Okay, today I am going to talk about:

My Day and My Week
Alison
French Fries
Elementary Schools

Read what you want, if anything at all.

Well, I am behind, aren't I? I don't think I have ever gone this long without writing in this thing. Sometimes, I think this thing is unhealthy. Sometimes, I think it's good. It takes a lot of time to keep this thing up to date. My entries at the beginning were so good and now they are just crazy and psychotic (those are two words that mean basically the same thing). So yes, I have been rather busy. I haven't started my unit that I was complaining about last time because it turns out that my cooperating teacher sprung on me that I need to do my Pathwise Observed Lesson next week. This is a huge ordeal in the education world. I have never been Pathwise observed, but it involves designing perfect lesson plans and performing a perfect lesson. Well, I do have a perfect lesson plan, of course, in my head...now I just need to get it on paper...

I thought I had to work today at 11:30 but it turns out that I really didn't. Darn, because I could have slept until about noon if I had known that. But, God had other plans, because this getting up at 10:30 really worked out well for me today--I got a great email from Richard (Kendra's fiance, for those of you who don't know), I ate lunch with some guys I've never eaten with, and I'll still have time to study for my HORRIBLE professor's quiz that he sprung on us on Wednesday. What is it with these people???

We had a speaker yesterday for Campus Crusade. He spoke like four times. Crazy, huh? But anyway, I guess a lot of people "accepted" Christ, something I'd rather call "got saved" but you know what I mean. Awesome, huh?! He was a good speaker, but I have this curse on me because our National Youth Conference in high school was so amazing and had such incredible speakers that any speakers I hear now just don't compare...oh I know it's not about the speaker, but the Holy Spirit, but for some reason, this little past history of mine is sometimes just...strange, I guess. I mean I've heard Ron Hutchcraft, Joshua McDowell, that Bob? guy from the Bronx, Chuck and Luci Swindoll...I mean those people are, I think, some of the best, most powerful speakers in the country. I don't know why I can be so critical during other speakers,because I know the speaker himself or herself isn't so important--not at all. Sigh. Human inadequacy.

Next topic: Alison. Alison is Veronica's friend from Bedford, I think she is from Bedford, see I don't even really know, and I met her once very,very briefly but she started reading my online diary and I hear she thoroughly enjoys it. Well, she sent me a card in the mail--homemade and everything! It was one of the sweetest, encouraging,and adorable cards I have ever received, totally surprising and unexpected and it really meant a lot to me. I mean, a lot. It meant so much that I think I'm going to cry right now here in the computer lab because I am emotional that way when people do nice things for me so totally unselfishly. But it was so, so sweet, you know? So I should make her a card, but realistically, I probably won't because I don't have stamps and books of stamps cost a good 7 dollars or something and I have to use my 7 dollars to pay for those GIRL SCOUT COOKIES (YUM!!!!) I ordered. So Alison, I want to thank you, and send a big, big hug your way because you are so thoughtful and I really, really enjoy you. If I ever become rich, I'm going to send you on an all-expenses paid trip to Bali. Seriously, I'm going to make a note of that right here in my datebook.

Next topic: French Fries.
There are several reasons why the college dining hall is now my favorite restaurant. Yes, seriously, my favorite restaurant.

1. Really excellent french fries.
2. Because they have really excellent french fry seasoning now that they put out now because of my request.
3. They put it out at my request.
4. They really do try to make the dining experience a good one because they put out that french fry seasoning.
5. The french fries are, sort of, free, because I'd be paying for 14 meals a week anyway.

One reason why I hate the dining hall:
1. I am going to get fat because now all I want to eat is those french fries and maybe if I could eat french fries with salad it wouldn't be so bad, but I don't like any of their salad dressings.

Next topic: Elementary Schools

Why do they all smell the same?

I should be really stressed out right now. Most people would be. I have a lot of things to do, a lot of stupid little things to take care of, you know how that is, and I still have a work in progress on my report card and my professor is not calling me back and I have a million hours long night class tonight that's going to freak me out because she's going to tell us all this stuff we need to do and remind me of stuff that I haven't done...like observe in a child care center for three hours, a child care center that I don't know where or when that is going to be or anything of that sort, so I'll have to make phone calls and all that and then I have not started my 40 hour field experience at the salvation army and another place where I haven't been told where I am going yet, and I have only gone twice to my third grade classroom which I need 30 hours of experience in, because school keeps being canceled and I have about 30 signs sitting downstairs to hang up on this hill that I do not have time to hang up and I have laundry to do down in the basement that just can't seem to get done and I have to iron all these clothes because I left them in the dryer and I forgot to take a book back to the library that is on Jake's card that is definitely due today and I hope there isn't a charge on it because it's like 25 cents an hour or something crazy like that and I know, Jake, that 25 cents an hour is a lot of money, so I'm going to return that book right now, I promise! And I have a big paper to work on, a unit to design (units are a lot of work, mind you, a lot of work so all you people who think teachers don't have anything to do on the weekends or during the summer can just go to...Happy Land because that is not true and you are very naive for thinking so) and I have to write a check, that's right, a check, for that honorary and I don't even know how to write a check for sure because it's just an I forget what it's called check where I have to write my address and check number on it myself and that is very scary because I'm sure I will forget to write something and then they'll send it back to me or whatever people do when you don't write a check right and then I'll have to like, delete the check or some other complicated thing that I am not sure even what it is called or what to do and I really hate the thought of it altogether I think I might hire an accountant but then I'd have to pay them in checks too, I imagine so maybe I'll just married to an accountant and he can take care of all of it for me but I'm not ready for that sort of thing and I don't like any accountants and the accounting majors here at Muskingum aren't all that promising or very good-looking. Sigh!

:) But I'm not stressed, because I really don't care. I really don't care about any of it! So there!

Now I don't know if anyone else in the world does this--it might just be me, and I might just be the stupidest person alive, but it's something that happens to me every few months or so (give or take) and it annoys the living crap out of me. I don't know what "living crap" is, but this situation that I run into now and then annoys it out of me. I'll be brushing my teeth (usually it's when I am in a hurry or too tired to stand up) and BAM! I jam the toothbrush right smack into my gums, usually at the part where my lips meet my gums--a really sensitive area, mind you, when using your teeth or your lips for anything, really. Well, it really hurts, and I HATE it when it happens. Not only is it one of those things like stubbing my toe or getting a papercut, but it makes me feel like a complete moron.

Now, close your eyes...

Imagine something absolutely hilarious.... (now you can close your eyes again because you had to read this second line after you read the first line, you cheater!)




ha! wasn't that funny?


In life news (this is the sorta stuff I HAVE to write for people like the mom), I spent 7-9 today at work with the crazy kids (they were awesome today, I love them so much!), then spent 11-4 with the third graders, taking an hour lunch break at the restaurant down the street all by myself (I felt so professional like, I almost got coffee), I enjoyed my time with the third graders (I definitely think that I did choose the right profession) I opened a checking account (don't worry mom, Jake's gonna show me how to write checks and Kari will be there for me in anything I need since she is the banking professional), and I backed into a parking space for the first time in my life. Impressive, eh?

So now, here you ARE allowed, I permit you, to say to yourself, "What an incompetent, dependent, immature 21-year-old woman." Yeah, yeah, yeah...I've just been trying to avoid the adult world for too long. It was sad enough the day they started taxing me. Ah, blinkister. It's just unavoidable, I tell ya. Is it bad that I don't want to worry about things like that? Like money and checks and bills and whether or not someone is watching me back into a parking space and thinking "Why the heck is that girl takin so fricken long?" I mean, I don't think that's bad. Maybe I am incompetent or something, but you know, I have spent my childhood well and now it's just all over. It's all over, it's all over because....

I have a checkbook.


Oh stop, I'm not being "pessimistic." It's a joke. Laugh!

Allison, I enjoy you.

Let's talk about honoraries. I think these people make a buttload of money, for one thing. I think that I might give up on the teaching career thing and start an honorary. With an entire network of people, we could send out publications, get the hook up with special "deals" like airlines, restaurants, scholarships, big companies, etc., to provide special "benefits" for our members, and have each member pay the honorary (me) 60 dollars for a lifetime membership, and 30 dollars a year to renew their membership. Every year we would have conferences in several regions, where the members would volunteer to work (you know, a great way to serve and be a friend to all, an important aspect of being in the honorary), speak, and provide other necessities involved in conferences and honoraries. This is my idea of the perfect honorary.

The Fun Honorary

This honorary involves adult-friendly trampolines, those big cage-like things with slides that are filled with plastic multi-colored balls (designed for adults), keyboards that you can play by stepping on them, walking on ceilings and walls with magnetic gloves and shoes, ropes courses, rock climbing, extreme camping, white-water rafting, huge blow-up bouncy rooms like the carnival, lots of french fries and ice cream, amazing food fights--like a whole room full of spaghetti with buckets of mashed potatoes and oatmeal and baked beans to throw on each other, mock talk-show and sitcom sets to record your very own television shows, clowns that you're allowed to beat up and make fun of, lots of costumes for dress-up opportunities, finger painting ANYTHING you want to, slip and slides, huge trees to climb and rappel, huge couches and other furniture to jump on, ice skating, snow sculpturing, awesome bands (only happy bands) that interact with the audience a lot, gigantic popcorn machines, huuuuuge pizzas, mazes, big play structures and slides, swings that you're allowed to jump off of...onto trampolines or bouncy air things, carpet that is three feet deep...etc...anything you can imagine.

Members must pay 60 dollars for a lifetime membership, but for an active role, must pay 30 dollars each following year. They will receive very important, prestigious publications put out by our honorary, and must have a career that involves high stress levels. Careers include: teaching, teaching, and teaching, artists, musicians, business owners, secretaries, factory workers, social work, psychologists, doctors, police officers, fire fighters, managers, construction, bus drivers (sorry, no taxi drivers), actors, writers, and other such things.

Okay I'm going to dinner.

Yeah Jeff, what is it anyway about Winey keeping the band thing on the downlow? I think he just wants to keep it to himself for awhile until things are sorted out. Or maybe now that he's famous and he has a girlfriend he'll just forget about stupid me. He won't forget you, though. No one could forget you. Not even if they tried....

:)

If I could eat only one meal for the rest of my life, it would be that chicken and dressing stuff all mixed together, spaghetti, garlic bread, meatballs, and water and iced tea and cherry cheesecake for dessert. Yeah, that's a big meal, I know.

If I had to change my name, I think I'd change it to Giselle or Marie. Giselle because it was my French name in high school and it really kinda stuck with me. I don't really like the name Marie but I think it fits me well. My favorite girl name is Clara and my favorite boy name is Joel.

If I were to have my choice of car, any car, that I wanted, I would want a1981 yellow convertible mustang that isn't in mint condition but has a lot of personality. ;-)

If I were to win 100,000 dollars, I would stock up on the following items:

construction paper
stickers
shaving cream
face lotion
the perfume, "Heavenly" and the lotion, too
those expensive Gillette razor blades
printer paper
post-its
pens
deoderant
Scotch(TM) tape
Duct tape
tiaras

because I am the princess :)

If I lived on a farm, I would want two rabbits, two horses, about four sheep, a few cats, a bloodhound and a beagle, a family of pigs, two cows, and a goat named Muffy II. I would get up early in the morning and make breakfast, lunches, and even start on some dinner stuff and I'd make apple pie now and then, too. I'd go out to the woods and pick raspberries and make raspberry jam, and when it was too cold outside to do all that stuff, I'd write to all my friends, paint random things around the house, read books, and wash the windows. But I would never do the dishes. Eck.

If I lived in Wyoming, I would want a little cute house cottage-like thing with wood siding like stuff that is a woodwashed pale yellow sort of color with pale green or blue shutters. It would be near the mountains with a spectacular view but not high in the mountains, maybe just at some midpoint or something. The house would have a huge front porch with a porch swing and my family and I would spend ALL day outside, except maybe in the winter when we would spend some time around the fireplace. There would be a swimming hole that had a rope to swing on and jump into the water, that was totally secluded and just for me and my "family," if I had one. I would have a big fat gray cat and his name would be Tchaikovsky, Tchai for short, and we would also have a cute puppy dog of course and the kids could name it whatever they wanted to as long as it wasn't something like "Puffy" because that's a stupid name.

If I lived in the city, I would live way up high in a cute little apartment and I'd have strange little plants and herbs growing outside on the balcony with two of those Amish, wooden sliding rocking chair things. I'd learn how to speak Japanese so that I could talk to the Japanese man who owns the corner drug store. I would open a little bookstore that sells books, of course, and strange, intellectual type music and lots of cappucino. There would be a children's section and on Sunday afternoons I would have a special children's time where I read little kids' books in funny costumes and even read them some of my own stories. In my spare time I'd work down at the soup kitchen on the other side of the city. I'd take buses and stay on them for an hour just to see all the different people and think about where they might be going. I would make sure to wear out of place country-ish clothes, like long loose dresses and summer hats and sandles.

If I lived on the beach, I would write all the time and drink tall glasses of lemonade and iced tea in a big beach hat and a yellow sundress. I would walk up and down the shore, up and down, up and down. I would learn how to kayak really well and kayak out in the ocean. I would have a big lovable labrador retriever that would run with me on the beach and a lovable kitty that would read with me at night.

If I lived right here in Ohio, I would live out in the country and teach at some teeny tiny elementary school in a teeny tiny town where I knew all the people because of church functions. I would live in a cute little house and I'd have a couple horses in a barn out back so that I could just ride them down the roads and through the woods. I would have picnics all the time, and campfires, and snowball fights. And on the weekends sometimes my "family" and I, if I have one, would go visit grandma and grandpa, and sometimes, I'd just send my kids to visit grandma and grandpa. I'd go fishing and hiking and camping. There would be a creek in the woods and I'd walk down there just to sit and put my feet in the water for a long, long time and I'd lay back on the grass and look up through the trees and just relax for a long, long time...

It was nice being at church today. Nancy caught me right away and shouted, "Aaah! It's VBS Sunday!" and handed me a form about teaching vacation bible school--one of those things I swore I'd never do again because of all the money and time it took, but I am wishing I could do again because I love it. So many things are like that, aren't they? Just like I swore I wouldn't miss camp but a part of me really misses it. I knew I would miss the kids--and rock climbing, of course. I miss rock climbing a lot.

Hahaha Jeff you are soooo funny!

I got caught up on some cool church news. Like Emily's dad and PDA are in Cambodia. PDA is always in Cambodia. Winey's band got signed onto Victory Records (check out their band Eiffel Rev on mp3, I don't know if that's spelled right, correct me if you know). Imhoffs got some new lambs. Awww! And some lady was miraculously healed of leukemia after the doctor told her she only had about 2 hours to live. She was there today and approximately ten days ago, she was supposed to die! Praise God. Pastor Clancy and his church planting team in Marysville, Ohio is doing well, and so is their family. Cool deal.

So I'm sure you all care about that a lot.

I made it through the blustery snow! My parents packed me up with a blanket (in case I got stuck on the side of the road), sunglasses (to reduce the glare of the snow), water (so I didn't get dehydrated if I got stranded) and they were really freakish, yeah. So then everyone here at school was worried about me, too and I didn't even know we had a level three and that classes and even dinner was cancelled. Weird. I didn't think it was that bad. It's a good thing the 'rents don't know how fast I was going :)

hehehe....

Okay, I've had enough of the puppy.

I went on a loooong shopping trip today. First, my brother and I got our haircut together, but it was a half hour wait, so we spent half an hour in the bookstore. I LOVE bookstores. I wanted so many of those books, but they were all hardback and over 16 dollars. I can't spend 16 dollars on a book. Then, we stopped by the root beer stand to see my little cuz, Drew, and of course we got food while we were there. When we got back, Sara was jealous, so I had to take her to the root beer stand too and get her some carnival fries as well. Then, after dropping her off at home, I went to Woo-town to shop... I spent an hour and a half in the Christian bookstore...I bought four books and read a chapter on The Worldwide Church of God in a book about cults (just to be a little more sure of what I'm getting into). It was very intriguing and informative and I feel good about it all, not that I didn't before. Then I think the young teenager guy working there thought I was hitting on him. All I did was smile and say hi. I can't smile and say hi? The kid was like 16 and all dressed in Abercrombie with this hip-looking curly hair like the guy on Joe Millionare. Get a life, jack. He spent the rest of the time avoiding eye contact and showing off. I can tell when guys are showing off and trying to act cool. I ain't stupid. I have darn good intuition, thank you very much. Some old lady was trying to find a good book about dating for her granddaughter. Since I've read them all, I helped her out :) Then I drove down to JCPenneys and wow, I was mad at JCPenneys because everything they had in MY size was stupid looking. It was either really low cut, really high cut, see-through, or just stupid. I needed some teacher clothes. What? No one dresses professionally unless they're in plus sizes? I found cute stuff in the plus sizes and the petite sizes but no 6-7's. Dude. I feel so...I don't know the word for it. So I looked and looked and finally I did find some cute things. Then I went to Fashion Bug. I can always find cheap stuff there because a cool, hip high school girl wouldn't be caught dead walking in there. Therefore, they have a lot of markdowns on cute-looking size 6-7's. They have cute shoes, too. Well, the main purpose of the shopping trip was to find some brown dress shoes and a brown/khaki skirt or pair of pants. I got the shoes at Penney's. Right when I walked in to Fashion Bug, I saw the PERFECT khaki-colored skirt that was just gorgeous--free-flowing, loose, but shapely,you know? It was wonderful. Then I realized I was in the plus section. Dangit! Finally, I did find what I was looking for. I got a skirt there to match all the other things I bought at JCPenney's and tried on some hats. I ended up going with a head wrap thing to match the skirt. Cool deal. It's way stellar.

So I've decided that a good thing to do is skip out on the American Eagle/Abercrombie/Express, etc. clothes and go to the places "cool" girls don't go because not only is it cheaper, but more importantly, it's not as freaky. I just think it's freaky when someone else has the same sweater as me. That's weird. It's MY sweater, you know? Ew. So I avoided Maurice's because that store is pretty up there on the cool list and Elder-Beerman's is sometimes on the cool list. JCPenney's and Fashion Bug are not on the cool list. I don't know why, but it's just a fact of life. My whole goal is to avoid having the same clothes as someone else. I should just become a seamstress.

Meanwhile, life is good here on the homefront. I ate lots of carrots today, some kiwi, and strawberries. Mmmmh! And who said God doesn't make candy?

"Mercy unto you, and peace, and love, be multiplied." -Jude 1:2

I got a puppy!

Well, my family did. He is the cutest thing in the whole entire world. He's part beagle and part shepherd. German shepherd, I imagine, not a field shepherd, although there have been some pretty amazing shepherds throughout history. I don't think this one is very smart. Mozie is definitely smarter. But he does know how to play and run and cuddle and his fur isn’t too shaggy but he has that loose-like beagle skin that’s just so squeezable and he does the little puppy head-tilt thing with the adorable beagle eyes that’s just to die for.

His name is Charlie.

Mozie is adjusting to Charlie quite well. He freaks out a little bit periodically and Charlie’s nose has been scratched more than once, but I think they will become friends. Mozie doesn’t seem too jealous or anything and he really isn’t very scared of him. Mozie and I had good Mommy/Kitty time today despite Charlie‘s presence.

He sleeps with his legs straight out in front of him!

Oh yes, I am at home this weekend. I watched Bourne Identity with my mom and JR. My mom, she knows me so well, had spaghetti and garlic bread AND ice cream cake for me when we got home (JR made the spaghetti). Then, Sara was really horribly sick. She’s gotten so big. And Jordan’s gotten....snottier. :) Jordan and I read a book together and walked/ran the dog together. Good brother/sister time. Sara was throwing up in the bathroom. JR got me a really cool Valentine’s Day basket. How sweet :)

Hugs and Kisses to all of you! I hope you had an EXCELLENT Valentine’s Day because ALL of you have the best love of all....

me!

Just kidding. You know what I was going to say!

Grace-n-peace to all of you <><

Thanks so much for the awesome posts :) You are all so very supportive and understanding. Mom, you're awesome, and the best protector I've ever had!

Anyway, I am dead tired...my computer is being a jerk, I've been wearing some severely restrictive panty hose and things all day, and my feet are freezing. It's midnight. Jake called and asked if I wanted to come over and I had to say no. He told me to eat a Little Debbie Valentine Cake tomorrow and said I should have told him I was leaving tomorrow at 3:30 because he had "plans" for us. I like him.

I just got done counting syllables and words and sentences for an hour and a half. That was fun. And I have a horrible quiz tomorrow. The information isn't sticking. It's my cerebral cortex. Can I have a sick day?

I had my first day of field experience with the third graders...it was great! I am thrilled. Maybe I'll teach 3rd instead, who knows. I was interviewed for our school newspaper about the Global Student Teaching Program. Yay :) I feel popular. I worked out a lot today--cardio. I hate cardio workouts, but it felt good because I didn't quit halfway like I usually do. Then, I took an hour nap. I wish I were a cat. I'd sleep a lot and cuddle with people. Only some people.

I like teaching and hats and cats and Valentine's Day cakes in the freezer and sausage gravy and biscuits and fettucine alfredo with parsley and I like to talk in a British accent and I wonder why there isn't a Valentine's Day song because I keep wanting to sing Happy Valentine's Day but I can't get a good tune. Dash it all.

I got this card yesterday from my aunt Vicky that was very uplifting. She and I were both sexually abused when we were young. Some of you might be saying right now "Oh my gosh, I can't believe she is talking about this!" because about 90 people read this thing. But you know what? It's not anything to be ashamed of. I'm tired of people living in denial about things, and I'm glad that my aunt can write to me and say, "It's okay...I understand...God is there for you." And then she said "You are a precious young woman." Why yes, yes I know :) It's annoying when people ignore the facts. But it's also annoying when people expect me to just "let it go."

Now don't get me wrong, I have forgiven those who have hurt me. I understand that God is totally capable of putting me back together and keeping me together. I also hope that those who have hurt me and my family will (or did) find God and that God will heal their sick, perverted minds, even though they totally do not deserve it (no one deserves God's grace). Hell is certainly not something I'd wish on anyone.

Now my problem is that people might expect me to just be "best friends" with the people. Let them make acquaintances with my little sister and brother. Hmm let me think about that....NO. I don't know if this is biblically based or not, but I do know that around 1 Corinthians 4 or 5 or something like that, it tells us to cast out those who are sexually immoral, into the hands of Satan, so that they may be saved on the day Jesus comes back for them, or something like that... This is speaking of a person within the church, however. I'm not sure if these people had or have been "saved" or not, but I'm thinking I don't want to take the risk of subjecting my brother and sister to such perversity, and I sure as heck don't want all the emotional trauma I experience with their presence. I don't know. It useless to try to justify it, I guess. I just know that even though I have forgiven, it still hurts, the side effects still exist, and God has worked awesome wonders in my life. It is so difficult to go through psychology classes where in every single one they list all the "side effects" and "symptoms" of child abuse---seeing how many I match, making sure I don't do things like "avoid eye contact," "avoid strong attachments," become overly "promiscuous..." And I wonder if my mood swings and stomach problems and trust issues are all because I was sexually abused. And daggone it, every single "law" show and movie somehow manages to talk about sex offenders.

Anyway, the symptoms and side effects are dumb. They're all things I struggle with and I don't know why or how it was caused or if it has anything to do with being abused as a young child. But you know what? There's no excuse and there should be no whining coming from me...because God can heal ANYTHING and with God I can find peace and strength and overcome ANYTHING. He is all I need.

Oh, one of the side effects is a tendency towards being "religious." Maybe just because it makes me feel loved. Ha! Or maybe it's more than that.

Well...today is not a good day, to say the least, and this week will probably not be among my top ten. Anyway, it just might be good and I'm not sure what would make it better, honestly, but really I just can't wait to go home on Friday.

I started reading a book...for fun! Amazing, huh? I haven't done that since the beginning of this summer when I didn't have a job :) Word on the street is that Harry Potter book 5 is coming out soon...I'll have to grab one (or hopefully just read the one my mom buys...after she reads it, JR reads it, and they read it to Jordan and Sara). It sounds really dorky that I read Harry Potter. I thought my mom was a big dork when she started reading them, too. But really, they are really good. Jordan and Sara, only ages 8 and 6, will sit and listen to Harry Potter for hours...quality reading time, I'd say, and quality family time as well. My mom always read me the Little House on the Prairie books. Those are pretty boring and I am positive Jordan and Sara would never in a million years listen to them (too many girls). I do understand why some people might think Harry Potter is dangerous, but have you seen Walt Disney's Sleeping Beauty lately? It's pretty bad, too. And in The Lion King, Simba lays on top of Nala and licks her. That's pretty bad, I'd say. Well, Jordan and Sara know that Harry Potter isn't real, and they know that Santa Claus isn't real, but sometimes it is fun to pretend :)

My best friend from kindergarten all the way through 10th grade had this nephew (I imagine he still is her nephew) that thought it'd be cool to pretend to be a dog. Normally, these phases in 3-5 year old children last a couple days, occur every now and then over a span of a week, or something like that. This kid acted like a dog for a good two or three years, I think. He rarely talked--just whimpered and barked. What would I do if my kid acted like a dog for three years? I don't know, but I might take him to a psychiatrist. Is it just that he has a highly active imagination? Or not enough imagination that he can't think of anything else to be? Or is he hiding from something? The kid was growing up in a small house of about five adults, plus a very clingy grandmother and aunt that always took him on walks to see all the flowers, without a good father figure. He knew every type of flower and animal imaginable...more than I know, that's for sure. I wonder what's up with this kid now.

I think I'll be a good parent. A strange one, probably, but a good one. I want my kids to do a lot of the things they want to do--like if they want to be called "Shula Cabula" for a day, I'd play along, and if they want to wear a pair of bunny ears to the store, I just might let them. But if he/she acted like a dog for a straight week, maybe even three days, I'd get pretty sick of it. I don't know. I'd encourage them to act like other animals for awhile. And I surely would never let them drink out of a bowl on the floor beside the dinner table or on the dinner table (for more than one meal). This little kid sure enough did drink out of bowls on the floor.

I've been making Valentines since 3:30 (it is now 5:15). Don't give your hopes up, though...they're pretty time consuming, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to stop soon. I think that I'm a sort of crafty person, but because I hate to waste time on things that people will probably throw away, I usually don't do things like this...and besides, construction paper and glue can be really annoying (especially when I just drank a ton of cappucino and my hands are shaking like mad crazy. Don't worry, though, I'm not addicted! I seriously just drank it because my throat has been killing me and I can't drink hot chocolate and hot water doesn't sound very appetizing at all).

Okay bye.

Shhhh...don't tell anyone, but I'm starting to really like snow. Weird, huh? I'm starting to like that feeling I get after coming out of the cold and my skin getting all tingly because it's warming up really fast. I enjoy the crunch of snow beneath my feet. I REALLY enjoy the crunch of the ice/snow on the edges of the sidewalks. Veronica, it's right below crunching leaves. Nothing could take the place of fall, but winter is climbing the charts. Nonetheless, it will probably always be my least favorite of seasons, but at least I'm not miserable this winter. I think that's due to some other factors, however...

Wow. Yesterday was definitely top ten of this year. I had an excellent conversation with Rachel, Beth, Sharon and Susan, Movie and Game Night was INCREDIBLY fun, lots of new faces came and had a blast, and I ate SO much nacho cheese dip that I am in some serious pain right now. It was all worth it :) Lou Sandler didn't give us a quiz, extended lots of assignments, and he didn't do anything to particularly make me want to rip hiim into shreds. I made some "friends" in the education department with some important, high-up professors that I think I can maneuver my way with into getting my tuition to pay everything for me to go to Africa, including spending money, and maybe one of them will become my education advisor. And I decided to go to Cameroon. Way to go Friday!

Here's a poem because I don't know what else to write. "I hope you hate it." ;-)


Petals (September 20, 2002)

I fall into myself
Saying I’ll never
Let go.
Time lapses and I can
Make my life like stone.
I ignore the rose
Petals on the floor.
Your roses died
So quickly, so soon.
I never used to
Appreciate
Catfish and
Tennis rackets.
Their intricacies
Disgust me.
Your dreams
Were all your own.
I never did
Love the ocean
Anyway.

Lately I've felt a little emptiness, and I've been praying about that and realized that it's not that I'm not getting enough fellowship, it's not that I'm not having enough alone time with God (although I could never have too much), and it's not that I'm caught up with sin or that there's some big "distraction" in my life...it's that I feel that I haven't been using my gifts, I haven't been pursuing the things that I know God has placed on my heart, and I haven't been developing those gifts to their full potential. So I prayed about that the other day.

And sure enough, the next day, Kaye Martin announced that the gentleman from Global Student Teaching, a program based at a university in Minnesota that I had been looking into last semester, was visiting our school. This was something I really wanted to do last semester, but this semester I was pretty blase about it. I started praying that God would reveal (bright and clearly) whether or not I was supposed to go. We have a project due in one of my classes with children's books. By coincidence, the only ones I could find to fit the criteria were on Africa. I met a super nice girl from Nigeria lastnight. Danielle talked about going overseas lastnight at Crusade. And when I opened the brochure for the program today, the first thing I saw was a line of little African children, smiling with their amazing smiles and priceless wide, beautiful eyes. Well, to make a long, detailed story short (I have class in a few minutes), I'm going to fill out this application, continue praying about it, and most likely, travel to Cameroon (which is in west Africa) next Spring.

And that's what following God's will is like...

He makes the scary things so exciting.

Soooo Jake and I have enrolled ourselves in ballroom dancing lessons at the Elks Club every other Wednesday. Dancing for me is like math--I can get it, it just takes me a little longer :) Jake, needless to say, is amazing (still haven't found something I can beat him at) and has managed to not make me feel like a complete idiot (just a semi-idiot). I have become very familiar with the appearance of Jake's brown shoes, because I stared at them for about 3 hours lastnight as we danced. In the fairy tales, the princesses just know how to dance. Where did THEY learn to dance? Surely the 7 dwarfs didn't teach Snow White and surely the fairies didn't teach Sleeping Beauty! I liked the waltz the best because I felt like I was floating (for a whole 30 seconds--after that I lost concentration and tripped up). The dance instructor said it's the man's job to make the girl look good, and if she looks bad, then it's his fault. Jake must have been doing some serious compensating because no one laughed at us, at least, and one of the ladies said it looked like I was "catching on." Then she asked Jake if he could teach them some things at the next lesson. ;-)
Anyway, it was a marvelous time, and for some reason I was extremely shy.

I cover my mouth a lot with my hand when I'm being shy. It's like I'm regressing back to six years old. I bet some of you were shy once and have come out of it---it's weird being shy again every now and then because it's like an old childhood home revisited. It's a feeling of slight bewilderment. I wasn't really bewildered, though, and I didn't want to escape or anything...I guess I'm not used to being in public anymore. I think public things make me really nervous now after being in this little private school for so long. So it is as though I am saying to myself, "This is really scary and not something I am really comfortable with, but I really want to do it!" My eyes were on the ground much of the time, I think, not just because I needed to watch Jake's feet, but I didn't want to catch anyone's eye---then I would have to smile, and blush....because I'm shy like that (believe it or not).

I'm grouchy because I am hungry and I can't eat because I lost my ID.

And the people in the cafeteria and the mail room are being mean to me.

Conversation in the mail room:

Amanda: Hi! Can you look in my mailbox and see if my ID is in there? It's Harrington, H-A-R-R.

Mail Kid: Yeah, hold on.

Mean, evil lady in the back: AHEM!

Mail Kid: She wants me to look in her mailbox FOR her ID.

Amanda: I don't care if you give it to me or not if you could just tell me if it's in there.

Mean, evil lady in the back: Tell her she can check her mail with her license!

Mail Kid looks in Amanda's mailbox anyway.

Mail Kid: Nope, not there. (hands me a paper that was in my mailbox that everyone got and anyone can get anywhere)

Mean, evil lady in the back: AHEM!

Mail Kid: It's just this stupid thing (shows her what was in Amanda's mail box).

Amanda: Okay, thanks.

Mean, evil lady in the back: She could check it with her license!

Mail Kid: I'm going to get fired.

People are such meany heads. I'm going to go eat some ramen noodles now.

February 12, 2002

The Song

Since the days I used to stay in the crosswalks,
Since the days I pretended to speak
Arabic and French,
Since the days I thought I would be a writer,
A zoologist, a teacher, and finally,
A babysitter,
Since then there was a song.

The day came when I saw that I had grown up.
I could no longer play pretend,
Could not whisper-giggle-whisper-giggle,
Could not climb under tables and
I could no longer run, jump, or skip.
But there was still that song.

Since the day I packed up that car,
And since the day I cried,
Knowing nothing would ever be the same,
And since the day
I heard the drip-dop-kling-kling
Of rain
On a small, secret pond,
I always could feel in the backstage
That song.

The day came that I sat in a room
And stared at a tree that was unaware.
It did not find me beautiful
And it ignored me for many hours.
But I stayed and watched,
Knowing it would never leave
But also knowing it would never see.
And the song still played.

The song played in the room next to me.
I sat at the window and stared,
Not picturing you or anything at all--
Not crying, not smiling, hoping but not believing,
Just listening to the song
That always played
In the backstage
Since the very beginning.

Okay, moving on from that subject...


Today was quite a glorious day. Miss Kari and I have had so much quality bonding time lately due to our new workout schedule and because we have a million classes together, and because we are in the same small-group Bible study, but mostly just because God has blessed us this semester :) Today we got in a fight on the quad and I got her ALL wet before choir. I feel kind of bad about that now (sorry, Kari!), but I figure, hey, you're only in college once, you know? And that'll be something she'll remember forever. I am pretty sure a lot of people think we're complete idiots considering we were yelling and screaming and she kept putting me in headlocks and throwing me around. Yes, Kari certainly could take me down any day. I'm thankful she goes easy on me :)

THEN another great thing was that my chicken-look-alike professor was absent today. Usually in college they just cancel class but noooo, not Lou! Thankfully, he had one of the coolest professors ever take his place and she ran that classroom like an educational Heaven. I LOVE Dr. Martin and Dr. Morrow. They are amazing.

I got my placement for field experience....THIRD GRADERS! I almost cried. Third grade is the last grade that I want to teach. I'd rather teach ANYTHING other than third grade. Silly God has decided to teach me a lesson. Sometimes I wish He'd just do what I want. Who knows, maybe I will love third grade even more than first. The good thing is that it will be a lot easier and more fun to do some lesson plans on Japan with third graders. Yes, I think I'm going to do all my lessons on Japan--a few reading and a few writing and of course, those and others will be social studies. Supposedly though, for this field experience, I am going to be evaluated by a Pathwise evaluator, and that is pretty terrifying. It wouldn't be terrifying if I were in a first-grade classroom, because I'll admit, I am an awesome teacher with first-graders. But third graders? I don't know...what if they ask questions I can't answer? What if they start fights that I can't break up? Third graders are too smart, too big, and too sarcastic for my liking. They are mean, too. They're mean to each other and to teachers sometimes, too! First graders always love their teachers. Third graders will just laugh at me and think I'm stupid. Most of them don't like to sing or read poetry or listen to weird Japanese music or write journal entries...They're old enough to say things like "THAT'S STUPID! I HATE THIS!" First graders are soooo wonderful. Oh sigh. Guess I won't be able to use songs as time fillers :-(

I am really sorry if in the last entry or so, I sounded "self-righteous." That was certainly not my intention. There are times that I write in this diary as a personal diary, not necessarily considering that a lot of people are reading it. So, I don't want to make myself sound "holier-than-thou..." or anything. In fact, I think the last entry showed more of how unholy I can be, and I was trying to encourage others in their struggles and remind them that Satan does lie, as the world lies, in many ways and from many dangerous angles. I wasn't trying to blame outside forces. I am well aware that with the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-17), I can tackle Satan's lies...but it's so difficult for us stupid humans to stay strong and close to the Lord. I fail in this so often. And for those who think Satan isn't attacking us, you're wrong. I'm sorry, but you're wrong. He does tempt us, and we must overcome those temptations, as can be seen between the temptation of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane and in some of the following passages:

"...I was afraid that somehow the tempter had tempted you and that our labor had been in vain." (1 Thessalonians 3:5).

Jesus said in Matthew chapter 16: "Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; for you are setting your mind not on divine things but on human things."

1 John 2:14: "...I write to you, young people, because you are strong and the word of God abides in you, and you have overcome the evil one."

So, I know I can't just say things like, "the devil made me do it." That is not and is never true, for no temptation is too great to avoid (1 Corinthians 10:13). I take full responsibility for the sins I commit, and trust me, I commit a lot of them, so please don't ever think that I feel more righteous than the next guy.

Satan is hardcore on seeing me fail, so when I say things to myself like "You're a loser, you failed, so give it up. There's no use trying," I believe that is a worldly lie--one that stems from the way Satan chooses to attack us. Okay, so yes, maybe that's me being stupid, but it's also a lie and it's also giving Satan a foothold (also in Scripture...please let me know if you can find it because I can't right now) if I believe it. I know that Satan does not have the power that God does---Satan is not all-knowing and all-powerful, and he does not have a hold on me as long as I embrace God. That's a choice, a choice that many people in this world make daily--to pick up our cross and follow Christ.

Once again, I apologize for ever sounding self-righteous, and I know that I am not always right, if ever right at all. It doesn't really matter if I'm right or not, and if anyone wants to think I am wrong, that's fine with me. If you want to prove I'm wrong, that's fine, too. We will find out soon enough, I'm sure.

If I can't talk about the center of my life (God) without sounding self-righteous, then what am I supposed to talk about?

Thanks :) I got a lot of feedback from that one.

So, yesterday I most certainly did feel like a failure. Not only did I fail in being kind, but I just failed in so many areas it's not even right. I wanted to focus on "kindness" yesterday, and I was just not kind at all. I even said a bad word several times that starts with A and ends with E. Seriously though, I think it was just asshole day. I've never seen so many people just be complete jerks. I think that when I make a goal for myself, Satan decides to make it extremely difficult. It's very discouraging, you know. So this morning I was laying around feeling like a big fat failure and I read this poem that is on the wall by Lindsay's bed. The last few lines say:

And when things seem dark
And hard and difficult to face
The memory of that little boy
Helps me in my race.

For all of life is like that race
With ups and downs and all
And all you have to do to win
Is rise each time you fall.

"Quit! Give up! You're beaten!" They still shout
In my face, but another voice within me says
"GET UP AND WIN THE RACE!"

So, this voice within me said, "Amanda, you haven't failed. You fell, yes, but get up and win the race."
And another voice said, "No, you can't. You're a loser, a failure, and you suck. You'll never do it. It's impossible. Look how hard you've tried already. Every time you fall! You're so behind, there's no hope!" (The little boy in the poem fell three times in the race).
But God comes back and says, "GET UP AND WIN THE RACE!"

No matter how many times we fall, we must get up and win the race. Even if we don't get first place, even if we're last, as long as we rise every time we fall, we still win.