is definitely a chemical running through my veins that is far more dangerous than any male chemical in the WORLD. Which any of my relatives could probably tell you is NOT something you want to confront because, although it's not ALWAYS evil, it's pretty crazy.

Let the madness begin! Mwahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, guess what? I got my ring off of my injured finger! It is healing quite nicely. I don't think it will fall off afterall. I injured it on a basketball too! Ha! How ironic!

Peace and God bless :) I love you all, and, don't worry, I really am okay.

Grrrrrrr.....

Field Experience is Stressing Me OUT!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Soooong (lalalala!) For You!!!!!!

When I watch you while you're sleeping,
When I hold you while you're dreaming,
It feels so incredible to me.
I don't know just where we're going,
I don't know what God's doing,
But something's happening to me.
It's something that risky,
It's something that scares me,
'Cause when I jump, it's going to be some kind of fall...

(sung to the tune of "row, row, row your boat." Just kidding :) Oh well.)

SOME people are so selfish. How do they sleep at night?? I don't know.

Hi :) I've decided to just not worry about school and all this homework stuff. My main concern right now is getting my field experience hours in, which will be much easier now that I have a car (THANKS MOM!!!!). But my main concern is spending time with friends :) Because they make me happy and school work does NOT! :) I've been sleeping every chance I get. I don't know if that flu bug is still eating me or if sleeping is just a whole lot easier than thinking. I think it's a bit of both. I just got back from dinner and I actually ate more than a few bites. Go me! I'm a little worried about completing my field experience hours and getting my Pathwise lesson in and seeing all the speakers I need to see, but I'm figuring those things will all work out. If they don't, I can just blame all those stinkin' snow days we've had around here. So those are things that were on my mind today. I'm sure you liked hearing about it. Hehehehe :-)

I talked to one of my profs today about the Africa trip and told her I've decided that I definitely, definitely want to do it and definitely want to go. I'm trying to fanagle a way to get Muskingum to pay the 300 dollar application fee. I certainly do not have 300 dollars. Next thing to fanagle? Getting them to pay for all my immunizations. Hopefully my "sweet" voice will do its wonders on that one. Perhaps I could get them to pay for a camera. And film.

I've decided to meet an African prince or nice missionary guy while I'm there. Maybe I'll end up marrying an African. That would be so weird! I don't know though, that would be hard, I think. Cultural differences can run deep, you know. My mom would really freak if I lived in Africa and all her grandbabies were half a world away. Well, I'm just being silly anyway. We all know I'll be living with my cat and a porcelain lawn collection till the day I die. ;-) Can you imagine me being an African princess? I bet the country would be a little agitated, me not being African and all. Maybe not. I hear they're pretty accepting. I don't even know if they have royalty anywhere over there. I saw in a children's book that they do, but I don't know. I hope that if I do marry an African, though, that he's circumcised. But if he's not, I won't make him do it, because that is really horrible. I don't know what the big deal is, but it's one of those "cultural" things that I think I'd have a hard time with.

hehehehe. Sorry, just trying to humor it up a bit :)

Okaaaaaay! Out with that and in with good, happy things now!

MuskieFest was AWESOME! One of my top ten favorite things in the world is Jr. High ministry and this was just rockin. The kids were great, the speaking was great, the bands were great (especially Faded Me, check out their website at FadedMe.com...they are AMAZING guys!!!), the games were great, the crafts were great, everything was great! The only bad thing is that I really hurt my finger playing "Knockout" (basketball game) and now my finger is really swollen, got some busted capillaries, some bruising, and all that...and my ring is stuck on my finger and probably cutting off the circulation. I don't know what to do, but icing isn't helping. Hmmm. But even THAT is pretty cool because I never get injured and injuries make me feel tough! The flu symptoms are going away bit by bit and I am way excited at what God has in store for me, like tomorrow, and tonight, and next week and next year....! Eeek! It's just cool. I feel very "freed up" which is a very good feeling, only I wish I could spend every waking moment with Susan, Lindsay, Kendra, and Sharon and for some reason that just isn't possible! And Kate, you are way awesome too, and I am MAD that you are on THE DARK SIDE! Ohhh and Creno's pizza is soo good! I wanted to eat nine pieces but I could only do three (very small square/strip pieces). I'm still not back into the whole "eating" process yet. The good thing is that I've lost five pounds. Yay for the flu, man! Did more for me than working out for two months! :)

Okay, I'm off. Read Philippians 3. It's a good one.

Grace and LOVE <><

Let me just say that I am so thankful for guy friends as well. (The other day I mentioned girl friends). Despite the fact that every single guy I date and probably ever will date is or will be a complete moron, at least I have great guy friends who remind me that there's always someTHING better, there's always someONE better, and that I am a likeable, loveable person. (Not that I ever doubted my lovableness :) When a girl has been schisted and pooped on in the most horrible, horribly painful ways, there's nothing better than being surrounded by people who love her. They don't fill the void...they overflow it a million times seven with love that is totally Christ. I don't know why God decides every once in awhile to remind me that (SOME) people cannot be trusted and betrayal lies behind every freakin corner, but I think if there's one thing I get out of this, it's that the Lord has blessed me with friends that are no less than amazing...and yes, even some that I CAN and KNOW I can trust. I feel like in this situation right now, I should definitely NOT be okay because it is NOT a cool situation but totally by the grace of God, somehow I am okay, and actually, pretty great, despite some anger and bitterness and complete lack of understanding as to why, why, why some people are so stupid....sigh....but that's beside the point, and I'm working and praying about those angry/bitter/misunderstanding feelings. Anger is hardly ever good, and I think that 80 percent of my anger is not good, so I admit that, I am at fault in many ways for feeling that way, only because I am human, I think, and because I do have feelings and a heart (despite what some people must think). I just want to plead with you, people, not to hurt others by breaking their trust. It is the worst, it must be the absolute worse sort of way to hurt someone. Why didn't they just gouge out my eyeballs or something? I don't know. It'd be much less painful, and much quicker. Anyway, thank God for friends! And thank God for His love because it's the BEST!

I am pretty excited because we think we might just have up to or over 100 people total at MuskieFest. This is very exciting, but I do hope my headache, stuffy nose, sore throat, and cough go away. I feel miserable physically but mentally man, I am there. I am SO there! I think my whole head is just filled with mucus. Pretty soon I think it's gonna bust outta my forehead. I'm gonna go lay down for a bit...

...there was no use stopping now. It felt like she might be falling, only she was falling with a noose around her neck and hoping someone would catch her. She was trusting that someone would catch her. And if not? No, no, no. She had not even begun to jump. It was time--it was almost time to jump. And she was scared.

Part of her knew, just knew that she would surely die. And another part of her said,
-Just trust me.

But there was no one to trust.

Well, boys suck once again...why do I kid myself? Thank goodness for girl friends :)

Well, I have decided not to return to school today because I had a temperature of 102 earlier but I think I'm getting better. Now my temperature is 98.4. Sara is still stick, my apple pie was ruined, and I nearly killed our dog lastnight because he's a pain. :)

Okay, bye!

Hi :) I'm home right now babysitting for two days. On the agenda: Spaghetti for dinner, making apple pie and cupcakes tomorrow morning, and spending quality time with the sibs. However, I'm feeling quite under the weather with waves of nausea, little Sara came home from school sick with some kind of fly and she's vomiting everywhere, the DOG is even throwing up in random places around the house, and Jordan's been feeling ucky, so I wouldn't be surprised if he came home sick, too! Sad, huh? My little Sara is out like a light. I'm going to go now...the dog is heaving up something...!

I love you all!

Today was just an emotional rollercoaster. I have no idea why, but for some reason God gave women the gift of emotional instability and blessed me with a double dose.

So, I was watching this show, Third Rock from the Sun, which I’m sure normal people have seen before, but I really haven’t, and it was the doggone funniest thing I’d seen in a long time.

List of Things from Today:

1. WalMart for two hours is not fun when it’s Sunday after church, you can’t find anything you need, you don’t have a list, and people always walk on the left side instead of the right. STUPID!

2. WalMart for two hours is not a good place to go after an awesome two hours at church. I was feeling so spiritually uplifted and as the minutes ticked away at WalMart, my headache just got worse and worse and worse and....

3. God does not answer prayer on our time schedule. And I am in no way frustrated with that.

4. It is nearly impossible to be humble.

5. To be humble is to be “overcome” by the Father.

6. I saw How to Get Rid of a Guy in Ten Days and came home feeling all weird and wishing I had roses.

7. Then I got mad at myself for thinking stupid things like that.

8. Our stupid dog has a serious oral fixation.

9. If that dog doesn’t leave my cat alone I’m going to wire his mouth shut and glue him to the roof.

10 He’s so cute when he’s sleeping, though! And it’s so nice when he’s calm and cuddly!

I have been tempted to write a nice, long letter to the editor of our town newspaper lately about how horrible our community is at supporting our schools. I am so disgusted by the City of Orrville and their stupid "logic" of how schools should be run and how they should perform. But you know what? I can't even write to the editor of our newspaper because oh yes, we don't have one. A town with almost 9,000 people doesn't have a normal newspaper. A town with 9,000 people where 50 percent of them think junior high sports should be done away with. Are you a bunch of idiots or what? Maybe you should go back to high school (if you graduated) and learn about how kids who are involved are kids who succeed, are less likely to be involved in drugs, alcohol, and other stupid things like that. Maybe you should learn that hands-on experiences are priceless, trips to museums and experiences with the arts (museums, plays, musicals) are a necessity, not a luxery. I would think these things would be common sense. Anyone with a brain would know these things, I don't have to give you statistics. "Get your grades up!" People keep saying, and they'll support the schools more. Well, are you aware that Orrville, with a rather diverse population of recent immigrants from Laos and other such places, with students in lower socioeconomic status, and other factors, are being compared to schools like Smithville, which is mostly middle class, all white students and Wooster, which is a huge school that offers tons of classes and extracurriculars, is a college town, far less diverse, etc. etc. Our scores compared to these schools are obviously going to be lower. But despite that, our scores can be higher if our stupid, stupid, stupid community would support the schools. The teachers are bad, too, they say...well what the heck kind of good teacher would want to teach in a school like that? I am disgusted by my hometown. And teachers keep having affairs with students. Sick. Don't move there.

I got my girl scout cookies!!!! Yahooooo!

Busy week busy week! Don't be surprised if I don't write in here much.

Prayer Requests:

I am being Pathwise observed on Thursday. Pray that my teacher/observer scores me well...she's never done it before so she'll probably be either really tough or fairly easy (she's pretty picky, so I'm thinking she'll be tough).

I am interviewing a family in Senecaville on Thursday evening. Pray that I can find the house (yes, pray a lot about that, if you know me well, you know I'll most likely get lost on the way back). I have to interview the family on things about their child who has a disability...and I'm not altogether comfortable with that, since it seems like I'm being awfully nosy. So pray that the family is understanding and that I feel comfortable, and that the family benefits from this interview more than I do...and doesn't feel like I am intruding.

Also, pray about MuskieFest. It's almost here and...well, I don't feel very "ready."

Pray for me and Lindsay's trip to Aruba on Thursday. If the choir is going to NY, we're going somewhere even cooler! Hotter, I mean. :) AND We are going to drink MARTINIS all week because BASKETBALL is over! ;-) See, Linds? It's not so bad ;-) We are also going to wear string bikinis and pick up hot guys in speedo-s. Okay, maybe not. That's gross. Muskingum College Concert Choir (some of you, you know who you are): You will be in our hearts! We will send you a nice postcard to ucky, snowy, cold, dirty New York City!

Oh, and guess what? I found my way back from Wendy's all by myself yesterday by sheer knowledge, and I have backed into about 3 parking spaces, including parallel parking along a street by backing in, and I just wrote the first check of my life to join that honorary! See, I am self-sufficient. I just got a slow start :)

I Do Not Dream of You

I breathe, I breathe, I breathe
And do not dream of you.
The bronzed doves bask beneath
Hot coils of endless sky.

I dream, I dream, I dream
Of what must be up there.
So many try to discover.
I stay here.
I wait, I wait, I wait
And do not dream of you.

The paper box companies are selling
Their foods, the drugs are multiplying.
I should do the same. I think on that.

I change my mind.

I still think of more for us
Because I am never satisfied.

I sigh, I sigh, I sigh.

And I do not dream of you.

I know it’s all right because
I do dream
Of what must be up there.

Too scared, I am, so scared
To say I do, to discover.

I stay here.
I wait, I wait, I wait.

Jeff, I really hope that you have not gained that much weight. Please tell me you are joking.

I haven't studied this much since freshman year! I just spent eight hours designing a unit of only 5 lessons and an awfully long annotated bibliography that our professor said would be "easy." Yeah. I think I spent about two hours cleaning the kitchen today as well, but it was a welcome break from all the work I was doing. I had a list of ten things to do this morning at 10 am and I have gotten seven of them done. Yippee! I know you don't care, but I like to just talk about what I have to do and what I don't have to do because it kind of reinforces it in my mind.

I am so amazed that I actually worked today. I don't think I've really done that at all this semester. I've pretty much just been "flyin' by the seat of my pants." I'm not sure if that is the right context, but I feel like I was. Tomorrow I get to go visit Max, my partially adopted son (Dr. Nutt's cat). While I'm there I'll have a chance to jam to some Gershwin and walk around the house feeling very intellectual and elegant at the same time, because that's how his house makes me feel. I like their red dining room, I like the Rip Van Winkle book that sits on the tiny table that was published in the 1800's (original, perhaps? ooooh!) and I like the piano that I can pretend someone is playing while the CD player knocks out those notes like an invisible--yet exhilerating--presence of some kind that just resonates throughout the house. An invisible man, maybe? Ah, the best kind...

;-)

I think Dr. Nutt's house is right up there with the bathroom in the basement of Brown Chapel. You may not remember that entry. I will refresh your memory.

November 22, 2002

My favorite restroom in all the world resides in the basement of Brown Chapel. It is always empty, although very spacious, and lined with Romanesque mirrors. It’s like a restroom for a hundred stage performers that have drifted from existence, left in complete solitude. The room is dimly lit, which softens the features of the reflections seen in the mirrors. I sauntered into this restroom lastnight and there I was, my own reflection, in this window before me. I smiled and suddenly, something hit me (in my mind it hit me, not physically…it wasn’t a baseball or anything). I have changed. That was it. I looked at myself and realized that I look older—not better, not worse, just older. I liked what I saw—to see that I have changed from what and who I was and to know that I am continually changing.

Okay, today I am going to talk about:

My Day and My Week
Alison
French Fries
Elementary Schools

Read what you want, if anything at all.

Well, I am behind, aren't I? I don't think I have ever gone this long without writing in this thing. Sometimes, I think this thing is unhealthy. Sometimes, I think it's good. It takes a lot of time to keep this thing up to date. My entries at the beginning were so good and now they are just crazy and psychotic (those are two words that mean basically the same thing). So yes, I have been rather busy. I haven't started my unit that I was complaining about last time because it turns out that my cooperating teacher sprung on me that I need to do my Pathwise Observed Lesson next week. This is a huge ordeal in the education world. I have never been Pathwise observed, but it involves designing perfect lesson plans and performing a perfect lesson. Well, I do have a perfect lesson plan, of course, in my head...now I just need to get it on paper...

I thought I had to work today at 11:30 but it turns out that I really didn't. Darn, because I could have slept until about noon if I had known that. But, God had other plans, because this getting up at 10:30 really worked out well for me today--I got a great email from Richard (Kendra's fiance, for those of you who don't know), I ate lunch with some guys I've never eaten with, and I'll still have time to study for my HORRIBLE professor's quiz that he sprung on us on Wednesday. What is it with these people???

We had a speaker yesterday for Campus Crusade. He spoke like four times. Crazy, huh? But anyway, I guess a lot of people "accepted" Christ, something I'd rather call "got saved" but you know what I mean. Awesome, huh?! He was a good speaker, but I have this curse on me because our National Youth Conference in high school was so amazing and had such incredible speakers that any speakers I hear now just don't compare...oh I know it's not about the speaker, but the Holy Spirit, but for some reason, this little past history of mine is sometimes just...strange, I guess. I mean I've heard Ron Hutchcraft, Joshua McDowell, that Bob? guy from the Bronx, Chuck and Luci Swindoll...I mean those people are, I think, some of the best, most powerful speakers in the country. I don't know why I can be so critical during other speakers,because I know the speaker himself or herself isn't so important--not at all. Sigh. Human inadequacy.

Next topic: Alison. Alison is Veronica's friend from Bedford, I think she is from Bedford, see I don't even really know, and I met her once very,very briefly but she started reading my online diary and I hear she thoroughly enjoys it. Well, she sent me a card in the mail--homemade and everything! It was one of the sweetest, encouraging,and adorable cards I have ever received, totally surprising and unexpected and it really meant a lot to me. I mean, a lot. It meant so much that I think I'm going to cry right now here in the computer lab because I am emotional that way when people do nice things for me so totally unselfishly. But it was so, so sweet, you know? So I should make her a card, but realistically, I probably won't because I don't have stamps and books of stamps cost a good 7 dollars or something and I have to use my 7 dollars to pay for those GIRL SCOUT COOKIES (YUM!!!!) I ordered. So Alison, I want to thank you, and send a big, big hug your way because you are so thoughtful and I really, really enjoy you. If I ever become rich, I'm going to send you on an all-expenses paid trip to Bali. Seriously, I'm going to make a note of that right here in my datebook.

Next topic: French Fries.
There are several reasons why the college dining hall is now my favorite restaurant. Yes, seriously, my favorite restaurant.

1. Really excellent french fries.
2. Because they have really excellent french fry seasoning now that they put out now because of my request.
3. They put it out at my request.
4. They really do try to make the dining experience a good one because they put out that french fry seasoning.
5. The french fries are, sort of, free, because I'd be paying for 14 meals a week anyway.

One reason why I hate the dining hall:
1. I am going to get fat because now all I want to eat is those french fries and maybe if I could eat french fries with salad it wouldn't be so bad, but I don't like any of their salad dressings.

Next topic: Elementary Schools

Why do they all smell the same?

I should be really stressed out right now. Most people would be. I have a lot of things to do, a lot of stupid little things to take care of, you know how that is, and I still have a work in progress on my report card and my professor is not calling me back and I have a million hours long night class tonight that's going to freak me out because she's going to tell us all this stuff we need to do and remind me of stuff that I haven't done...like observe in a child care center for three hours, a child care center that I don't know where or when that is going to be or anything of that sort, so I'll have to make phone calls and all that and then I have not started my 40 hour field experience at the salvation army and another place where I haven't been told where I am going yet, and I have only gone twice to my third grade classroom which I need 30 hours of experience in, because school keeps being canceled and I have about 30 signs sitting downstairs to hang up on this hill that I do not have time to hang up and I have laundry to do down in the basement that just can't seem to get done and I have to iron all these clothes because I left them in the dryer and I forgot to take a book back to the library that is on Jake's card that is definitely due today and I hope there isn't a charge on it because it's like 25 cents an hour or something crazy like that and I know, Jake, that 25 cents an hour is a lot of money, so I'm going to return that book right now, I promise! And I have a big paper to work on, a unit to design (units are a lot of work, mind you, a lot of work so all you people who think teachers don't have anything to do on the weekends or during the summer can just go to...Happy Land because that is not true and you are very naive for thinking so) and I have to write a check, that's right, a check, for that honorary and I don't even know how to write a check for sure because it's just an I forget what it's called check where I have to write my address and check number on it myself and that is very scary because I'm sure I will forget to write something and then they'll send it back to me or whatever people do when you don't write a check right and then I'll have to like, delete the check or some other complicated thing that I am not sure even what it is called or what to do and I really hate the thought of it altogether I think I might hire an accountant but then I'd have to pay them in checks too, I imagine so maybe I'll just married to an accountant and he can take care of all of it for me but I'm not ready for that sort of thing and I don't like any accountants and the accounting majors here at Muskingum aren't all that promising or very good-looking. Sigh!

:) But I'm not stressed, because I really don't care. I really don't care about any of it! So there!

Now I don't know if anyone else in the world does this--it might just be me, and I might just be the stupidest person alive, but it's something that happens to me every few months or so (give or take) and it annoys the living crap out of me. I don't know what "living crap" is, but this situation that I run into now and then annoys it out of me. I'll be brushing my teeth (usually it's when I am in a hurry or too tired to stand up) and BAM! I jam the toothbrush right smack into my gums, usually at the part where my lips meet my gums--a really sensitive area, mind you, when using your teeth or your lips for anything, really. Well, it really hurts, and I HATE it when it happens. Not only is it one of those things like stubbing my toe or getting a papercut, but it makes me feel like a complete moron.

Now, close your eyes...

Imagine something absolutely hilarious.... (now you can close your eyes again because you had to read this second line after you read the first line, you cheater!)




ha! wasn't that funny?


In life news (this is the sorta stuff I HAVE to write for people like the mom), I spent 7-9 today at work with the crazy kids (they were awesome today, I love them so much!), then spent 11-4 with the third graders, taking an hour lunch break at the restaurant down the street all by myself (I felt so professional like, I almost got coffee), I enjoyed my time with the third graders (I definitely think that I did choose the right profession) I opened a checking account (don't worry mom, Jake's gonna show me how to write checks and Kari will be there for me in anything I need since she is the banking professional), and I backed into a parking space for the first time in my life. Impressive, eh?

So now, here you ARE allowed, I permit you, to say to yourself, "What an incompetent, dependent, immature 21-year-old woman." Yeah, yeah, yeah...I've just been trying to avoid the adult world for too long. It was sad enough the day they started taxing me. Ah, blinkister. It's just unavoidable, I tell ya. Is it bad that I don't want to worry about things like that? Like money and checks and bills and whether or not someone is watching me back into a parking space and thinking "Why the heck is that girl takin so fricken long?" I mean, I don't think that's bad. Maybe I am incompetent or something, but you know, I have spent my childhood well and now it's just all over. It's all over, it's all over because....

I have a checkbook.


Oh stop, I'm not being "pessimistic." It's a joke. Laugh!

Allison, I enjoy you.

Let's talk about honoraries. I think these people make a buttload of money, for one thing. I think that I might give up on the teaching career thing and start an honorary. With an entire network of people, we could send out publications, get the hook up with special "deals" like airlines, restaurants, scholarships, big companies, etc., to provide special "benefits" for our members, and have each member pay the honorary (me) 60 dollars for a lifetime membership, and 30 dollars a year to renew their membership. Every year we would have conferences in several regions, where the members would volunteer to work (you know, a great way to serve and be a friend to all, an important aspect of being in the honorary), speak, and provide other necessities involved in conferences and honoraries. This is my idea of the perfect honorary.

The Fun Honorary

This honorary involves adult-friendly trampolines, those big cage-like things with slides that are filled with plastic multi-colored balls (designed for adults), keyboards that you can play by stepping on them, walking on ceilings and walls with magnetic gloves and shoes, ropes courses, rock climbing, extreme camping, white-water rafting, huge blow-up bouncy rooms like the carnival, lots of french fries and ice cream, amazing food fights--like a whole room full of spaghetti with buckets of mashed potatoes and oatmeal and baked beans to throw on each other, mock talk-show and sitcom sets to record your very own television shows, clowns that you're allowed to beat up and make fun of, lots of costumes for dress-up opportunities, finger painting ANYTHING you want to, slip and slides, huge trees to climb and rappel, huge couches and other furniture to jump on, ice skating, snow sculpturing, awesome bands (only happy bands) that interact with the audience a lot, gigantic popcorn machines, huuuuuge pizzas, mazes, big play structures and slides, swings that you're allowed to jump off of...onto trampolines or bouncy air things, carpet that is three feet deep...etc...anything you can imagine.

Members must pay 60 dollars for a lifetime membership, but for an active role, must pay 30 dollars each following year. They will receive very important, prestigious publications put out by our honorary, and must have a career that involves high stress levels. Careers include: teaching, teaching, and teaching, artists, musicians, business owners, secretaries, factory workers, social work, psychologists, doctors, police officers, fire fighters, managers, construction, bus drivers (sorry, no taxi drivers), actors, writers, and other such things.

Okay I'm going to dinner.

Yeah Jeff, what is it anyway about Winey keeping the band thing on the downlow? I think he just wants to keep it to himself for awhile until things are sorted out. Or maybe now that he's famous and he has a girlfriend he'll just forget about stupid me. He won't forget you, though. No one could forget you. Not even if they tried....

:)

If I could eat only one meal for the rest of my life, it would be that chicken and dressing stuff all mixed together, spaghetti, garlic bread, meatballs, and water and iced tea and cherry cheesecake for dessert. Yeah, that's a big meal, I know.

If I had to change my name, I think I'd change it to Giselle or Marie. Giselle because it was my French name in high school and it really kinda stuck with me. I don't really like the name Marie but I think it fits me well. My favorite girl name is Clara and my favorite boy name is Joel.

If I were to have my choice of car, any car, that I wanted, I would want a1981 yellow convertible mustang that isn't in mint condition but has a lot of personality. ;-)

If I were to win 100,000 dollars, I would stock up on the following items:

construction paper
stickers
shaving cream
face lotion
the perfume, "Heavenly" and the lotion, too
those expensive Gillette razor blades
printer paper
post-its
pens
deoderant
Scotch(TM) tape
Duct tape
tiaras

because I am the princess :)

If I lived on a farm, I would want two rabbits, two horses, about four sheep, a few cats, a bloodhound and a beagle, a family of pigs, two cows, and a goat named Muffy II. I would get up early in the morning and make breakfast, lunches, and even start on some dinner stuff and I'd make apple pie now and then, too. I'd go out to the woods and pick raspberries and make raspberry jam, and when it was too cold outside to do all that stuff, I'd write to all my friends, paint random things around the house, read books, and wash the windows. But I would never do the dishes. Eck.

If I lived in Wyoming, I would want a little cute house cottage-like thing with wood siding like stuff that is a woodwashed pale yellow sort of color with pale green or blue shutters. It would be near the mountains with a spectacular view but not high in the mountains, maybe just at some midpoint or something. The house would have a huge front porch with a porch swing and my family and I would spend ALL day outside, except maybe in the winter when we would spend some time around the fireplace. There would be a swimming hole that had a rope to swing on and jump into the water, that was totally secluded and just for me and my "family," if I had one. I would have a big fat gray cat and his name would be Tchaikovsky, Tchai for short, and we would also have a cute puppy dog of course and the kids could name it whatever they wanted to as long as it wasn't something like "Puffy" because that's a stupid name.

If I lived in the city, I would live way up high in a cute little apartment and I'd have strange little plants and herbs growing outside on the balcony with two of those Amish, wooden sliding rocking chair things. I'd learn how to speak Japanese so that I could talk to the Japanese man who owns the corner drug store. I would open a little bookstore that sells books, of course, and strange, intellectual type music and lots of cappucino. There would be a children's section and on Sunday afternoons I would have a special children's time where I read little kids' books in funny costumes and even read them some of my own stories. In my spare time I'd work down at the soup kitchen on the other side of the city. I'd take buses and stay on them for an hour just to see all the different people and think about where they might be going. I would make sure to wear out of place country-ish clothes, like long loose dresses and summer hats and sandles.

If I lived on the beach, I would write all the time and drink tall glasses of lemonade and iced tea in a big beach hat and a yellow sundress. I would walk up and down the shore, up and down, up and down. I would learn how to kayak really well and kayak out in the ocean. I would have a big lovable labrador retriever that would run with me on the beach and a lovable kitty that would read with me at night.

If I lived right here in Ohio, I would live out in the country and teach at some teeny tiny elementary school in a teeny tiny town where I knew all the people because of church functions. I would live in a cute little house and I'd have a couple horses in a barn out back so that I could just ride them down the roads and through the woods. I would have picnics all the time, and campfires, and snowball fights. And on the weekends sometimes my "family" and I, if I have one, would go visit grandma and grandpa, and sometimes, I'd just send my kids to visit grandma and grandpa. I'd go fishing and hiking and camping. There would be a creek in the woods and I'd walk down there just to sit and put my feet in the water for a long, long time and I'd lay back on the grass and look up through the trees and just relax for a long, long time...

It was nice being at church today. Nancy caught me right away and shouted, "Aaah! It's VBS Sunday!" and handed me a form about teaching vacation bible school--one of those things I swore I'd never do again because of all the money and time it took, but I am wishing I could do again because I love it. So many things are like that, aren't they? Just like I swore I wouldn't miss camp but a part of me really misses it. I knew I would miss the kids--and rock climbing, of course. I miss rock climbing a lot.

Hahaha Jeff you are soooo funny!

I got caught up on some cool church news. Like Emily's dad and PDA are in Cambodia. PDA is always in Cambodia. Winey's band got signed onto Victory Records (check out their band Eiffel Rev on mp3, I don't know if that's spelled right, correct me if you know). Imhoffs got some new lambs. Awww! And some lady was miraculously healed of leukemia after the doctor told her she only had about 2 hours to live. She was there today and approximately ten days ago, she was supposed to die! Praise God. Pastor Clancy and his church planting team in Marysville, Ohio is doing well, and so is their family. Cool deal.

So I'm sure you all care about that a lot.

I made it through the blustery snow! My parents packed me up with a blanket (in case I got stuck on the side of the road), sunglasses (to reduce the glare of the snow), water (so I didn't get dehydrated if I got stranded) and they were really freakish, yeah. So then everyone here at school was worried about me, too and I didn't even know we had a level three and that classes and even dinner was cancelled. Weird. I didn't think it was that bad. It's a good thing the 'rents don't know how fast I was going :)

hehehe....

Okay, I've had enough of the puppy.

I went on a loooong shopping trip today. First, my brother and I got our haircut together, but it was a half hour wait, so we spent half an hour in the bookstore. I LOVE bookstores. I wanted so many of those books, but they were all hardback and over 16 dollars. I can't spend 16 dollars on a book. Then, we stopped by the root beer stand to see my little cuz, Drew, and of course we got food while we were there. When we got back, Sara was jealous, so I had to take her to the root beer stand too and get her some carnival fries as well. Then, after dropping her off at home, I went to Woo-town to shop... I spent an hour and a half in the Christian bookstore...I bought four books and read a chapter on The Worldwide Church of God in a book about cults (just to be a little more sure of what I'm getting into). It was very intriguing and informative and I feel good about it all, not that I didn't before. Then I think the young teenager guy working there thought I was hitting on him. All I did was smile and say hi. I can't smile and say hi? The kid was like 16 and all dressed in Abercrombie with this hip-looking curly hair like the guy on Joe Millionare. Get a life, jack. He spent the rest of the time avoiding eye contact and showing off. I can tell when guys are showing off and trying to act cool. I ain't stupid. I have darn good intuition, thank you very much. Some old lady was trying to find a good book about dating for her granddaughter. Since I've read them all, I helped her out :) Then I drove down to JCPenneys and wow, I was mad at JCPenneys because everything they had in MY size was stupid looking. It was either really low cut, really high cut, see-through, or just stupid. I needed some teacher clothes. What? No one dresses professionally unless they're in plus sizes? I found cute stuff in the plus sizes and the petite sizes but no 6-7's. Dude. I feel so...I don't know the word for it. So I looked and looked and finally I did find some cute things. Then I went to Fashion Bug. I can always find cheap stuff there because a cool, hip high school girl wouldn't be caught dead walking in there. Therefore, they have a lot of markdowns on cute-looking size 6-7's. They have cute shoes, too. Well, the main purpose of the shopping trip was to find some brown dress shoes and a brown/khaki skirt or pair of pants. I got the shoes at Penney's. Right when I walked in to Fashion Bug, I saw the PERFECT khaki-colored skirt that was just gorgeous--free-flowing, loose, but shapely,you know? It was wonderful. Then I realized I was in the plus section. Dangit! Finally, I did find what I was looking for. I got a skirt there to match all the other things I bought at JCPenney's and tried on some hats. I ended up going with a head wrap thing to match the skirt. Cool deal. It's way stellar.

So I've decided that a good thing to do is skip out on the American Eagle/Abercrombie/Express, etc. clothes and go to the places "cool" girls don't go because not only is it cheaper, but more importantly, it's not as freaky. I just think it's freaky when someone else has the same sweater as me. That's weird. It's MY sweater, you know? Ew. So I avoided Maurice's because that store is pretty up there on the cool list and Elder-Beerman's is sometimes on the cool list. JCPenney's and Fashion Bug are not on the cool list. I don't know why, but it's just a fact of life. My whole goal is to avoid having the same clothes as someone else. I should just become a seamstress.

Meanwhile, life is good here on the homefront. I ate lots of carrots today, some kiwi, and strawberries. Mmmmh! And who said God doesn't make candy?

"Mercy unto you, and peace, and love, be multiplied." -Jude 1:2

I got a puppy!

Well, my family did. He is the cutest thing in the whole entire world. He's part beagle and part shepherd. German shepherd, I imagine, not a field shepherd, although there have been some pretty amazing shepherds throughout history. I don't think this one is very smart. Mozie is definitely smarter. But he does know how to play and run and cuddle and his fur isn’t too shaggy but he has that loose-like beagle skin that’s just so squeezable and he does the little puppy head-tilt thing with the adorable beagle eyes that’s just to die for.

His name is Charlie.

Mozie is adjusting to Charlie quite well. He freaks out a little bit periodically and Charlie’s nose has been scratched more than once, but I think they will become friends. Mozie doesn’t seem too jealous or anything and he really isn’t very scared of him. Mozie and I had good Mommy/Kitty time today despite Charlie‘s presence.

He sleeps with his legs straight out in front of him!

Oh yes, I am at home this weekend. I watched Bourne Identity with my mom and JR. My mom, she knows me so well, had spaghetti and garlic bread AND ice cream cake for me when we got home (JR made the spaghetti). Then, Sara was really horribly sick. She’s gotten so big. And Jordan’s gotten....snottier. :) Jordan and I read a book together and walked/ran the dog together. Good brother/sister time. Sara was throwing up in the bathroom. JR got me a really cool Valentine’s Day basket. How sweet :)

Hugs and Kisses to all of you! I hope you had an EXCELLENT Valentine’s Day because ALL of you have the best love of all....

me!

Just kidding. You know what I was going to say!

Grace-n-peace to all of you <><

Thanks so much for the awesome posts :) You are all so very supportive and understanding. Mom, you're awesome, and the best protector I've ever had!

Anyway, I am dead tired...my computer is being a jerk, I've been wearing some severely restrictive panty hose and things all day, and my feet are freezing. It's midnight. Jake called and asked if I wanted to come over and I had to say no. He told me to eat a Little Debbie Valentine Cake tomorrow and said I should have told him I was leaving tomorrow at 3:30 because he had "plans" for us. I like him.

I just got done counting syllables and words and sentences for an hour and a half. That was fun. And I have a horrible quiz tomorrow. The information isn't sticking. It's my cerebral cortex. Can I have a sick day?

I had my first day of field experience with the third graders...it was great! I am thrilled. Maybe I'll teach 3rd instead, who knows. I was interviewed for our school newspaper about the Global Student Teaching Program. Yay :) I feel popular. I worked out a lot today--cardio. I hate cardio workouts, but it felt good because I didn't quit halfway like I usually do. Then, I took an hour nap. I wish I were a cat. I'd sleep a lot and cuddle with people. Only some people.

I like teaching and hats and cats and Valentine's Day cakes in the freezer and sausage gravy and biscuits and fettucine alfredo with parsley and I like to talk in a British accent and I wonder why there isn't a Valentine's Day song because I keep wanting to sing Happy Valentine's Day but I can't get a good tune. Dash it all.

I got this card yesterday from my aunt Vicky that was very uplifting. She and I were both sexually abused when we were young. Some of you might be saying right now "Oh my gosh, I can't believe she is talking about this!" because about 90 people read this thing. But you know what? It's not anything to be ashamed of. I'm tired of people living in denial about things, and I'm glad that my aunt can write to me and say, "It's okay...I understand...God is there for you." And then she said "You are a precious young woman." Why yes, yes I know :) It's annoying when people ignore the facts. But it's also annoying when people expect me to just "let it go."

Now don't get me wrong, I have forgiven those who have hurt me. I understand that God is totally capable of putting me back together and keeping me together. I also hope that those who have hurt me and my family will (or did) find God and that God will heal their sick, perverted minds, even though they totally do not deserve it (no one deserves God's grace). Hell is certainly not something I'd wish on anyone.

Now my problem is that people might expect me to just be "best friends" with the people. Let them make acquaintances with my little sister and brother. Hmm let me think about that....NO. I don't know if this is biblically based or not, but I do know that around 1 Corinthians 4 or 5 or something like that, it tells us to cast out those who are sexually immoral, into the hands of Satan, so that they may be saved on the day Jesus comes back for them, or something like that... This is speaking of a person within the church, however. I'm not sure if these people had or have been "saved" or not, but I'm thinking I don't want to take the risk of subjecting my brother and sister to such perversity, and I sure as heck don't want all the emotional trauma I experience with their presence. I don't know. It useless to try to justify it, I guess. I just know that even though I have forgiven, it still hurts, the side effects still exist, and God has worked awesome wonders in my life. It is so difficult to go through psychology classes where in every single one they list all the "side effects" and "symptoms" of child abuse---seeing how many I match, making sure I don't do things like "avoid eye contact," "avoid strong attachments," become overly "promiscuous..." And I wonder if my mood swings and stomach problems and trust issues are all because I was sexually abused. And daggone it, every single "law" show and movie somehow manages to talk about sex offenders.

Anyway, the symptoms and side effects are dumb. They're all things I struggle with and I don't know why or how it was caused or if it has anything to do with being abused as a young child. But you know what? There's no excuse and there should be no whining coming from me...because God can heal ANYTHING and with God I can find peace and strength and overcome ANYTHING. He is all I need.

Oh, one of the side effects is a tendency towards being "religious." Maybe just because it makes me feel loved. Ha! Or maybe it's more than that.

Well...today is not a good day, to say the least, and this week will probably not be among my top ten. Anyway, it just might be good and I'm not sure what would make it better, honestly, but really I just can't wait to go home on Friday.

I started reading a book...for fun! Amazing, huh? I haven't done that since the beginning of this summer when I didn't have a job :) Word on the street is that Harry Potter book 5 is coming out soon...I'll have to grab one (or hopefully just read the one my mom buys...after she reads it, JR reads it, and they read it to Jordan and Sara). It sounds really dorky that I read Harry Potter. I thought my mom was a big dork when she started reading them, too. But really, they are really good. Jordan and Sara, only ages 8 and 6, will sit and listen to Harry Potter for hours...quality reading time, I'd say, and quality family time as well. My mom always read me the Little House on the Prairie books. Those are pretty boring and I am positive Jordan and Sara would never in a million years listen to them (too many girls). I do understand why some people might think Harry Potter is dangerous, but have you seen Walt Disney's Sleeping Beauty lately? It's pretty bad, too. And in The Lion King, Simba lays on top of Nala and licks her. That's pretty bad, I'd say. Well, Jordan and Sara know that Harry Potter isn't real, and they know that Santa Claus isn't real, but sometimes it is fun to pretend :)

My best friend from kindergarten all the way through 10th grade had this nephew (I imagine he still is her nephew) that thought it'd be cool to pretend to be a dog. Normally, these phases in 3-5 year old children last a couple days, occur every now and then over a span of a week, or something like that. This kid acted like a dog for a good two or three years, I think. He rarely talked--just whimpered and barked. What would I do if my kid acted like a dog for three years? I don't know, but I might take him to a psychiatrist. Is it just that he has a highly active imagination? Or not enough imagination that he can't think of anything else to be? Or is he hiding from something? The kid was growing up in a small house of about five adults, plus a very clingy grandmother and aunt that always took him on walks to see all the flowers, without a good father figure. He knew every type of flower and animal imaginable...more than I know, that's for sure. I wonder what's up with this kid now.

I think I'll be a good parent. A strange one, probably, but a good one. I want my kids to do a lot of the things they want to do--like if they want to be called "Shula Cabula" for a day, I'd play along, and if they want to wear a pair of bunny ears to the store, I just might let them. But if he/she acted like a dog for a straight week, maybe even three days, I'd get pretty sick of it. I don't know. I'd encourage them to act like other animals for awhile. And I surely would never let them drink out of a bowl on the floor beside the dinner table or on the dinner table (for more than one meal). This little kid sure enough did drink out of bowls on the floor.

I've been making Valentines since 3:30 (it is now 5:15). Don't give your hopes up, though...they're pretty time consuming, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to stop soon. I think that I'm a sort of crafty person, but because I hate to waste time on things that people will probably throw away, I usually don't do things like this...and besides, construction paper and glue can be really annoying (especially when I just drank a ton of cappucino and my hands are shaking like mad crazy. Don't worry, though, I'm not addicted! I seriously just drank it because my throat has been killing me and I can't drink hot chocolate and hot water doesn't sound very appetizing at all).

Okay bye.

Shhhh...don't tell anyone, but I'm starting to really like snow. Weird, huh? I'm starting to like that feeling I get after coming out of the cold and my skin getting all tingly because it's warming up really fast. I enjoy the crunch of snow beneath my feet. I REALLY enjoy the crunch of the ice/snow on the edges of the sidewalks. Veronica, it's right below crunching leaves. Nothing could take the place of fall, but winter is climbing the charts. Nonetheless, it will probably always be my least favorite of seasons, but at least I'm not miserable this winter. I think that's due to some other factors, however...

Wow. Yesterday was definitely top ten of this year. I had an excellent conversation with Rachel, Beth, Sharon and Susan, Movie and Game Night was INCREDIBLY fun, lots of new faces came and had a blast, and I ate SO much nacho cheese dip that I am in some serious pain right now. It was all worth it :) Lou Sandler didn't give us a quiz, extended lots of assignments, and he didn't do anything to particularly make me want to rip hiim into shreds. I made some "friends" in the education department with some important, high-up professors that I think I can maneuver my way with into getting my tuition to pay everything for me to go to Africa, including spending money, and maybe one of them will become my education advisor. And I decided to go to Cameroon. Way to go Friday!

Here's a poem because I don't know what else to write. "I hope you hate it." ;-)


Petals (September 20, 2002)

I fall into myself
Saying I’ll never
Let go.
Time lapses and I can
Make my life like stone.
I ignore the rose
Petals on the floor.
Your roses died
So quickly, so soon.
I never used to
Appreciate
Catfish and
Tennis rackets.
Their intricacies
Disgust me.
Your dreams
Were all your own.
I never did
Love the ocean
Anyway.

Lately I've felt a little emptiness, and I've been praying about that and realized that it's not that I'm not getting enough fellowship, it's not that I'm not having enough alone time with God (although I could never have too much), and it's not that I'm caught up with sin or that there's some big "distraction" in my life...it's that I feel that I haven't been using my gifts, I haven't been pursuing the things that I know God has placed on my heart, and I haven't been developing those gifts to their full potential. So I prayed about that the other day.

And sure enough, the next day, Kaye Martin announced that the gentleman from Global Student Teaching, a program based at a university in Minnesota that I had been looking into last semester, was visiting our school. This was something I really wanted to do last semester, but this semester I was pretty blase about it. I started praying that God would reveal (bright and clearly) whether or not I was supposed to go. We have a project due in one of my classes with children's books. By coincidence, the only ones I could find to fit the criteria were on Africa. I met a super nice girl from Nigeria lastnight. Danielle talked about going overseas lastnight at Crusade. And when I opened the brochure for the program today, the first thing I saw was a line of little African children, smiling with their amazing smiles and priceless wide, beautiful eyes. Well, to make a long, detailed story short (I have class in a few minutes), I'm going to fill out this application, continue praying about it, and most likely, travel to Cameroon (which is in west Africa) next Spring.

And that's what following God's will is like...

He makes the scary things so exciting.

Soooo Jake and I have enrolled ourselves in ballroom dancing lessons at the Elks Club every other Wednesday. Dancing for me is like math--I can get it, it just takes me a little longer :) Jake, needless to say, is amazing (still haven't found something I can beat him at) and has managed to not make me feel like a complete idiot (just a semi-idiot). I have become very familiar with the appearance of Jake's brown shoes, because I stared at them for about 3 hours lastnight as we danced. In the fairy tales, the princesses just know how to dance. Where did THEY learn to dance? Surely the 7 dwarfs didn't teach Snow White and surely the fairies didn't teach Sleeping Beauty! I liked the waltz the best because I felt like I was floating (for a whole 30 seconds--after that I lost concentration and tripped up). The dance instructor said it's the man's job to make the girl look good, and if she looks bad, then it's his fault. Jake must have been doing some serious compensating because no one laughed at us, at least, and one of the ladies said it looked like I was "catching on." Then she asked Jake if he could teach them some things at the next lesson. ;-)
Anyway, it was a marvelous time, and for some reason I was extremely shy.

I cover my mouth a lot with my hand when I'm being shy. It's like I'm regressing back to six years old. I bet some of you were shy once and have come out of it---it's weird being shy again every now and then because it's like an old childhood home revisited. It's a feeling of slight bewilderment. I wasn't really bewildered, though, and I didn't want to escape or anything...I guess I'm not used to being in public anymore. I think public things make me really nervous now after being in this little private school for so long. So it is as though I am saying to myself, "This is really scary and not something I am really comfortable with, but I really want to do it!" My eyes were on the ground much of the time, I think, not just because I needed to watch Jake's feet, but I didn't want to catch anyone's eye---then I would have to smile, and blush....because I'm shy like that (believe it or not).

I'm grouchy because I am hungry and I can't eat because I lost my ID.

And the people in the cafeteria and the mail room are being mean to me.

Conversation in the mail room:

Amanda: Hi! Can you look in my mailbox and see if my ID is in there? It's Harrington, H-A-R-R.

Mail Kid: Yeah, hold on.

Mean, evil lady in the back: AHEM!

Mail Kid: She wants me to look in her mailbox FOR her ID.

Amanda: I don't care if you give it to me or not if you could just tell me if it's in there.

Mean, evil lady in the back: Tell her she can check her mail with her license!

Mail Kid looks in Amanda's mailbox anyway.

Mail Kid: Nope, not there. (hands me a paper that was in my mailbox that everyone got and anyone can get anywhere)

Mean, evil lady in the back: AHEM!

Mail Kid: It's just this stupid thing (shows her what was in Amanda's mail box).

Amanda: Okay, thanks.

Mean, evil lady in the back: She could check it with her license!

Mail Kid: I'm going to get fired.

People are such meany heads. I'm going to go eat some ramen noodles now.

February 12, 2002

The Song

Since the days I used to stay in the crosswalks,
Since the days I pretended to speak
Arabic and French,
Since the days I thought I would be a writer,
A zoologist, a teacher, and finally,
A babysitter,
Since then there was a song.

The day came when I saw that I had grown up.
I could no longer play pretend,
Could not whisper-giggle-whisper-giggle,
Could not climb under tables and
I could no longer run, jump, or skip.
But there was still that song.

Since the day I packed up that car,
And since the day I cried,
Knowing nothing would ever be the same,
And since the day
I heard the drip-dop-kling-kling
Of rain
On a small, secret pond,
I always could feel in the backstage
That song.

The day came that I sat in a room
And stared at a tree that was unaware.
It did not find me beautiful
And it ignored me for many hours.
But I stayed and watched,
Knowing it would never leave
But also knowing it would never see.
And the song still played.

The song played in the room next to me.
I sat at the window and stared,
Not picturing you or anything at all--
Not crying, not smiling, hoping but not believing,
Just listening to the song
That always played
In the backstage
Since the very beginning.

Okay, moving on from that subject...


Today was quite a glorious day. Miss Kari and I have had so much quality bonding time lately due to our new workout schedule and because we have a million classes together, and because we are in the same small-group Bible study, but mostly just because God has blessed us this semester :) Today we got in a fight on the quad and I got her ALL wet before choir. I feel kind of bad about that now (sorry, Kari!), but I figure, hey, you're only in college once, you know? And that'll be something she'll remember forever. I am pretty sure a lot of people think we're complete idiots considering we were yelling and screaming and she kept putting me in headlocks and throwing me around. Yes, Kari certainly could take me down any day. I'm thankful she goes easy on me :)

THEN another great thing was that my chicken-look-alike professor was absent today. Usually in college they just cancel class but noooo, not Lou! Thankfully, he had one of the coolest professors ever take his place and she ran that classroom like an educational Heaven. I LOVE Dr. Martin and Dr. Morrow. They are amazing.

I got my placement for field experience....THIRD GRADERS! I almost cried. Third grade is the last grade that I want to teach. I'd rather teach ANYTHING other than third grade. Silly God has decided to teach me a lesson. Sometimes I wish He'd just do what I want. Who knows, maybe I will love third grade even more than first. The good thing is that it will be a lot easier and more fun to do some lesson plans on Japan with third graders. Yes, I think I'm going to do all my lessons on Japan--a few reading and a few writing and of course, those and others will be social studies. Supposedly though, for this field experience, I am going to be evaluated by a Pathwise evaluator, and that is pretty terrifying. It wouldn't be terrifying if I were in a first-grade classroom, because I'll admit, I am an awesome teacher with first-graders. But third graders? I don't know...what if they ask questions I can't answer? What if they start fights that I can't break up? Third graders are too smart, too big, and too sarcastic for my liking. They are mean, too. They're mean to each other and to teachers sometimes, too! First graders always love their teachers. Third graders will just laugh at me and think I'm stupid. Most of them don't like to sing or read poetry or listen to weird Japanese music or write journal entries...They're old enough to say things like "THAT'S STUPID! I HATE THIS!" First graders are soooo wonderful. Oh sigh. Guess I won't be able to use songs as time fillers :-(

I am really sorry if in the last entry or so, I sounded "self-righteous." That was certainly not my intention. There are times that I write in this diary as a personal diary, not necessarily considering that a lot of people are reading it. So, I don't want to make myself sound "holier-than-thou..." or anything. In fact, I think the last entry showed more of how unholy I can be, and I was trying to encourage others in their struggles and remind them that Satan does lie, as the world lies, in many ways and from many dangerous angles. I wasn't trying to blame outside forces. I am well aware that with the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-17), I can tackle Satan's lies...but it's so difficult for us stupid humans to stay strong and close to the Lord. I fail in this so often. And for those who think Satan isn't attacking us, you're wrong. I'm sorry, but you're wrong. He does tempt us, and we must overcome those temptations, as can be seen between the temptation of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane and in some of the following passages:

"...I was afraid that somehow the tempter had tempted you and that our labor had been in vain." (1 Thessalonians 3:5).

Jesus said in Matthew chapter 16: "Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; for you are setting your mind not on divine things but on human things."

1 John 2:14: "...I write to you, young people, because you are strong and the word of God abides in you, and you have overcome the evil one."

So, I know I can't just say things like, "the devil made me do it." That is not and is never true, for no temptation is too great to avoid (1 Corinthians 10:13). I take full responsibility for the sins I commit, and trust me, I commit a lot of them, so please don't ever think that I feel more righteous than the next guy.

Satan is hardcore on seeing me fail, so when I say things to myself like "You're a loser, you failed, so give it up. There's no use trying," I believe that is a worldly lie--one that stems from the way Satan chooses to attack us. Okay, so yes, maybe that's me being stupid, but it's also a lie and it's also giving Satan a foothold (also in Scripture...please let me know if you can find it because I can't right now) if I believe it. I know that Satan does not have the power that God does---Satan is not all-knowing and all-powerful, and he does not have a hold on me as long as I embrace God. That's a choice, a choice that many people in this world make daily--to pick up our cross and follow Christ.

Once again, I apologize for ever sounding self-righteous, and I know that I am not always right, if ever right at all. It doesn't really matter if I'm right or not, and if anyone wants to think I am wrong, that's fine with me. If you want to prove I'm wrong, that's fine, too. We will find out soon enough, I'm sure.

If I can't talk about the center of my life (God) without sounding self-righteous, then what am I supposed to talk about?

Thanks :) I got a lot of feedback from that one.

So, yesterday I most certainly did feel like a failure. Not only did I fail in being kind, but I just failed in so many areas it's not even right. I wanted to focus on "kindness" yesterday, and I was just not kind at all. I even said a bad word several times that starts with A and ends with E. Seriously though, I think it was just asshole day. I've never seen so many people just be complete jerks. I think that when I make a goal for myself, Satan decides to make it extremely difficult. It's very discouraging, you know. So this morning I was laying around feeling like a big fat failure and I read this poem that is on the wall by Lindsay's bed. The last few lines say:

And when things seem dark
And hard and difficult to face
The memory of that little boy
Helps me in my race.

For all of life is like that race
With ups and downs and all
And all you have to do to win
Is rise each time you fall.

"Quit! Give up! You're beaten!" They still shout
In my face, but another voice within me says
"GET UP AND WIN THE RACE!"

So, this voice within me said, "Amanda, you haven't failed. You fell, yes, but get up and win the race."
And another voice said, "No, you can't. You're a loser, a failure, and you suck. You'll never do it. It's impossible. Look how hard you've tried already. Every time you fall! You're so behind, there's no hope!" (The little boy in the poem fell three times in the race).
But God comes back and says, "GET UP AND WIN THE RACE!"

No matter how many times we fall, we must get up and win the race. Even if we don't get first place, even if we're last, as long as we rise every time we fall, we still win.