Well, Thanksgiving was the typical...and now it is the day after and my brother is watching that blasted Christmas movie with those little horrible kids getting their tongues caught on poles and other stupid things. Oh, the torture of Christmas television traditions. I just got done writing a bit of my paper on Kate Chopin and before that I was watching the new Harry Potter movie. And before that I was eating my third Thanksgiving dinner. I've been trying to get some of my work done but not to much avail. Oh well. Procrastination is what keeps us college kids on our toes, I suppose. I bought ten cans of Red Bull to keep me alive and awake during exam week. :) Watch out, Lighthouse girls!

I'm excited about tonight and tomorrow and Sunday, seeing my homepals and sleeping and of course, spending quality time with the fam. But you know, Muskies, I miss you beyond words. Lindsay, I love you and if you're lonely, feel free to hang kisses up for a family picture anytime. You can borrow meow-meow, too!

Allow me to share something with you. My mother has brought two miracles into this world. Number one is me. Number two is my scarf. This scarf is the most amazing thing ever. It is always warm. Usually when things are left out in the cold, they become cold. Not my scarf. It is always warm. Always! When I walk to class everyday, my legs are usually quite cold. My upper body is very warm because my coat is superb (and if I wear my long wool coat, my legs are warm, too). My head is always sufficiently warm because of my obsession with hats. My face and neck--they are usually sweating from the heat radiating straight out of my scarf. :) Thanks, Mom. You are very good at bringing miracles into this world.

Now this is another very funny story I must share with you. Lastnight in our effort to find something "fun" to do, my friend Jake and I busted out the CatchPhrase and played amongst ourselves in our own inventive way...backwards. Jake is very, very good at this. For example, we may have the word "salamander." I say, "Okay, four syllables...first syllable backwards is the color of my hat (Jake says red, then pronounces it backwards, "der"). Next I say, "This is a shorthand word for a war America lost over near Cambodia in the sixties." Jake says "Vietnam...Nam." I say "Okay, backwards that word is..." Jake says "Man! ...mander...hmm..." Then I say,
"Okay, now the first part of the word backwards is like one of those ropes cowboys use to rope cattle." He says, "Lasso...?" And I say "Yes! Now say it all backwards." He says, "Ossalmander...salamander!" And we laugh and clap because it's amazing! And he says, "How can you do that all backwards?!" And I say, "How can YOU do all that backwards and actually understand what I'm talking about?!" Isn't intelligence amazing!?

Now, let me tell you about my wool coat. My wool coat is the best thing in the world. I bought it at a great bargain, for eight dollars at Goodwill. It looks almost like one of American Eagle's rip-offs, but it is an authentic, old-fashioned, long coat. It is stylish. It is warm. I makes me look like a governess. Perfect!

My roommate is back to normal. After suffering from a concussion and a bit of prideful, stubborn toughness, she was finally forced to stop playing for a bit, much to her dismay and much to our preference, for we were fearing for her life. I certainly don't want her to end up like poor Ryan Hochstetler and his brain damaged head. She brightens my day with her smile everytime she enters the room. I am thankful for her. Lindsay, I love you darling, and I am so thankful that you have survived and come out of this situation, so far, stronger than you were. We didn't know it was possible for you to become any stronger, but you have somehow managed, and we all love and admire you. You are the brightest light I know.

"There is never a cloud without its bright light."

Grace and peace, everyone.

Email me sometime, everyone...amandah@muskingum.edu

Today was the weirdest day ever! We did the weirdest workout in fitness and weight lifting and I lost my backpack and every hour seemed to last only 10 minutes. The day went so extremely fast. And although I've gotten enough sleep lately, I laid down on the floor for only a second (to do an ab workout) and fell right asleep on that hard wooden floor! WEIRD! I don't know what's wrong with me!!!

The Notes She Wrote Today in 19th Century American Fiction 11:30-12:30 because she was extremely bored…

On the Subject of Change…

"Normally I would hate the sight of snow. It’s not that snow is ugly. Snow is quite beautiful, as most would agree. However, snow, in case you are unaware, is very cold. It chills the very insides of my body, soaks my feet with freezing wetness, and sticks to my eyelashes so that I can barely see. I think a change has taken place this season, for when I saw the snow today, it made me smile. It gave me a warm, content, and encouraging feeling. The seasons are turning. My favorite season has ended and my most detested season has arrived. This is a wonderful circumstance—the snow couldn’t have come at a better time. With changing seasons comes change—and so many changes are taking place. We experienced a rather strenuous (understatement) autumn, and I’ve experienced a million different emotions, moods, and phases in such a small amount of time that I believe it has exhausted me. So, I am going to relax, wake up, and start anew, leaving all the confusion and madness behind. It was storming lastnight. Thunder and lightning quaked the little, old library and today it is calmly, soothingly snowing. It is cold. It is relaxing. It is beautiful.

My favorite restroom in all the world resides in the basement of Brown Chapel. It is always empty, although very spacious, and lined with Romanesque mirrors. It’s like a restroom for a hundred stage performers that have drifted from existence, left in complete solitude. The room is dimly lit, which softens the features of the reflections seen in the mirrors. I sauntered into this restroom lastnight and there I was, my own reflection, in this window before me. I smiled and suddenly, something me (in my mind it hit me, not physically…it wasn’t a baseball or anything). I have changed. That was it. I looked at myself and realized that I look older—not better, not worse, just older. I liked what I saw—to see that I have changed from what and who I was and to know that I am continually changing.

Another strange occurrence in the subject of change hit me last night in the library. Jake and I were sitting in the media center watching Indiana Jones (and Fantasia before that) as I researched for a report and he fidgeted with his hands, cracking his knuckles and stretching his fingers, which used to be a sort of fascinating annoyance, but has now become a familiar, comforting reminder of all the things I enjoy about being in his company. I looked up, only meaning to briefly glance his way, to perhaps show my disgust at the sound of cracking joints (which no longer disgusts me at all, although he thinks it does), and caught sight of something I had never really seen before. I’ve seen this Jacob sad, tired, stressed, and angry, but it wasn’t any of those things. He looked up inquisitively, wondering what I was thinking, so I answered his thought, saying, “You look old” (another thing I enjoy about our friendship—that we are strikingly honest with each other). He replied that it was only because he had not shaved, but I knew that was not what I was seeing. Jake, at that moment, appeared quite worn, content, but older. He has changed. And I realized then, that someone else knows exactly how I have been feeling.

Sometimes, it seems, that people grow up and learn so much so fast that it literally exhausts them. And perhaps that is where the signs of age come from."

And that's all she has to say about that. :)

Sometimes a person can feel really overjoyed and suddenly all the joy spills out of them and splashes to the floor so that all their hope is gone and they wonder where it ever went and why it had to go so fast. Why do we allow people to determine how we feel? A whole new meaning to the phrase "reality bites." Anyway, on a happier note, I wrote an analysis on Psalm 139 today, and let me tell ya, it was a w e s o m e!!!! God is indescribable, his love is inconceivable, his knowledge incomprehensible, and he knew everything that would happen to us before the beginning of time....so don't worry about the little things and let God do the work, because HIS plan is the BEST plan!


"If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to You. The night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You." -Psalm 139

I love you all!

Grace n peace yo

"Pete likes peanutbutter because he's number one and carries a tote bag!"

The saga continued today, as Amanda failed in keeping her mouth shut.

She is too busy to write anything tonight. See you tomorrow.


"To adjust brightness, contrast, and screen size, use the wheel behind this door. For information on using the wheel, refer to your monitor manual."
-Gateway

well, when it comes right down to it, all i really did today and most of this weekend was talk to kendra

3 cheers for kendra!

cheers! cheers! cheers!!!!!!!!!

So I just read some of my past entries and decided....

I think I'd be a much better person if I could just keep my mouth shut. I mean, if I were truly a good person, I would have these entries that are like, "Oh, my day was simply wonderful. I love my friends so much. The world is a beautiful, happy place upon which I have been so generously placed. Isn't life grand? How can people possibly worry about anything at all?" and all that, which I do truly believe all those things I just said but I don't say things like that. Instead I choose to talk about strange weird things in a random, nonsense, train of thought order that I'm sure no one understands or reads.

I'm sorry for my inadequacy, and I hope you enjoy it.

Lastnight was fun. I went out with Ryan Hurley, his friend Jeremiah, and my very excellent friend, Sharon. We went to Taco Bell (haven't been there in over a year) and to the mall (haven't been there since September). The mall aggravates me because it is so expensive. I wish I would have realized this in high school. Anyway, I bought a new hat. It's one of the most amazing hats I've ever seen in my life and I love it beyond reason. Not really. But it's a great hat. I'm wearing it as we speak. I mean, as I type. Apparently, to buy this hat with my impulse shopping urges, God decided I needed to make a sacrifice as well. So, I accidentally left my other hat (an old one) in the pet store. Perhaps I did this subconsciously--because I did feel guilty for spending my money. I'm really trying to save my money. Jake is influencing me so much that I'm becoming a cheapskate. Anyway, Sharon is funny because she has problems being friends with girls and she thinks I'll abandon her. So we laid on the floor after watching that Ya-Ya Sisterhood movie, having a very serious conversation (we were both in tears) amidst our lunatic friends talking about farts and homosexuality, while we talked about friends and marriage and how Sharon's doomed to never have girl friends and I'm doomed to never be happily married (I'm being sarcastic, so please shut your mouth). :) We watched Saturday Night Live and Seinfeld. Now this is my reason for not enjoying TV all that much: These shows were both entertaining...but as I look back now, did I learn anything from them? Do I even remember much of anything? Is it entertaining to me now? No! Of course not. Beth brought over her ever so cool cousin (Beth is cool, too, though) and he livened things up a bit with his useless information about XY chromosomes and Jamie Lee Curtis. Very interesting. I hope he comes here next year. Only the most fortunate, amazing, witty, and intelligent people come to Muskingum College. It's SO hard to get accepted, you know.

Today was not a very eventful day, but I did attend the Presbyterian church, which was quite enjoyable but I was very sad to miss the introduction of Tony Shaw, the (most likely) new pastor at the Baptist church. There are several things that I like about both churches. I like seeing the Houstons and singing some hymns. I also like the choir and the general design of the church, but at the same time I really missed the praise band at the Baptist church and the people there as well. My little "adopted" sister, Sadie, missed me of course, and I feel horrible because I probably won't be there again for the next two weeks or so. This is very sad, indeed. I used to enjoy Sundays but lately I have been saving all my work to be done on Sundays, and this makes for a very sad day because not only is the weekend over, but I have a million things to do and no chance to really relax. This is why God designated Sundays as the Sabbath, perhaps, and I should follow His pattern. But if I had done ALL my work this weekend on Saturday, then I would have missed out on good friend time and I would have been bored out of my mind today (not really...I could have went to see Harry Potter and a piano recital if I hadn't saved all my work for today.) See? The argument is useless. God has, once again, proved His point. He's like one of those parents that is ALWAYS right. Wait a second...! Isn't it sort of annoying? heh heh heh

Well now that you really think I'm crazy, I'll leave now.

"Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were."
-Cherie Scott

So for today, hug a friend, forgive a tree, eat a penny, and pick up an apple.

Top Ten Reasons That I Really Am a Psycho

10. Things that scare me: orange/red paisley, green slate floors, matches, sharp knives, black electrical tape, silver guns...
9. I sleep with a teddy bear certain nights, only when there's something on my mind that's really confusing or painful.
8. Most people aren't aware that I am a psycho...which makes me truly psychotic.
7.5 I can't write all the clues to me being psychotic because then I wouldn't have any friends!
7. I write everything I have to do on post-its, in class, on my hand, I make lists like nobody's business, and I usually need to write my thoughts in order to figure them out-which means I have a whole LOT of journals.
6.5 Sometimes walking across the pretty lake makes me really happy and other times it makes me really sad.
6. I eat like a pig for two weeks and then nearly starve myself the next two weeks.
5. Other things that scare me: scrawny black kittens, post offices, playing hide and seek in the dark, green football teams, water beds...
4. My feet and hands and nose are always cold and nothing I do makes them warm--this drives me crazy!
3. I am entirely, entirely, entirely confused ALL the time, probably because I'm usually thinking about at least 5 things at once, no joke.
2. Look who my friends are!
1. .sdrawkcab sdrow yas I

The Notes She Wrote at 6:30 am Today

A Page Will Turn

A page will turn tomorrow morning
She doesn’t even know
That though she stands still
The story goes.

A page will turn tomorrow
In this life, that will finally
Make him see her
In that new light
She’s forever longed for.

A page will turn years from now,
The page that she’ll remember
Above all others.
The page she’ll regret, the page
She can’t rip apart,
The page she never could have foreseen.

The pages keep turning
And she struggles to know
The end. She reminds herself
Of the beginning
And hates the suspense.

The pages turn and she tries
To take the pen.
The author says, I have a plan,
The protagonist says,
I don’t care.

And no matter how many times
He stops to pray, to worry, to think,
The pages keep turning
And she slowly slips away.

And no matter how many times
She tries to be content,
She keeps looking back and suddenly,
It’s the end.

“A page is turned by the wind, a boy and girl begin, with a world to conquer at the age of ten. As this story unfolds, the story book is told, to find salvation, not at the hands of man--the God of second chance, who picked him up and let him dance through a world that is not kind. All this time, preparing him the one to hold him up when it comes undone—through the storm, in the sun, and now amen, here you stand, the day has come. A page is turned in this world, a little girl with a heart that’s bigger as it is unfurled. But the language in her soul is teaching her to grow with the careful cover with a love that will not fail--the God of second chance that picked her up and let her dance through a world that is not kind. All this time, preparing her the one to hold her up and let her dance through a world that is not kind. All this time, preparing him the one to hold her up when it comes undone—through the storm, in the sun, and now amen, here you stand the day has come. Beneath the air of autumn, she took him by the hand…she took his heart instead. High upon the mountain, he asked her for her hand, just for her hand. A page is turned in this life. He’s making her his wife, and there is no secret to the source of this much life. Grace that falls like rain….the God of second chance, who picked them up and let them dance through a world that is not kind. All this time, preparing them with the one to hold them up when it comes undone—through the storm, in the sun, and now amen, here you stand, the day has come.” -Bebo Norman, “A Page is Turned”

The Notes She Wrote in Sociology of the Family Today, 2:00-3:15

It's been a strange week. Kalyn asked me today if the week had flown by for me like it did for her. I thought about that for a moment. Hmm...it is already Thursday. Where have I been? I've sorta been in la-la land this week. You know how it is, I bet. It's been one of those weeks where I feel like I'm watching a movie...where I don't really want to interact with the actors, and I'm so caught up in my own thoughts that I don't interact or understand all that's going on around me. I've felt distant. I go through this a lot, but this time I tried to make it different, because I didn't want to close myself off from people. Usually I'd stop talking for a few days, shut myself in my room a lot, and take a little "break" from everything. Instead of doing that, I've made an effort to talk about what I'm thinking about, hang out with people, and all that. That went well, but when so many things bog up my mind, my intuition, compassion, and understanding get clouded. So I haven't been very "on top" of things lately. One may call it self-absorbed.

"So we're watching this movie called "Peggy Sue Got Married." It's an eighties movie with Nicolas Cage, some lady I don't know, and Helen Hunt in her teens. Strange huh? Instead of summarizing the movie, I'll try to be brief. This girl married a guy right out of high school and basically ruined his life. It kind of ruined her life too, but mostly his. He didn't pursue his dream of being a singer like he had set his heart on. Then she had a chance to go back in time. She had the chance to not marry him, experience other things (another guy) and so on. But the other two guys she "noticed" (that she never noticed before), had dreams, too. So in other words, no matter who she married, she'd screw up his life. This is disturbing. I don't want some guy to marry me and resent me later because I ruined his dreams. Of course it wouldn't be all my fault, but you know. And I don't want some guy to ruin my dreams. I don't want to think "sure I'd love to be a doctor's wife..." just because he wants to be a doctor, or whatever. Maybe that's why it's smart not to marry until you have your own life figured out. Sometimes we rush into things. I thought five years ago that I'd be engaged (or at least have a serious boyfriend) by now. Thank goodness I'm not!!! Goodness, so many doors have opened that I would never have seen if I were bogged down with a significant other. But then one day I know he'll come, and it will be in GOD'S timing, not mine, and everything will work out. Because impatience is not cool, and we can't assume we know what's best for us, because we never do!"

And those are my thoughts on that.

The Notes She Wrote in Old Testament Lit. Today, 10:30-11:30 am

"I actually arrived to class early today, had the chance to change my clothes after my PE class, buy 65 cent cornbread muffins in the BOC, and sit outside my class for a good five minutes. Either someone died today or there was a hopeless test where several students would meet their doom--because there were about seven people down the hall, all looking quite forlorn, two who had their faces covered with their hands in seemingly extreme anguish,a nd one girl staring so hard into space you'd assume she could see John Glenn floating around on a star or something. Tony came along (thank goodness because I thought for a momentI'd begin lecturing the kid sitting a couple feet away about my theory of the vil associated with video games. He was playing a GameBoy and was pretty frustrated because the batteries ran out in the middle of a good game.) and I asked him if I should chemically straighten my hair. I mentioned all the reasons why I should and why I shouldn't. Tony said to go for it, but this was unsatisfying. Now I've decided that I don't think I want to anymore. Arriving to class first were the same people as every day. Jason chastised me for eating cornbread in class, accusing me for "copying" off him for eating in OT and that to be truly original, I needed to eat spaghetti. Branden asked me to work with him on his Psalm analysis and I told him to get real...cause I ain't no Bible scholar, that's for sure, and he knew just as well as I did as to what the heck we are supposed to do. And then Yeoman started to cry. (He wasn't really crying, his hat was just making his head itch and it was bothering him.)"

And so folks, it was just a normal, ordinary day. I made at least one kid cry, at least one kid smile, and I think a couple kids might have learned something from me. I spent a lot of time in prayer, some time at a basketball game, some time with friends, and time doing my hair (it was a stress-reliever). All I've done of my homework is read Hosea. Good book. Check it out. You can find it at your public library. Just go to www.oplin.oh.lib.us.org

And that's all she wrote.

The Engagement

The shreds of alabaster pour across my feet
A smile rises, a tear falls and I feel free.
The scented oils I wasted, the sleep I lost,
All useless now and finally, I know.
I cried when you left me, I disintegrated
To nothing as you moved on. I smiled
When you died just today because now
I know no torture, no tears, no wonder
Or pain.

Oh, that list didn't include all my family things that are the FUNNEST things I've done. I'll do that later. Sorry, I had to add this note so that my mom (and my aunt Cathy, cousin Drew...) doesn't think she isn't fun or anything (which she would never think, because my mom is more fun than I am. This is sad, but true. Yes, my mother is cooler than me. Thank you). These people are amazing. So just so everyone knows, they are fun, too!!!!!!!!

In follow up to Kendra's blogger, I would just like to say a few things.

First of all, I did fall in a tree. It was funny.

Second of all, the Relient K Concert was AWESOME! It was more fun than most anything I've ever done. There have only been a few things that have been more fun than that. I think I'll make a top ten list of the "FUNNEST" things I've ever done. But before I do that, I'd like to say that maybe you do know you love someone if you know all (or most) of the bad things about a person and still love them. I mean there's these people in this world that REALLY get on my nerves, but I still love them as friends. But then there's that other kind of love. And I think that contains a certain amount of serious frustration...because you love them, but they're so stupid sometimes that it's damaging to their health, whether it's mentally, emotionally, physically, or spiritually. That's why, I think, we get so angry at the people we love sometimes. From what I've experienced, this frustration grows so strong at times that it's like borderline-hatred. And so we have the I love you so much I hate you relationship. Probably not good, but I suppose you grow out of that (and back into it a few years after marriage, in most cases).

Top Ten Fun Things I've Done in the Past Seven Years (this doesn't include AWESOME or STUPID/dumb mistake things, just FUN things)

10. going to that lake whatchamacallit at the beginning of this year with my best Muskie pals
9. painting the bridge in high school...very exciting
8.5 Chicago with Winey and Beaver...so relaxing, so funny...you guys are awesome
8. the pee/poop/corn story I came up with while driving to Dairy Queen a few years ago with good old Ryan Hochstetler, simply because I don't think I've ever made myself laugh so much in my life and I rarely top his stupidity (no offense, kid!)
7.5 I can't remember a certain event, but I know it involved Emily, Laura, and other GBC girls, perhaps at BNYC where I thought, "Wow, this is the funnest day of my life." I love you girls. You had a big part in changing my life.
7. the week with my Junior Adventure campers and my awesome co and friend, Danny, this past summer
5. the first time I rode the Power Tower at Cedar Point...whoo! Whatta rush!
4. Relient K concert on Saturday
3. Alive this past summer...especially Five Iron Frenzy, free carnival fries, swimming, water slides, swing dancing, etc.
2. All of cross country in high school...the good times anyway, when we were all friends, playing spoons, getting in trouble, and so on, mostly because it was the first time I really had friends that cared enough to take care of me (even though I did almost die a couple times), my first real guy friends (yeah, I saw them go through puberty!), the first time I actually had confidence in myself, the first crazy, fun, fun, fun times...and all that jazz. I miss you all!
1. GOING TO THE BEACH THIS SUMMER IS GOING TO BE THE FUNNEST WEEK OF MY LIFE (at least it better be!)

"I hate, I despise your festivals,
and I take no delight in your solemn assemblies.
Even though you offer me your burnt offerings and grain offerings,
I will not accept them;
and the offerinings of well-being of your fatted animals
I will not look upon.
Take away from me the noise of your songs;
I will not listen to the melody of your harps.
But let justice roll down like waters,
and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream."
-Amos 5:21-24


The Lord does not take joy in meaningless prayer, gatherings, music, praise, worship, sacrifice, service, witnessing, etc...
It's not about church. It's not about praying now and then. It's so much more.

It's difficult to give God our whole hearts, isn't it? It's difficult not to want to do things with this voice in the back of our heads that says "This will make God happy," or "This will make all these people really happy," or "This will make me feel good about myself." It's really difficult to sing with all our hearts every time we praise. This stuff sure isn't easy, is it? God wants our whole hearts. We are to give ourselves as living sacrifices.

Ah, I sound so preachy. I apologize. The only reason I'm writing this is because it helps me get my thoughts on paper. Hahaha...or should I say on-screen? These past two days have been so wonderful! The weather outside (besides the tornadoes lastnight) is amazing! We took a relaxing adventure to Kendra's church camp, I've gotten loads of work done, and wow, I feel like God is showing me a lot and convicting me of so many things. Thanks God! You're way cool.

Never underestimate my Jesus....
You're telling yourself there's no hope,
I'm telling you you're wrong.
When the world around you crumbles,
You will be strong.
He will be strong.

Never underestimate my Jesus. This is the title of one of Relient K's songs and the phrase keeps repeating itself in my head, and I don't think that's just because I was at their concert lastnight (my whole 21-year-old body is aching, aching, aching from jumpin around with a thousand 16 year olds). Perhaps I should say this phrase, "Never underestimate my Jesus" to myself about every 2 minutes because I underestimate Jesus a whole lot. I mean, God is AWESOME. He can do ANYTHING. And here I am worrying, wondering, questioning, whining, crying, yada yada yada. I'm going through one of those phases where I am really happy on the inside but certain parts of me just feel sad and confused and maybe a little angry. Very difficult to explain. But you know, it's good because I think I have felt this way for a long time but I tried to ignore it. And ignoring our deep down feelings isn't always a good thing, but it's pretty tough trying to figure them out. So I'm just praying God fills the empty spaces that I've been trying to fill with other things and that I'll start trying to do things more for Him than anyone else. It's really upsetting when I go through these things because I realize how much I fall short, how far away I am, and it's tough to get back to where I know I need to be, especially when people give me these looks like they're expecting something from me and I want to do exactly what they DON'T expect because their expectations make me really, really angry.

And I just want to say, "I need you to accept me this way." Because I can't be perfect all the time.

For example, if I just said a cuss word to test their reaction, they'd freak out and all give me these looks like "Oh my goodness........." They wouldn't know what to think!!! And EVERYONE would be praying for me. It's kind of funny if you think about it. Of course I wouldn't do that because I feel really bad saying cuss words, but do I feel bad because I worry what people think or because I know God doesn't like it? See how that works? It's weird.

I want to smile because I am filled with the joy of the Holy Spirit, not because I am expected, forced, or asked to smile.

Well, my past two entries have been interesting, if I do say so myself. I know that if I weren't me and I were reading this online diary I'd be jumping to all sorts of conclusions. Well, don't get ahead of yourself. :)

Tonight I'll get to spend some good times with Sharon doing one of our most favorite things that we have in common that most people don't do around here, and that's act like morons and jump around to music that no one else reallly likes. I just hope and pray that she is in the mood to do that! (Be in a good mood Sharon!) Now to all my O and Woo-town folks, I know you think Relient K is lame, and that's okay. But I like them because I think they're fun.

I think that people may see that by reading this diary, I'm a little frustrated. I guess I see a lot of people hurting, angry, or sad right now because they realize they try to live up to other people's expectations so much. What I really want to do is follow Christ's example. I want to sing for God, pray for God, study for God, get good grades for God, talk for God, listen for God, dress for God...and so on. I want it ALL to be FOR Him, not to impress people, not to prove myself to anyone, not to live up to someone else's expectations. A lot of my friends are learning this lesson right now, including myself. I think it's nearly impossible to not have any outside, selfish motivations. So the question of the day is....who are you living for? When we try to impress other people besides God, that's idolatry. And you know, that really, really scares me, because I am pretty sure that I commit idolatry every single day. I'm pretty sure that I've never done anything TOTALLY UNSELFISH in my life. Sin is such a big, huge, wide issue. Sin (Satan) is permeating this campus like a stampede of wildebeasts (think Lion King multiplied by a million) and the Christians on campus are little Simba, hanging on for dear life. And who knows where the non-Christians are, but I imagine they're the ones getting trampled. Leave it to me to use a Disney movie as a spiritual metaphor! We absorb ourselves in legalistic mumbo jumbo, fake smiles and fake joy and fake peace and fake love and fake prayer. Hostilities, jealousy of each other, resentment, dissension, judgment...the list goes on. Does anyone know what I'm saying? Am I exagerrating? Am I imagining things? Is Satan trying to destroy us or is it just me? I don't know what to do except pray...

So pray for us, okay?

Grace and peace, kids.

"There is victory that overcomes our world, our faith." -1 John 5:4

"The LORD is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth."
-Psalm 145:18

"His love is certain. He has never gone back on a single promise, and He never will." -Billy Graham

You know, God really knows His stuff. I'm really thankful for that. I am also really thankful that He has always known the future and I haven't, because if I had known last year this time that I'd be dealing with the same things this year that I was last year, I'm pretty sure I would have given up, but since I know that God is in control no matter what happens, I know I have His strength to carry me. For the past week or so I've been pretty stressed and confused about a lot of things. Then yesterday, I felt slightly sick. As I sat down in the hallway of Montgomery hall, I said, "Okay God, I know. I need to slow down. I need to relax." So I prayed first, that I would have TIME to relax. The busy-ness lately has been good--it's kept me busy, and I needed that. But I knew it was time for a break. So lastnight I prayed for time to have alone time with God, to relax, to be comforted...

You probably don't want to hear all the details, but God totally answered my prayer! I've had so much time today to just relax...time in prayer, time with Susan, and a long walk in the woods by myself. I finally allowed myself to relax...and guess what? My stomach doesn't hurt anymore. It probably will around dinner time...but I'm really going to try to RELAX!

So now I am in this mood that is very hard to explain. It's like I don't want to allow myself to feel anything because I know I can't trust my feelings and lately, my feelings have seemed pretty wrong. Emily always talked about how we CAN control our thoughts and our feelings more than most people think. I've been trying so hard to do that for so long--over a year--okay, so I know people wait for things longer, but a year is quite a length of time. I'm sueing someone if I have more than one ulcer (I'm sure I have at least one, and I'll take the blame for that one!) So I know I just need to trust God and I DO, I really do, but that doesn't make the daily grind any easier--my wants, dreams, desires--they are so high. I know God knows what is best for me, and my expectations are pretty high, so I really pray that He blesses me with a HINT or something soon...do you know what I'm saying? I know He's going to bless me--He already has in SOOOOOOOOOOO MANY WAYS! And goodness, I am so thankful. But on this one issue, I'd really like a hint. That way, maybe I'd have some more information to go on. I can't seem to just forget about it--I've already tried that. And hanging on, well, I don't know if that's the best thing to do. What I AM going to do is relax. I suppose I need peace and faith more than anything right now, even more than I need a "hint." Sometimes, I confuse myself.

My Advice to Men Because Stupid Guys Keep Asking Me Dumb Questions or Doing DUMB Things

What do women want? Women want to feel special.

That means: They don't want you to be ashamed to be around them. This, for some women, may mean that holding hands is a nice thing to do, and other sorts of affection. But most of all it means...don't ignore her around other people.

That does NOT mean (in most cases) that they want you to buy frivolous things for them just so YOU can score brownie points. Don't be selfish about the nice things you do for someone, because THAT'S not doing anything at all for them.

It also does NOT mean that you try to make them into what you want them to be. In other words, don't expect them to change their beliefs because of you, change their hair style, clothes, music, personality, friends, etc. Of course people change and learn from each other...that's not a bad thing, but if you're gonna love someone, for cryin out loud love them for WHO they are and NOT how much "potential" they have at being the "perfect" wife, mother, slave...and whatnot.

Don't ever lie or withhold information. This includes that STUPID statement, "I didn't lie...I just exagerrated..." or "I just left that part out."

If you don't trust your own feelings, then don't share them. For example, NEVER say "I love you" unless you honestly believe you'll never stop saying it.

Something that was frustrating yesterday: My boss calling a mandatory meeting at the last minute like she always does, perfectly aware that we always have one at the beginning of the month but never telling us when until the day of the meeting. Needless to say, I did not attend because my family was visiting for my birthday. Will I get fired? No, because they need me. Do I care right now? Not particularly.

Something that was fun yesterday: Playing Yahtzee with Jake and Kendra. It was relaxing, fun, and way awesome to just chill with friends...kinda like old times.

Something funny: Kendra heard that cats heal themselves by purring...so she's walking around humming to herself trying to cure herself. They have pills for that one, girlfriend! :)


Something I'm really happy about: Kari is back to her normal self!

Something yummy: My aunt Cathy sent a Thanksgiving dinner to school for us. Isn't that creative? It even contains directions on how to prepare a can of green beans.

Something ucky: I had to walk out of theater two times today because I thought I was going to throw up.

Something really good: I studied for two hours in the library today, wrote a paper lastnight, and finished reading a novel. I am almost caught up. Isaiah isn't as difficult as I thought. It seems that when I'm in the library, it's much easier to concentrate. I wonder why!

Something sad: I haven't seen Sharon today.

Something I bet you never knew about me: I used to take baths in a barrell outside of my grandma's house in the summertime.

Something someone intelligent once said: "The greatest gift is the gift of thyself." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Something I am extremely thankful for: Shredded cheddar cheese
Awesome friends

In our soap opera-like lives here at Muskingum, I would just like to say that I'm thankful for all of you who have been through this continuing, never-ending saga of our lives (until we all die, of course) right along with me. God couldn't have given me better people to experience life with. We've certainly had our ups and downs, and despite the fact that some of us should seriously despise each other, we don't. We love each other and have provided such encouragement to one another. Praise God for forgiveness and understanding. I love you all!!!!

Hi! It's Wednesday and that means I am tired. My family is coming to celebrate my birthday today, which makes me really happy. They're an awesome family. I did some way cool stuff in weight lifting today. I am now Superwoman.

My birthday was (and I mean it, too!) one of the very best birthdays ever! And the only reason I say "one" of the best is because my 7th birthday was really cool because I had my first slumber party with all the girls in my class (that's when girls still got along). Also, my 5th birthday (maybe my 4th) was at McDonalds and I got a glow worm and my mom left the cake on top of the car. All my preschool friends were there for that one, and boy, was it ever so fun. You remember, don't you Ryan?

But my birthday isn't even over yet because the concert is this Saturday and I am way, way excited to get jiggy. Sharon and Susan did the sweetest thing ever for my birthday and I nearly cried. It included a lot of stuff, but most of all, it let me know how amazingly cool they are AND they love me, too!!! Kalyn, of course, got me the cutest card and a little Charlie Brown book! Then, my friends at the Lighthouse arranged a suprise party! Me and my super fly intuition caught on to it, but you know, it was still a surprise because I never expected so many people would show up. EVERYONE who reads this, tell Kendra she did a great job on the cake. I was really happy because somehow she picked out the kind of cake I like (I don't like cake much), with the only kind of frosting I like! Isn't she amazing? It was the best. I had been craving cake all day...THAT kind of cake...not your typical Beuhler's or Hawkins cake. Frito brought over a 40 ounce. Yeah, a 40 ounce of apple cider! HA! I got lotsa cute cards and the best card ever from Ryan Shirley, which said my ticket to the concert is paid for. How very nice! Then I had the privilege of talking till 1:30 in the morning, which I haven't done in a long, long time...which I don't necessarily miss, but I think it was a good thing. This year will hopefully be different than last year in the boy area of my life. I don't know if I should make that a goal, because I usually set myself up for failure if I make a goal. I'll just be more careful and take one day at a time.

I need to read Isaiah for OT, which is much more challenging than I expected. I'm having trouble with it. Cliff's notes, anyone?

Bible study was AMAZING lastnight! Yay for God! He is pretty cool.

I hope everyone has a fab day! Grace and peace!

See that? See the date? Yeah, that's my birthday! Doesn't that date sound wonderful?! Aww, I say it in my head and it screams, HAPPY DAY! "November 4th...November 4th...November 4th..." So I'm finally 21...or should I say ALREADY?! Gee, when I was 16 I couldn't wait for this day to come. It's not quite the way I expected it then, but just as exciting! Kinda scary too. I feel like I should feel older. I feel like I should be taller or something. More mature perhaps. Definitely some cooler clothes. Oh well! Happy Birthday to me!

I just read this article about a daughter's last month at home with her mother, stepfather, and younger sister before she went off to college. We girls probably all remember that month--where practically everything they said got on our nerves and every time they tried to get close, we would pull away. And everytime they'd say "I'm going to miss you," we would roll our eyes and sigh. It made me miss my mom a lot. In fact, it made me cry quite a bit...
So here's a poem for my mother. (It's kind of cheesy, but it's for her, and she'll like it, and that's all that matters!)


I wish I were eating dinner with her or talking over hot tea,
With 2 packs of Sweet-n-Low for her, and cappucino for me.
I wish she were standing in the middle of the kitchen floor,
Watching me through the bathroom door.
"You've gotten taller (or skinnier or prettier)," she'd say,
And I would reply, "Mom, you told me that yesterday."
I wish we were out driving or shopping together.
She'd pick outfits for me--crazy things like lace or leather.
I would say, "I can't wear that, mom..." or "That won't fit."
And she'd reply, "Girl, if you got it, you better flaunt it."
We might talk about friends, gossip, and of course boyfriends.
I might whine about the last one, the new one, the future one...
She'd say, "Forget about him, get over it...and go have fun!"
Then she'd tell me her strategy with her fortune telling skills
As I'd roll my eyes and say she needs to be on some pills.
But moms, they know their stuff. My mom REALLY knows her stuff.
But really, when it comes to being with her, I can't get enough.
So here's to you mom, for my very own birthday,
I wanted you to know, so this I will say;
I know it's hard for you as I grow older...
But there's no better place in this world than to have my head on your shoulder.

November 4, 2002 I celebrate you, Mom...because well, you worked a lot harder than I did, you loved me more than anyone ever could, you protected me, you cared for me, you went above and beyond and became my friend. I love you.