When I was little, I had tons of dreams. Millions! I would just sit and dream and dream and dream with no shame and no holding back. I still dream a lot, but every time I do, I feel guilty. I think, “I shouldn’t just sit here and dream...I should be thankful for today and enjoy today and focus on what God wants and not just what I want. All these dreams are silly.” Hmm...I’m not sure if that view is correct or not. Dreaming too much is probably unhealthy, though. For example, I wanted to be so many things: an artist, a writer, a librarian, a teacher, a detective, a veterinarian...mostly a teacher, artist, and writer. But now it’s been decided. I’m supposed to be a teacher. That’s my major, that’s what I love doing, it only makes sense. I feel it’s where God wants me and I feel it’s using all my talents...including the creativity and all that stuff that comes along with the two other things I love, art and writing. And as a teacher I will use those talents and on the side, I can write as much as I want to, and maybe, just maybe, the things I write will be published after I’m dead, which is fine and is pretty much all I’ve wanted. As long as it’s published, who can complain? But who wants to publish what I write? And do I really want to be a teacher every day for the rest of my life? What about those other things, the BIG things that I’ve always really wanted, like having a family? Well, you can’t plan that really, can ya? And you know what? That’s pretty cool. It’s a good thing I don’t know what’s ahead in that area of my life, because if that was decided right now along with the whole occupational thing, I might go crazy. It’s a good thing God gives these things to me one at a time, so I can live day by day. If I knew what was ahead in that area, everything would just be blah, blah, blah and yada, yada, yada...I’m not ready for that, that’s for sure. I’m still into all this excitement. It’s like reading a slightly boring Christie novel....what’s next? What’s next? What’s next?
And when I hear songs, I can still daydream that I’m singing them (or someone’s singing them to me), I can still pretend sometimes that I’m rich or poor, I can pretend I’m in high school, I can PRETEND I am anything...ANYTHING I want to be. But I guess the thing about growing up and finding yourself is that it’s finally time to stop pretending. It’s time to find who you really are. Maybe some of us are scared of finding out who we really are. Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of. Because sometimes, I’m not sure if I’m that great of a person. Will I disappoint myself? Aw, that’s silly. That’s just silly! But there’s something about just falling into a career, a life...an ordinary life...that’s just....hmmm....blahhh, you know? Wow, it’s great to be in the middle. It’s great to be in between two mountains, Kendra! It is! Even if I DO feel like bashing my head into one of them sometimes!