I don't think anyone reads this anymore and I don't think my creative juices are flowing anymore, so I might terminate this online diary. So if you read it and think it's worth it, let me know.

Okay, enough of that subject.

Things are going so very well in every area of my life, although watching others in rough times tends to make me sad. Sometimes I think I feel guilty for having things going well when things for other people aren't going well at all. It doesn't seem fair. I guess the world would be crazy if people went through bad things all at once and good things all at once because then we couldn't support each other, and the Lord knows I've needed support in the past, so giving others support is not only a responsibility, but an opportunity and a gift--because that is part of being friends.

Never in my life did I ever, ever imagine having friends like I do. I never imagined that I'd be able to be totally honest, totally open, cry in their arms, and hopefully, spend the rest of my life being their friend. God has blessed me with many things, but friends have got to be one of the best gifts of all. They are all so different, so unique, and all so amazing! Wow!

Favorite people of the day:

Olivia Newton-John: Because Susan was singing that "Physical" song the other day and she sort of reminds me of Olivia.
Sharon: Because she is so very cool.
ALL my friends, because they are all equally wonderful.
Jake: Because he makes me smile...a lot...

I have a lot of scenarios.

Two Singles as Good Friends

No one on one time, unless you have been asked out on a date or asked someone else on a date. In other words, you should clearly define the relationship. One on one time can be great, but when it is in excess, like more than when absolutely necessary or the friends share really personal things, at least one of the "friends" will probably start having feelings for the other. Now, either you can save yourself from the heartache, or you can refrain from not being evil and protect the other person from heartache. Now there is the situation that happens like "Oh but I REALLY like him sooo much, he is such a nice guy, but I really don't think this is going anywhere but just maybe, maybe it might...I know he likes me, and I might like him, but I don't really think so...." This is when things get dangerous, because most likely the "evil" person in this situation is going to send some very mixed messages, because, as you can see, they're pretty mixed up themselves. They need to escape this situation and start things over, whether its with an official date or an official "see ya around." Trust me, I know this situation...I've been on both sides. I've been the evil one and I've been the heartbroken one, and yes, no matter which side you are on, you feel pretty horrible. It's not fun.

Two Friends who are Dating Other People

I agree that this makes for a much safer, secure friendship, especially if you're all friends. There is still cause for concern in the one-on-one time. Even if it is in a public place, other people may start to wonder and you don't want people asking YOUR boyfriend or girlfriend things like, "Hey, I say your bf/gf with ___________ today. They hang out a lot..." It's a weird situation, and not that it really matters what anyone else thinks, but why cause struggle or give the other person/people involved any reason to be jealous? Sharing too much with someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend can be frustrating for their partner, knowing that you, most likely a friend of theirs, knows many intimate things about their relationship--perhaps even more than they do. This is why when it comes to my girls' boyfriends, I try to maintain a safe, clear distance.

So I think people should ask themselves some questions:

-Is what I am doing going to give anyone reason to be jealous (even if they say it's okay, even if it's just a LITTLE bit, even if they promise it doesn't make them jealous at all)?
-Is what I am doing going to cause anyone to lose trust in me?
-Is what I am doing best for everyone involved, or is it a selfish act?

See, we have to make sure that when we are in risky friendships, we ask ourselves honestly---are we take, take, taking from the relationship and not giving? Are we doing the person/people more harm than good? Sometimes, it seems, we seek close personal relationships from the opposite sex because it makes us feel better about ourselves, it's exciting, it offers strong emotional support that members of the same sex can't offer, and so on. This may not always be the case, but many times it is, so we have to check our hearts.

Now there are guy friends of mine that have been my friends for many years, and I think it's safe to say that we are "safe," but it wasn't always that way...we went through a lot of turmoil to get where we are, and in many cases we made life hell for each other at certain times. They're great guys and worth the trouble, though, and I love them so much! However, there are still guidelines to keep, and even though I believe we have nothing "for each other," I would never, ever, want to give their girlfriends (if they have one) a reason to doubt or to be jealous, I would never want to cause the guy friend of mine to stray or stumble, and I would never want to risk my own relationship (if I happen to be in one :) ). So I avoid one-on-one time with the boys, which isn't so hard and they know and understand. I know Jeff will probably read this and respond :) At least, I hope he will! Friends like Jeff and Winey are people I love so, so much, and everyone who knows us all understands our friendship, but since their girlfriends and my, well, you know, don't know and probably would have a difficult time understanding, I don't want to give them any reason at all to stumble in their relationship with each other. I highly respect and value the relationships of Jeff and Anne and Winey and Stephanie--and even if Anne and Stephanie were TOTALLY cool with me spending one-on-one time with their boyfriends, why risk it? Why give them a reason to doubt for a SECOND? And if this is my own rule, not to spend one-on-one time with a guy when I have a boyfriend, then it would be totally hypocritical for me to turn around and spend alone time with a guy who has a girlfriend. Do you get it?

I don't expect other people to agree with me, but in many cases, after you've experienced having close friendships with members of the opposite sex, most people start to agree....
Guys and girls can't be "just friends...," at least not without some serious complications and emotional stress. Now that we're in our twenties and stuff, it's just really messing with people's lives and hearts. It's not a nice thing to do. Be careful :)

Let me tell you about how much I love my scarf. It is saving me. I think that if I weren't a Christian, I'd start worshipping my scarf. My coat is so warm, too--but there has been a new addition to the family: my brother's mittens. I always have very cold hands, but even when it was 10 below zero the other night, my hands were sooo warm. I stole them from my brother :) Am I a good sister or what?

I read this article earlier this week about a topic of discussion that Kendra and I have been pretty "excited" about, meaning we think we know what is right and what is wrong (in most cases) and in many cases, I wish other people would see it the way I see it (you know, it's that hard-headedness in me shining through), but unfortunately, a lot of people don't. I want to know what you all think, so here it is.

So, I want to ask the age-old question, the question that has skyrocketed since the release of "When Harry Met Sally" to some of you....

"Can guys and girls be "just friends?" Meaning, can a guy and a girl have a close and intimate friendship and keep it at that? What are the risks? What can you do to prevent problems, heartbreak, and struggle? Say what you think in the comments section below and if possible, support it...!

Do you ever want to say to people, "Please learn what I learned already," meaning, you wish they could learn an important life lesson that you've already learned, and you want to tell them all about it and tell them that what they are doing is stupid, but you can't because you know that they will just have to learn from experience. So you watch and watch and watch as they go through the same things you did and experience the same crappy things you did, and you can't even really do anything about it but watch. ...And if you try to be a "friend," it only comes off as being condescending. This applies to so many situations. Sometimes I really honestly think I know what's going on--why a person might be going through what they are going through, what they should do about it, etc...but they don't listen, and it's better to let them find out on their own most of the time anyway. Can't say I didn't try, huh?

Wow!!! Guess what I did lastnight?! (that was rhetorical---you don't REALLY have to guess, but if you want to, start guessing....



Oh, you're wrong (if you tried to guess, I'm betting you didn't guess right)! Lindsay, Kendra, Kari, Brad, Jake and I went sled riding lastnight at 10:00 on dumpster lids! They are PERFECT for sledding. We went over to Mem/Moore's hill by the hollow and had an absolute blast and a half. Speaking of "blasts," I got blasted by a tree and Jake's head...I'm pretty sure I have a concussion. That tree just popped outta nowhere. I had my eyes closed because I was in front and the snow blasted me in the face, and silly Kari must have forgotten to say something like, "TREE!" And then all of a sudden I felt this horrible, totally unexpected crash as my left leg seemed to just crunch against this wall (which I found out was a tree when the branches started to attack my face). I laughed, but was afraid to move in fear that perhaps my leg had been broken....and finally, after Kari recovered from shock and let me out of the tree, I stood up and said....

"YEEEEEAAAAHHHH!"

It was like Rudy or something.

Well, lastnight's serious time with God makes sense now. I'm glad He decided that I needed some serious alone time with Him because it definitely prepared me for other things.

Today is January 26th, 2003. Remember that date.

Hi! I think I'm out of my bitterness stage now. I'm sure you're all glad to hear that, because my messages have been pretty bitter lately :) I think this is a combination of bitterness towards people and a little lacking in my faith, meaning I'm not sure I have that much faith in God at doing what I need Him to do. So, He's working on that for me. It's a little scary, but it will be good.

Bitterness towards people...I don't know, it might be a kind of judgmental bitterness, like a "I'm right and you're wrong." Sometimes I'm just mean like that, and I grow really frustrated when people are jerks or when they put on an act and other things like that. There's things that have just been put on my heart, and I'm positive they're from the Holy Spirit, so it makes me so angry when people don't see things my way because I really think I'm right! I KNOW it's not about being right and usually it doesn't even matter, but it still causes a lot of frustration sometimes.

I think I've come to a point in my life where I've had to step back from the "social" aspect of Christianity (making lots of friends with everyone, reaching out, and those things, which are of course, very good and an important aspect), and make sure that Christ was still there, beneath all the people, get-togethers, fellowships, talk, and I guess just the whole "physical, I-can-see-it" stuff. I think you probably must understand. I've needed to make my beliefs and my faith my own, on my own--by reading His Word, praying, and seeking Him out--praying that He breaks down all the weird walls that still exist between Him and me. And it's something that I can't really get from talking to people this time, it's something that God needs to work inside of me. It's weird that there are still walls there. I thought I took care of all my walls a long time ago, but it seems that they just keep popping up out of nowhere. I wonder if that will always happen. How many walls from my past can there be? Well, here we go, I guess. It's quite an adventure. It's like that movie, Labyrinth, with David Bowie!
Wall-wall-funny fairy things-secret passage-wall-big fall!-tornado-monster-wall-wall-shortcut-new friend-stairs-up-up-up....

This is what my personality test results said:

Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest...Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.


Do you agree???

Today, I am angry at the world. I'm angry because everything, everything, everything seems to be about sex. People dress too slutty, act too obnoxious, and all people talk about is sex, sex, sex, whether they're doing it implicitly or explicitly. And people wonder why men cheat on their wives and wives cheat on their husbands and why teenagers are having sex at 14 and yada yada yada. It's ridiculous. See, I've really been trying to hard to just come totally, totally clean and I swear it's nearly impossible with all this jibber jabber going on with sexual connotations and crap. It's really aggravating.

That which usually entertains Lindsay and I is in absence tonight, staying in Cleveland for the weekend. Isn't that a bunch of poop. Meanwhile, I keep thinking about pigs-in-blankets. I don't know why, but I am so hungry for pigs in blankets. Mmmh. We were at dinner for an hour and a half today. Dinner is so much fun. Brad is way awesome, I hope he knows that I don't hate him. He thinks I hate him and that certain things I say are against him, but really he is just paranoid. Maybe he has some type of anxiety disorder. I think that if I were to say any of my friends had an anxiety disorder, it would definitely be Brad. I don't really think he does, though. I just think he likes to pretend he does. This must be some type of disorder as well. I think it might qualify as hyperactivity...not attention defecit, though. Brad and Jake are roommates and at first one might think they are so much alike, but really they are pretty much opposite ends of the spectrum, especially when it comes to anxiety and arguing about stupid things. Okay, okay, so maybe some of the things Brad wants to argue about are pretty big, like nuclear war. This IS something I do care about, but I just don't like arguing about things like that, you know? And I'm always stereotyped. He says to me something like, "Oh you just don't think there should ever be war..." and blah blah blah, but I never said that. I think war stinks, but I never said that I think there shouldn't be war. Of course, war these days just isn't what it used to be back in Gideon times, but I guess the people who are jerks will get their due someday. Aah, well, if you try to argue about everything and figure everything out you'll drive yourself crazy. I'm living in the mountains of Wisconsin and when the world comes to an end, heck, I won't even be here, so there.

Conversation today between first graders:

G: Look Amanda! I have a loose tooth.
Me: Oh wow! Is the tooth fairy going to come visit you?
G: No, I don't believe in the tooth fairy.
S: Yeah, he doesn't believe in anything...

I guess that, according to many kids in this country, that if you don't believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy, that you just don't believe in anything. Why hope and "pray" to Santa? Why put plastic images of some fat old guy in your lawn? And porcelain Santa ornaments? Why encourage your children to write down their wishes and dreams and send them away to some fictional character? I think they call that idol worship. Not sure, but I'm pretty positive it comes mighty close. So not only does glorifying Santa and the Easter Bunny water down the whole Jesus part, it replaces Jesus with plastic images that children see as some kinds of gods. Hmmmm. And people have to question whether or not to tell their kids about Santa? Maybe I'm too judgmental. I want my kids to dream, to imagine things like "what if there are little gnomes under the ground?" But not hope in things that are not real, that take away from God. And such. Do you know what happened to people in the Bible that took part in idol worship? It really pisses Him off. So don't teach your kids that stuff.

Oh, Santa is dead, preschoolers. Okay? He does not exist. Deal with it.

If you guys can not be nice with your comments, I will have to take away that privilege.

:)

So lastnight at about 1 am Lindsay tells me that we have a paper due today in my "Family-Centered Practices" class. This is not a good thing considering I do not have time on Wednesdays to write a paper on thirty pages of information before 1:30. Nonetheless, I began working on it before lunch, typed in the title, the author, my name, the date, and started looking over the article once again. I thought, hey, I've written about this before...and sure enough, last week I completed the paper. Three cheers for me and my working-ahead abilities. Talk about integrity and self-discipline! How do ya like that? Now, if I could only be as disciplined in a few other areas of my life...
Sigh.....

I keep getting cool ideas for my classroom. I just keep thinking of things, so many things that I want to do, and so many books that I want to get. I try to write everything down, but I'll never be able to do all of it. This is a big deal to me because I've always pictured the perfect classroom since I was a little kid. I think it's a bigger deal than my future home. I guess it's more important to have an awesome classroom than it is to have an awesome home. But it's all about LOVE, right? ;-)

"The perfect will of God is attainable, in part, by discipline, but never apart from it."

I always have a song in my head about candy apples. Why? I don't even like them.

Okay okay okay. Sorry for the outburst. I know perfectly well that in fact, most guys are generally very nice people. Everything is better now :) In another couple days or so, I will probably have another outburst again. Be ready for it... ;-)

I am sooo tired right now! I went to bed lastnight around 1...got up at 6:15...got to work at 6:45...heard that school was on a two-hour delay. Then school was cancelled. So, I didn't get to take a shower after work and sleep after work at 9 am. But this was a good thing, because I need the hours. So I worked from 7 am until 1:30 with the preschoolers, a relatively easy job, but quite boring. I really wanted to be with my school-agers. They are so fun to play with. Preschoolers are like, "Teacher, teacher...put my hair in pigtails...button up my pants...draw me a Barbie..." The school-agers are way more cool. Here's to all my buddies in K-3rd Grade...I missed you kids today!

Actual Conversation between two Five Year Olds and a 4-Year-Old Today, Approximately 10 am:

M: "Mommy said that Santa can never, ever, ever die."
J: "Nope, not EVER!"
S: "When you go to Heaven, you don't ever have to sleep."
M: "No naps!"
J: "Santa will never die."
S: "People don't sleep in Heaven."

So, I know that I am supposed to depend on God for happiness, and that He can make me happy, and believe me, He does make me happy. I mean, what more could I ever ask for? So it's not that I want some human (guy) to fill all the empty spaces or rescue me or make me happy...because God most definitely does all those things for me through Jesus Christ. But honestly, people, why can't guys just be nice? Huh? Are you a guy? If so, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE NICE???!!! What's wrong with this picture? I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand.

I was such a jerk today! I have no idea why, but I was so, so, so MAD, and I had NO reason to be mad. I was just really angry. I would just like to apologize for my behavior. I'm really embarassed by it, honestly. I need to be on medication of some sort for severe mood swings. I just cannot believe the way I act sometimes. It's incredible. Gosh, I just hate that! And so for awhile I was really mad at myself, but now I'm just a little embarassed, because that's not me. Ohhh, sigh.

I am a shameless, heartless b---- sometimes when I write. So be afraid, be very afraid, and I apologize in advance...

It is "rush" season again and then comes pledging and all that other stupid, stupid crap.

Now, I understand, I understand, I understand why people join sororities and I don't think you are bad people or stupid in any way at all. I respect you, I love you, I think you're awesome and cool and all that jazz. I could think of about 3 awesome reasons to join sororities, but I, personally (and I do mean personally, this may not be true for all people) have a lot more reasons not to join a sorority.

But really, I hate sororities. These are the top 10 [offensive, stereotypical] reasons why.

10. I don't need to pay for my friends.

9.5 All that yellling on the quad is annoying!

9. I don't feel special by having Greek letters printed across my chest, and I don't like it that people would stereotype me when they see letters printed across my chest.

8.5 I will not subject people to things like lack of sleep, emotional stress, physical torture, smelly clothes, embarassing situations, disgusting practices, etc... in order to be my friends.

8. I don't like it that if one, two, five, twenty...of my "sisters" did something really stupid or mean or something, or if they were just generally not-nice people, that it would reflect badly on me, my non-deserving "sisters" and the "program" I supported (for example, people saying things like "Those stupid Sigmas (not a real sorority)! They are such snobs!" or "They" do this and "They" do that...

7. I don't like it that it is so exclusive (it would be impossible for it not to be exclusive, I think).

6. I don't like it that it reminds me sooo much of the days when my friends and I would make up things like "Best Friends Club" where we'd have secret codes, contracts, ID cards, symbols, and we'd kick people out... I grew past that stage.

5. I am a child of God, and I have plenty of brothers and sisters in Christ to make me happy...we have a "contract" that is by the blood of Christ, and it is offered to EVERYONE at an affordable price---with the benefit of eternal life with Jesus Christ.

4. I do not want to pay for someone else's alcohol. Perhaps, maybe, I'll buy some champagne or wine in my lifetime, and I might even buy a friend or two a daquiri on her 21st birthday and such, but I just cannot help pay for 22 kegs of beer.

3. If anyone starts calling me their "Lil'" or their "Big," they're gonna get the smack laid down Amanda style (cold, hard stare and at least two weeks worth of silent treatment).

2. While I do support Christian sororities in their outreach to Greek life, going into "their world" and such, there are other ways of maintaining this relationship with sorority girls and fraternity guys that would be better suited for other people (such as myself), and while I haven't hung out with a whole lot of Greeks lately (mostly because I have a hard time resisting things like Jell-o shots and Mike's Hard Lemonade), I am perfectly comfortable with visiting most of their parties (I say MOST because I will not go to the Ulsters' presentation of "Oz," understandably). While many are called into this great, respectable opportunity for ministry and join Christian sororities, I am not.

1. And that is the main reason why I am not in a sorority, because the Holy Spirit has not led me to do so...

(which means that all the previous statements are totally irrelevant and were only written due to my bitter attitude and lack of sleep).

In response to Kendra and Veronica, I have a good little blurb from my good pal, Jeff, one of the coolest guys in the world.

"....We were not created to be dominant over each other. In the greater scheme of things I think that one to another is merely a compliment. Surely there are things women do better than men and vice versa. Professing that one sex is dominant over the other is preposterous, at least in my mind. My duty as a male is to compliment a female, and the duty of a female is to compliment a male. In whatever that situation may be. If the female is the "bread winner" of the family, then that male should take the other roles necessary to function that family. It's as simple as that. I know in this vague rant of mine I may not have been totally clear and maybe I will come back and doctor this thing up a little bit, but for now that's how I feel." -Jeff B.

Kendra is trying to put comments on here.

I am actually expanding my horizons! Because I am a big idiot, I do not like to learn new things a whole lot (as in games). I like to do things I know how to do and/or come naturally to me. This means that when it comes to games, I like to play things like Scattergories, CatchPhrase, Balderdash, UpWords, etc...not cards, not anything that involves serious strategy, or anything like that. I like words and letters. This is how my brain functions and what it likes to do best.

BUT since I am really trying to force myself to enjoy things that I have not done before, I have recently learned to play stupid, stupid games like Euchre...and lastnight I learned how to play Chess and Rummy. Yippee! I'm a little proud of myself for now at least understanding the game of Chess, because I know it's a tough game to play and well, it just sounds intelligent, doesn't it? But really, I just hate it. And games like this (Euchre, Chess, etc.) always make me feel dumb, because I know that I'm not good at them. If I practiced, maybe I'd be better, but to get better, I would have to be dumb for awhile, and I don't like being dumb. I think I have a serious ego problem.

Chess is really cool, by the way, because the queen can do whatever she wants!!! And the king is stupid and can only move one space at a time. And once the queen is gone, the king usually dies soon after. This game makes a lot of sense, it really does.

Brad is a great teacher. Jake, on the other hand, is NOT. Here is Jake's method of teaching me how to play Rummy:

Jake: Your turn.
Amanda: I can't go first, I don't know how to play. I don't know what I am doing.
Jake: Your turn. Go.
Amanda: What is the object of the game?
Jake: Do you want me to go first?
I lay down a card, mumbling to myself, and it continues as I ask some questions and mumble more and frequently say things like "I don't know what I am doing, this is stupid, I can't believe this..."
A few minutes pass and I try to guess what it is I am supposed to do, bringing up previous knowledge of watching my mom play Rummikub and gin rummy.
Amanda: I don't know what to discard now. I don't know what I am doing! What is the object of the game?
Jake: Let me see your cards....you're doing it right, you just need four of one kind and three of another.
I think to myself: Good guess, Amanda. (Come on, that was a really good guess!) Now I just need one more 10...
Time passes for a minute or so.
Jake: I win!!!! (He smiles, pretty proud of himself, not looking at me because he knows that he is too happy and proud and that he shouldn't be that proud of himself, and that if he looks at me I'll gouge out his eyeballs, because we are both quite competitive and he knows that he is totally unfair and a big cheater.)
Amanda: Well go figure (throw cards at him). Arrrrrgggghh.

It's a good thing you're dropping your education major, Jake!

Brad: You don't know how to play ANYTHING. No wonder you're hooked on CatchPhrase.
Amanda: I just don't like cards.
Jake: Yeah, such high intelligence at the Lighthouse.

grrrrrrr
grrrrrrr
grrrrrrr!

:-)

An excerpt for you:

Marie had never been suicidal, but in times like these, times of anger and despair, she wanted to smash her car into the next huge oak tree she saw. Not because she wanted to die, but because it would just feel good to slam something. The closest thing sometimes was a steering wheel.
How entertaining it would be the day her husband or children made her really angry and she hit the car in front of her at 10 miles an hour just because she could. Just because it would feel good. Just because it would make them realize she was serious. Just because she was, in most aspects of the mind, a little crazy.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (this is for Kendra): Yes, you are right, of course (smile, smile, smile... :) ) and, I love it.

Happy 17th Birthday to my little cuz Drew!

"He who speaks on his own does so to gain honor for himself, but he who works for the honor of the one who sent him is a man of truth; there is nothing false about him." -John 7:18

"...learn through us the meaning of the saying, 'Nothing beyond what is written,' so that none of you will be puffed up in favor of one against another." -1 Corinthians 4:6

There's some interesting aspects of wisdom that I've been learning...that wisdom can be dangerous, that wisdom can be a blessing, and that Godly wisdom is nothing that is gained by experience or studying or reading...it doesn't matter what you've been through, what you have seen, what you have read...because those things don't matter, and it was nothing YOU did to gain that wisdom...if you have Godly wisdom, it is nothing but a gift from God, and He deserves the credit...not us, not a professor, not a pastor. It is a gift--pray for it, seek it, and use it for God, not for your own benefit or to "puff up yourselves" in favor over another.

So maybe someone's been through a lot, seen many things, travelled to distant worlds, studied the Bible cover to cover--they are probably full of knowledge, stories, experiences...but not necessarily Godly wisdom. And what if someone has not experienced anything very troubling, anything really fabulous, they don't feel knowledgeable...? They can still be wise...

So don't be discouraged, because wisdom is a gift that is offerred to everyone, because it is the Holy Spirit that dwells within us, and the Holy Spirit is offerred to every living human being (the trick is to start using it).

And don't be a jerk about it, either. You can be full of wisdom and still come off as a pompous, malevolent idiot that is either intimidating or annoying or psycho...and what good is wisdom if no one wants to be around you?

[Sorry for the sermon, it was on my mind]

Soo...things are going along just wonderfully :) Everything is very good. The Muskie ladies' basketball team is having some sickness going around, and Lindsay is freaking out, as is Kari, as you can imagine (the de-germing fanatic). I have a cold. I told Kari it's because I didn't wash my hands when I went to the bathroom between classes yesterday. oooops. She is disgusted by my personal hygeine. heeheehehee. Our first Bible study of 2003 was awesome! And well, things are going smoothly all around....

MOM: Can you take my library books back for me? There's two about refinishing furniture.

Lindsay and I get to work on a project together! How fun is that???!

It turns out that Mondays are pretty rough...Kari and I work out at 8:30, and then I have class at 10:30, lunch at 11:30, class at 1:30 and another class at 2:30 and then dinner at 5:00 and then class from 6:30-9:15. Goodbye life on Mondays, and heck with studying, too, you know? Well today (and Tuesdays from hereafter) I work 7-9 in the morning and then I don't have anything....until class from 5:30-8:30 and then Bible study at 8:30. I had a nice two hour nap today. Yaaaaawwwn. SIgh. The night class on Monday isn't too bad because Kari and Lindsay are in that one with me, and they are also in my 334 (excuse me, the title of that class is family-centered practices or something) class. I officially realize why education majors always call their classes by numbers and not titles...they are all exactly the same. The syllabi even look the same. I am so confused on which class is which. I hope that I figure it out soon. Lindsay said she didn't figure it out last semester until the last week at school. I miss not having an English class. Goodbye, creativity! Hello, spoon-fed education. Yippee.

So I only have 16 credits. This worries me. According to my four-year plan, I have everything I need, but I am figuring I probably forgot something. But really, with 70 hours of field experience, I think the Tuesdays and Thursdays off will help, and if I end up here another semester, it's really not that big of a deal....

'cause I'm figuring I'll need a couple extra months to figure out what the heck I'm gonna do with my life!

MOM: YES I am saving my receipts, and YES I have them from last semester...there was a mistake at the bookstore, however, and so I have to take a book back and get another one, so they will have to refund my credit card. Hopefully, they'll be smart enough to figure this one out (haha...I always screwed up credit card refunds at Hallmark. It was really bad).

So...Jake and I went to the movies lastnight to see "Catch Me if You Can," and I had to go to the bathroom two times during the movie and the last time I went, I ran right into the wall in the bathroom. Silly me!


Here's a good thing I read today:

"The result of faulty human perception frequently leads to the establishment of goals that are off target and unproductive in the things that truly matter for eternity.

In sharp contrast, the wisdom given by the Holy Spirit yields clarity and precision. It leads to an expansion of ability, a righteous perspective, and the establishment of goals that are focused and productive, and that are centered on the most important things of eternal benefit."

-Charles Stanley from the book "Walking Wisely"

February 22, 2002

Temporary

He searched for a cure
Skipping pebbles on
A lonely waterway.
He thought of her
And the crashing of
A temporary hand to hold.
She needed more calcium.
He needed some sleep.
She asked for water.
He only wanted ice cream
And cake.
Things were so hurried,
Things were so right
Yet so broken.

December 28, 2002: Christmas Conference


Sharpened thorns along the stairs
I tried to climb into your arms,
But I could not make it there.
I cried in the depths.
I felt so far away,
And just when I thought
I was too scared,
You came to me instead.

I thought you had forgotten me.
I thought I'd never change.
But you took my heart and my pain
And somehow made me whole again,
Accepting me,
Loving me
For every piece
And everything that I am.

I remember that day
You accepted the thorns
For my sake,
Because I was alone and finally
Knew I needed you.

Rusted nails everywhere
So deep inside my soul.
I thought I'd never live
Buy you took them as your own
And somehow made me whole again.

For my sake, you took my pain.
For my sake, you died
So I could live
And be with you again.

Here I am back at school, oh great Muskingum! Things have been sooo good! Kari and Lindsay are here and Mindy was chillin with us. Kari and I made dinner and we ate the BEST dessert ever!!! We went to WalMart and all that jazz, too. Yes, it's a typical Friday night in Muskieland. :) For all you Muskies, I miss you all so very much (okay, I do miss some more than others)! :o) My mom stayed for awhile and talked with Kari and I...the town's gossip, you know. It was way awesome.

It turns out that Veronica and Chrystal are returning tomorrow as well and then Sunday comes and...YAY! Everyone will be back in New Concord! I am so pumped. I can't wait to buy my books. I love new books and I love classes the first few days. After that, I HATE them! I'll miss having an English class. I LOVE buying new novels. Textbooks can be so boring--especially education ones. I feel like I already know all there is to know...me being so intelligent and all. Ha! Well, if you're a Muskie, I'll SEE YOU SOON! Love you all!

Peace and God bless :)

"My baaags are packed, I'm ready to go...

Here I stand inside the do'

I'd love to wake Lindsay up

And say "I'll see you in a few hours!"

That's the song I'll be singin tomorrow afternoon after helping out in my little sister's kindergarten and making a very special yummy dessert surprise for my favorite basketball player, my favorite Lindsay, and the greatest person in the world (I have no idea why the entire world is not celebrating)!

I worked on my room some more, moving my vanity and bed and bedside stand to their proper places....I just need a bed frame, I need to paint the bedside stand, make some black and white pictures, get lattice, paint lattice, get some frames...oh, let's not discuss this now. I got a lot done, I really did! :) The rest will have to wait until...summer, I imagine.

My view on the male species today:

I just don't know!

Oh, and as for summer, I've been asked (in this manner) "Hey! Are you going back to Camp Wanake?!"

Can I get a....
hmm...no.
I've decided against it. :) Sorry!

Tonight I took the sibs to see The Wild Thornberrys Movie and I finished my bookshelf and put all my books away on it and it looks absolutely fabulous! I sat and stared at it for like 15 minutes...I love the sight of books! They are like music to me. La la la la la!

Lastnight I watched one of my favorite love stories, "A Walk in the Clouds." It's such a beautiful movie, and even though it's kind of boring and unrealistic and crazy, it's so...perfect. Keanu Reaves' character is so calm and kind and such a great guy.

Kendra is home and Lindsay was named the OAC Women's Basketball Player of the Week!

oh yes, in case you didn't figure it out, i didn't get to go to sharon's....my parents are worriers and the snow was too bad :-p :-(

Veronica's diary is sooo funny! I love that kid! By the way, V, if you read this stupid thing, I know a guy named Dick Skinner. Ha! What kinda parents do that to their kid?

I certainly did lie in bed this morning....errr, afternoon...until nearly 2 p.m., something I have not done since I don't even know when. I went to bed at about 2, so I got about 12 hours :) Only I really did wake up at about 11, thought about things awhile, fell back asleep until 12, thought about things for another hour, slept a bit, thought some more, until I finally got up. I considered just lying there all day. So then I went to the bank, dropped off some clothes at Goodwill, and worked out at the Y for two hours, where I saw the best coach ever, Coach Meyers. He is awesome. The funny thing is that it seemed like I was at the Y all day, because really since my "day" only lasted about 4 hours, I pretty much WAS there all day. I feel all groggy and stuff too, and no, I didn't work on my room at all, but I did peel a potato. Did you hear that? I PEELED A POTATO! My mom peeled about 4 or 5 in the time it took me to do one, but she is super talented and I am getting better.

I've developed a great new diet (Jake helped a little). The idea is to sleep in until at least 12. When you wake up at 12 or 1:00 or so, eat something like a ham sandwich and some cereal. Then go work out for a few hours like from 4-6. This will help keep you away from the refrigerator. Around 6:30, eat dinner. Then the idea is to kinda try not to eat after dinner, but if you stay up until 2am, it's okay because that's like your breakfast for the next day. I suggest that if you are going to eat something this late, don't eat something bad for you...stick to crackers or something (Chips Ahoy and Oreos are exceptions. You can eat those anytime after 10, but you must have FIVE cookies at a time with some milk). But remember, you have to always sleep in until at least noon.

Today I had the wonderful opportunity of grocery shopping, cooking, eating, and watching a freaky forensic movie with an old high school buddy and forever and ever friend, Chris...we go way back to 8th grade when I sold him my Nirvana “Nevermind” CD for ten bucks. Those were the days when he’d make fun of how tight my Daisy Dukes :) were and I’d make fun of how baggy his pants were. And then we moved on to high school, where cross country and track ruled our lives and we lived for long bus rides, conversations about God (with some ridicule and snickering from Kassandra and I), and of course, those Seventeen magazine “quizzes” that shoebox you into categories like “Fun-Loving Girlfriend,” “I-Could-Care-Less-What-You-Do Girlfriend,” or “He’s-MINE-So-Get-Away-From-Him Girlfriend, or how nice you are, what a great friend you are, and so on and so forth...and playing “Shoes” (cross country version of “Spoons”), and fighting over what music to listen to (Ben would turn off the Beastie Boys and Kassandra and I would beg them to play our hype song, “I Got to Keep on Movin’” featuring Puff Daddy before he was that other weird name and before J-Lo was anybody). And Chris would make fun of my boyfriends or try to hook me up with someone and all the girls from the other teams would hit on him and Ben, much to the shock of the Orrville girls (we never found them all that attractive, so why should they?) and much to our scorn (hey, they’re OUR guys, so LAY OFF!)....because no girl was good enough for them, in our eyes, and besides, that was just gross.

SO this entry is dedicated to you CC pals of mine from O-town....weren’t those awesome times?
Kassandra, Kathy, Abby....Chris, Ben, Ryan....I love you guys! Way to go to Ben and Ryan for representing the Orrville XC team...too bad all the rest of us can’t even get a mile in :)

A recount....

Painting the bridge, getting arrested, “we were just chillin’ at my house,” those stupid nasal strips, breakfasts at Mrs. J’s, pasta parties, cramps from eating all that fruit before regionals, “It was my shoe!” Coach Meyers, Coach Flack and his son (Ethan?), 6:30 am practices, Steve Smythe trying to lecture us on what to do and how to do it, Abby and I peeing our pants, me making the bus stop on the way to regionals, taping our shoe strings, taping our ankles, taping our shins, spandex, Ryan’s “boobs,” de-pantsing each other, 6 1000 meter repeats, ladders, and other track workouts, mile repeats, 10 400 meter repeats, (God, what was I THINKING?!), our freshmen...Rachel and Anita...., our sophomore, Lindsay, and the good days, the REALLY good days before the guys became jerks and we were all best friends....swing dancing in the parking lots, pepperoni rolls, granola bars, soup in a thermos, water bottles, shin splints, heel spurs, heat exhaustion, rain, snow, cow manure, ten miles out to Burton City, 10k’s at the Hall of Fame...oh the list goes on and on!

My all-star roommate scored 20 points in her basketball game yesterday....way to go, Linds! Everyone who reads this better give her a big hoot and a holla cuz she rocks and her bday is comin’ up, too!!!

I leave for Sharon’s house tomorrow morning...yay for me! It’s a four hour trip! We’re going to have a blast and a half! Then I will get back Wednesday and soon after that I’ll be truckin it outta here for good ol’ Muskieland! It looks like I won’t be finishing my bookshelf and bedside stand, or my whole entire room, for that matter. I worked so incredibly hard on it and still didn’t get that much done. I didn’t get done the main things that I wanted to, like the crates and the lattice and pictures and picture frames and well, my room is just in shambles right now. And my bedside stand is still in a box! I wasn’t counting on having to paint a bookshelf and a bedside stand though, and I certainly wasn’t counting on doing this technique on the stupid things that takes about 17 steps. 17 steps, I think, for real!

Oh geez, I really do have a lot to do. I wasn’t expecting the end of break to come so quickly! Kendra...I passed the time, I really did, without going crazy or thinking about horrible things!!!!!!! AND Kendra, guess what I did today? I made a plan for your little table-topper things at your wedding reception :) Aren’t you proud? They’re going to be absolutely FABULOUS. I wish I hadn’t slept till 1pm in the morning all through break, because then I might have actually accomplished all the working out I wanted to do over break. I have to make up for lost time on my breaks because Muskingum’s work out machines and weights are poopy.

And the game today! GRRRR! Now, very rarely in my life have I sat and watched an entire football game and actually been interested in it, but when the Browns play the Steelers, who can resist? I watched the whole thing and they lost! Boo-hoo. All I have to say to you Cleveland “players” is WHY?! Why?! That’s what I get for actually watching a football game...stress and disappointment. Another reason not to watch sports and play video games. Stress, stress, stress. Sigh, sigh, sigh.

Lessons of the day that I learned the hard way:

Don't get steel wool in your eye or stuck in your finger.
Don't wear socks you particularly care about while painting.
More lessons later...

Okay, well I’ll talk to you later, when I get back from Sharon’s. Meanwhile, just remember....

"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."

Well, we didn't go ice skating today because Frito was sick. I'm sad that I didn't get to see my friends, but THREE CHEERS for no ice skating!!!! My prayer lastnight, "God please don't let me get hurt ice skating," must have caused God to decide that it would take a miracle to allow me to skate and not get hurt, and although God is really good at miracles, I don't think He'd want to use a miracle with me and ice skating. It wouldn't be good for me, because then I would just always think I was a great ice skater and could also start running and all that again, and I don't think He wants me to do all that. So no miracle for Mandi. Instead, Frito just got sick! (Sorry Frito!)

Someone call the psychiatrist because I've become anorexic! All I ate today was a granola bar! I was so busy trouncing around the nation finding paint, varnish, stencils, brushes, more paint, and other things like wire wool, and that of course led to about five hours of priming up my new bookcase...so I forgot to eat! I just got done eating about half a pizza, so don't worry. :) Well, The idea is to paint my new bookcase and then make it look old. That doesn't make sense at all, does it? It'll hopefully be quite beautiful, and will be the sort of thing my kids fight over when I'm dead. :-D

Cheers to the guys at DiGiorno. It's certainly not delivery...it's BETTER! Mmmmmh the crust is soooo good and I just love this pizza. I love it!

Meanwhile, I am just amazed. Amazed, I tell you!

I spent the day pampering myself (pedicure, manicure, bubble bath, etc.), painting, going to the Y, and painting some more...and you know what? If STUPID microsoft explorer does not stop popping up stupid ads, I am going to sue them. Tomorrow, I'm meeting Frito, Beth, Rachel, and Tim in Wooster. I think we're going ice skating...which will be a horrible experience for me, considering skating is one of the most painful things to do for someone with knees that might as well be filled with shards of tiny pieces of stabbing glass. I'll stop whining...it will be fun, I know. :) Sigh...I hope.

Ohhh, do pray for me. My skiing fears are arising. Maybe I will be a skating prodigy...who knows?

Ooooooh! There’s a scary movie on TV!!!!

So, the Crest WhiteStrips (TM) saga continues....they are working extremely well. I am quite impressed. My teeth have, however, become rather sensitive during this process, a warning that is noted on the directions. They tell me it’s nothing to worry about. Last night I had yet another nightmare about losing my teeth. It was only one tooth this time and I really, really did think it was really happening. These dreams about losing my teeth are seriously disturbing, and I did not eat anything before I went to bed, either. I’m sure the reason for the outburst of the tooth dream was because of the Crest WhiteStrips (TM) and the fact that I did not use them last night due to a late telephone call (yes).

The Christmas Conference in Indianapolis with Campus Crusade for Christ was awesome, as you can imagine. I finally had the opportunity to sleep with Sharon, too! I don’t know what else to say about the conference....we spent the hour up until the new year worshipping and praying. That was really cool. We also had a big dance with the theme of “5 dollar Prom,” so we dressed up in funky thrift shop outfits. It was hilarious. Frito looked awesome--check out pictures if you get a chance! I thought a lot while I was there about what I’m going to do this summer, what things I need to do differently next semester, and boy/relationship issues. Silly God! He didn’t give me any flashing red lights in the sky, but He sure did some amazing things and He’s still working!

To all you Muskies: I will be returning on Friday :) See you soon! I miss you all so incredibly much.