Oh, when you wear Crest Whitestrips, you must not sneeze or cough or eat or drink. It's okay to swallow your spit, though.

I'm leaving for Christmas Conference today. JR is taking me to McDonald's on Rt. 30 to meet Frito and some others and then it's off we go. So long, folks! Pray for us! I'll be praying for you! And hopefully learning some cool new things. ;-)

Since I have decided to refrain from talking about my personal life, I'll talk about this product called "Crest Whitestrips." Everyone has probably heard of them and they have sparked somewhat of a teeth-whitening craze that has flooded the nation. Yes, nearly everyone is just dying to catch hold of something that will make their teeth glisten! Crest Whitestrips have received the best reviews compared to all the competing products. However, I would like to inform the public (all three of you) of the benefits and drawbacks of this miracle in science--or should I say, marketing? Crest Whitestrips came out just in time; the company's sales in toothpaste and other products (toothbrushes, dental floss, etc.) may not be down, but they aren't exactly on the rise, at least not until the sale of Crest Whitestrips. Now everyone is at least curious about whether or not they really work...

Well I do like cats, you know, and you also know what killed that stupid cat. Curiosity got the best of me and after dropping many hints, guess what I found under the Christmas tree? You guessed it! It's not as though my teeth are yellow, but since I have had my braces taken off (about six years ago), my teeth have been suffering. It seemed that no matter how long I brushed in junior high, I just couldn't reach all those crevices. I've been using Crest Whitestrips for a few days now, and I do not notice much difference. However, it is a two-week long process. The strips are used twice a day for half an hour each time. These 30-minute sessions can take place morning and night, both in the morning, both at lunch, or both at dinner, or whenever you like, as long as two strips (30 minutes each strip) are used on the upper teeth and the lower teeth twice a day. A big tip from me, the best advice for you, is READ THE DIRECTIONS. All of them! I wasted about three strips just trying to figure it out, and trust me, the things are not cheap! If I had read the directions and given up my cocky "this-is-so-easy" attitude, I would have saved a lot of time (and money).

All in all, I think Crest did a good job with their product. I do not know the results yet, but they seem to be working well. It'd be much easier if they were not so uncomfortable, expensive, and less time-consuming. They are known as the best product on the market, but if you want something fast (but more expensive), visit your family dentist and he or she will whiten up those pearly-yellows. :)

I am really uncomfortable right now because I have these Crest Whitestrips on my teeth...and even though I am not talking, I'm thinking in a muffled voice. Weird huh? Anyway, Merry Christmas!

Well, well, well. What am I going to write about tonight? I woke up early (8:00) this morning and went to the Y and then started painting my room. I used blue tape and everything, just like on Trading Spaces. Since I don't like people overseeing, criticizing, and advising me, I told JR to go downstairs. That's all I really want to write today. Goodbye!

I know this person that is amazing. She's the nicest person in the whole world, cares so much about everyone, is always understanding, and is so strong and persevering it's surreal. And God loved me enough and looked past all my stupid faults and blessed me with this awesome person as a roommate. Thanks, God! And Lindsay, thank you for making every day brighter. You're the only person who has never, ever, irritated me in any way. For those of you who really know me, that's saying a lot! I love you, Linds!

An eight-year-old boy's birthday present this year (I work with him at the MCCCD) was an Eminem CD. Here are some of the lyrics on that cd, that he was humming one day.


#1 - Another Public Service Announcement

[Bass Brother]
Ok
This is another
Public service announcement
brought to you in part...

*Punch*

[Rondell Beene]
Yo
This thing on?
good good hell yea
Look, im speaking on behalf of d12
and if you get affended by words like
bitch
ho
sissy
faggot
homo
lezbian
fudge packer
clit eater
all that shit like that
then you should turn this shit off right now
cuz thats just some of the shit
no thats the only shit you gonna hear on this album
its not that they dont have creativity
or some shit like that, that aint the case
we just like sayin shit like that, just to fuck with you
hey! I told you to hold him down, now hes running
fuck it *bang*
god damnit if you would have just stayed still
nothing would have happened to you
just goes to show you, if you fuck with us
shit can happen... bitch


Dealin out platinum or flop I still put it through you
Wit a luger that'll spit fire
And hit higher than a pitch by a bitch like Mariah
You think for one second since we got a deal
that we won't deal wit you in front of St. Andrew's still?
You gay rappers better learn that
I won't stop until I see 'em turn back
If you don't slow that roll you got
You gon see these Runyan Ave. niggaz that really need some Prozac
Fo' sho' that, ask the others
Brigade'll lay you down next to your mother's mother's grandmother

[Kuniva]
You know I'm feelin real rowdy tonight
Ready to fight and half the niggaz I give dap to I don't even like
The same cat who never gave a damn about your name
I gives a fuck about it like the next L.A. Clippers' game (bitch)
I kill you in ways you couldn't even fathom (punk)
You and your madame, it's really unexplainable how I have 'em
Who call theyself screamin about a challenge (what?)
Nigga we got a gift while you barely makin it off mere talent
My skills are deeply embedded even your hoe said it (uh-huh)
She was knock kneed I fucked her now she's bow legged
In the middle of rappin I drop the mic (what?)
And have a stare down and jump in the crowd and start scrappin (bitch)
Kuniv' and Kon Artis my nigga we get it crackin
While the paramedics pick you up we on the side laughin

HOOK: 1- in background
[Kon Artis]
Now this ain't funny so don't you dare laugh
Shit can happen to him and yo' ass
You can be touched don't think you can't
Cause niggaz ain't fuckin around no more man {*repeat all 2X*}

[Swifty McVay]
The feds can't hold me, I hold feds
I was born with a dark ass cloud over my head
Rainin acid, you can't refrain from gettin yo' ass kicked
Cause you talk too much - you asked for it
I'm on some massive shit, everybody ignore me
They wouldn't fuck with me if I was performin at an orgy
These niggaz get confronted (whattup now?) then they change stories
I cut you and they thinkin everything's hunky dory
I even have you pourin me the gasoline for me
Pullin up slowly, cocktailin your homie [CRASH]
You met a lot of niggaz but you wouldn't wanna know me (f'real)
Yo' ass might not even make it home wit your Roley
Don't even try, in your system like e. coli
Tryin to beef with me, nigga please yo' people die
I'm so wicked that my mama gave birth illegally
I survived the abortion immediately, SURPRISE! AAAAAH!

[Eminem]
Picture me sittin in a jail cell rottin (shit)
Or barricaded in a motel with twelve shotguns
So when the {cops} come knockin each hand's got one
Cocked, ready to dump slugs heavy as shotputs
One man army, guns can't harm me
Young and ornery, worse than my Uncle Ronnie
Ever since I got my first gun pulled on me
I can't stop airin out my dirty laundry
Middle fingers flipped and censorship
Your friends just flipped over the swift penmanship
Ever since I spit some shit on "Infinite"
I been givin it, a hundred and ten percent
Cause when I'm bent - most of my energy's spent on enemies
Eighty percent of what I invent is Hennessey
Twenty percent is from being hungry as sin
Ten's because I love being under your skin
Yeah shit can happen, so stick to rappin
Quit the yappin or I'ma lift the mac and
That can lead to another mishap happenin
Skip the crap get the can of whoop-ass crackin!

HOOK

1- continues in background
[Eminem]
It can and it will (nigga, nigga)
Fuck around with Amityville and you DIE
Insanity spills from the mentality of twelve motherfuckers
in six different bodies with their personalities split
Fuckin you up with hit after hit
Stickin you up with clip after clip
Makin you suck dick after dick
Dirty motherfuckin dozen
The Kon Artis, motherfuckin Peter S. Bizarre
Swifty McVay, the Kuniva, Dirty father fuckin Harry
Puttin you down in a cemetery, you get buried
All you of you motherfuckers suck our motherfuckin cocks!
We are not playin, we are not playin
We are not bullshittin, this is not a motherfuckin joke!
All of you motherfuckers get smoked! {*fades out*}
#3 - Pistol Pistol


[Bizarre]
Yeah, welcome to Amityville

[Swifty]
Detroit, nigga!

[Bizarre]
The reason why rappers gotta pack pistols! Ha ha ha ha!

[Chorus - Eminem]
Slick criminal wit, the shit I spit chews
like a bullet came back that just missed and hit you
I say the type of shit parents slit their wrists to
need an anthem to amp you, then this the shit to
Too many enemies on my list to sift through
nobody got my back in this bitch but this two
Sorry officer, I don't care how pissed I get you
but I don't go nowhere without my pistol pistol

[Swifty McVay]
Nigga, we violently active, so fuck with us
see I'm backwards - I slap niggas and punch bitches
Just for asking, they must've been wanting to meet the Lord
when my parents talk to me they've got mean mugs and ignore
They were snooping through my closet, seen drugs on the floor
shells from the forty-four scattered over their porch
Bustin pistols in your windows with intentions to destroy you
trying to break your neck to conversate? Bitch, I'll do it for you
Catch me laughing at your funeral when they lower you, you and your ho
you gots to go, bitches died slow and horrible
There's no tomorrow for any nigga, we'll shower you
young, Black, and powerful, (BITCH!) and I ain't gotta lie to you

[Proof]
Stepped in the door waving the four-four
blazing at po-po, escaping and lay low
They call my (?), but I spit fire
I lit five inside a fucking dickrider
The clip slider, love to blast a Mag, you're a FAG
you love being ass to ass
Grab a gun by the nose with the butt to gat-spank ya
never say that I'm a gangsta, now THAT'S gangsta
Yall niggas sound like Jigga but act like Pac
yo, my trigger got the flu and this gat might cough
It ain't nothing to tell, empty shells for the witness
I'm the hot nigga that's gonna put hell outta business
It won't be the same since we touching the game
make the hardest nigga in your crew tuck in his chain
You think this shit's a game and we're bluffing for fame?
I'll squeeze off this tech until NOTHING remains

[Chorus]

[Kuniva]
The only time that I'm at piece/peace is when I'm close to one
cause I don't know what's waiting for me when my vocals are done
Tote the gun, it's my way of life and it works
these cowardly niggas'll put your fucking life in the dirt
Cause it was wrong how they left my dog, he was priceless
alone in the streets, bleeding, staring, laying lifeless
That's why I'm heated, you never know who starts creepin
waking you up with AKs while you lie sleeping
I'd rather pack the heat and not need
rather than need one and not have it, I married this Glock-matic

[*Gunshot*]

[Kon Artis]
You know the sound when I'm spinnin round
spittin these rounds from fo' pounds
while the whole crowd is screaming as loud
from they're mouths as they possibly allow
Nothing is parallel to making you carousel
arial sommersault from ferris wheels to a pair of shells
Denaun carry the nine where I go
bullets whistle and hit you while I'm shooting at five-0
Some semi-automatic for static's the motto
spitting like [*Columbine kids*] from Colorado

[Chorus]

[Bizarre]
This nine'll turn a softy to a hard rock
it'll make Jehova's Witnesses think before they knock (Sorry, sorry!)
It'll make your grandmother come out of her hearse
it'll make Limp Bizkit get rid of Fred Durst (Ha ha!)
It'll make Holyfield start fighting
it'll make Ma$e say "Fuck church!" and go back to writing
It'll make Shyne say he sound like Biggie Smalls
it'll make R. Kelly give respect to Aaron Hall
It'll make Christopher Reeve start walking
it'll make a dog with no voice suddenly start barking
It'll make a nun turn into a filthy slut
it'll make the hardest pitbull turn into a fucking mutt
It'll make a Muslim dye his hair blonde
it'll make a redneck start to read the Holy Koran
It'll make Ike stop beating Tina
it'll make Slim Shady fall back in love with Christina
Christina Aguilera... HA HA HA HA!

[Eminem-Chorus]

[Swifty]
Ha, nigga, nigga, nigga! You better have an aim
cause if you don't - you're FINISHED - flat out, nigga, nigga, nigga
What? Fuck around and get popped with NO hesitation, straight up

[Bizarre]
Look at where the fuck we stay at!
Nigga, look where the fuck we stay at!
Fuck around with us, you get popped
#4 - Bizarre (skit)


[Bizarre]
Man did you see that hoe with them big tities?

[Kuniva]
Yo nigga what's goin on fool?

[Bizarre]
Whatup my nigga?

[Kuniva]
Nuttin man, yo, this is my girl right here SinD right here
SinD this is Bizarre I was tellin you about
That's my nigga
Yo look I'm bout to run in the store and get some forties and a coupla blunts
Man you why dont you go to the store with me

[Bizarre]All right

[Kuniva]
All right bet, I'll be back in a little bit nigga

[Bizarre]
Aight my nigga

[Sind]
So how long you been on Eminem

[Bizarre]
Eminem? Shit I don't know Eminem, I'm just in town for this little jazz festival and shit
You know, something on the side
Yo can I get you some sparkling water and shit? You want some water?

[Sind]
No, no, no thanks

[Bizarre]
How about some pig feet

[Sind]
Naw, I'm straight, I'm ready to smoke
Damn, what's takin the Kuniva So long?

*Bizarre farts*

[Sind]
No the fuck you didn't!

[Bizarre]
Girl chill out that shit came from my soul
Fuck that shit you better out dead youknowwhatimsayin
And I want you to give me a little kiss though

*Bizarre farts again*

[Sind]
A kiss? Kiss you where?

[Bizarre]
All right I'm a tell you, I'm a tell you, I'ma tell you in your ear

(Music stops)

[Bizarre]
On my booty
#5 - Nasty Minds

[Female Voice]
Stop
You want me to do what?
What are those?
You want me to stick those in your what?

:: Bizarre Laughs: HAHAHAHA ::

[Chorus: Bizarre]
What is on your nasty mind?
(Nasty mind, nasty mind)
Don't you wanna get fucked from behind?
(From behind, from behind)
They treat me like a dirty slave
(Dirty slave, dirty slave)
And beat me like I won't behave
I just wanna get freaky baby

[Swift]
I'm to Swift on my toes
To get caught up with you hoes
You don't know me
See I don't gotta front to play the role
I'm a Know-G
I know when you're being phony
See you're probably boning them officers
Just to pull up on me
That's why sixty percent of women is lonely
They getting my mix only
They trying to creep slowly because they nosey
I ain't listen to what my momma told me
I fuck 'em and pass 'em to my homies
Then he fuck 'em and pass 'em to the homies
I'm a nasty ass macaroni
You flashing fast money
You can pass the Roley
Fuck a alimony
If you want me
And ain't out screaming about your monthly
I'll be sticking your pretty ass until you turn ugly
You suddenly see stars when fucking me
Ain't no ménage
It's I-want-'em-in-threes
Release your garments
It ain't even me to hold back
I'll fuck your moms quick
Have her running around this bitch screaming
"That's my dick!!"

[Kuniva]
Yo, I know I'm dogmatic
But your pussy walls have had it
It's evident that you been fucking like a jackrabbit
But I stay focused
So I acted like I didn't notice
And fucked her with no baby lotion
And bust in the soap dish
Hoe you can quote this


#6 - Ain't Nuttin' But Music


[Eminem]
It's shit like this I kick to these rich white kids
Who just might see how fucked up this sick life is
Whoops I did it again didn't I my shit's harder
to figure out than what Britney's tit size is (oooh)
I probably pissed you off again didn't I bitch (so what?)
You and Christina Gaguilera kiss my grits {*smak*}
You know how many shits I give? I wish I did
So I can quit givin these twisted little kids ideas
This just in, Britney just dissed Justin
She just fucked Ben, got pit fucked and dick sucked him
If Affleck can get his ass licked, how come I can't, shit?
God damn bitch, I'm rich, I can't understand this
Are those pictures I made of us together on the internet
as close as I'm ever gonna get to hittin it from the back?
And shit, when it comes to that, I hit harder from the back
than Everlast, when he's pluggin Lethal in his fuckin ass
Just give me one more chance, Britney hit me one more time
Let me know what's on your mind, Whitney give me one more line
to sniff, you fuckers know what time it is
Fuck your jewelery my record's almost diamond, BEEOTCH!

[HOOK 2X: Eminem + Dr Dre]
What's goin on in the world today
People fightin, feudin, lootin, it's okay
Let it go, let it flow, let the good times roll
Tell 'em Dre (it ain't nuttin but music)

[Bizarre]
Eminem doesn't like N'Sync, well I do
So fuck him, and the Backstreet Boys too
Whatever happened to the cast of Different Strokes
Gary's broke, Todd's snortin coke, and Dana overdosed
(Awww) I got two little boys with me
Michael Jackson sent two helicopters to get me (hee-heee!)
I'm up early wit my hair curly
Me and Mr. Furly, fuckin Laverne and Shirley!

[Kuniva]
A lot of rappers are livin in la la land
That's why I let my dogs out on the Baha Men
As bad as a life I had, I'm not mad
I don't need to be a jackass to beat up my dad
My whole family's country, my grandmother's old fashioned
And she keeps askin me why I rap wit a honky
But grannie I'm a flunky I could be a junkie
I could be hangin with the hoochies out at the club scene

[Kon Artis]
So all the independent women in the house! [HOUSE!]
Show us your tits and shut your motherfuckin mouth! [WHAT?!]

[Proof]
Robert Downey, Bobby Brownie
Whitney Houston, the shit's she's usin [SNIFF!]
Jesse Jackson, reverend scandal
Got George Michael's, Tevin Campbell's
PeeWee Herman's, peep show places
Public restrooms? Beat those cases

[HOOK]

[Swifty McVay]
Huh, your mom and dad probably mad at us [for what]
We done turned their kids into little body snatchers
Aint like where I'm from, we don't bite our tongue
Are you sure you want niggaz 21 to carry guns?
It's sad but I'm glad that I'm made to rhyme
Where you work you ain't gettin paid for that overtime
It's only music, media know it but they blind
I aint in y'all light, so stay the hell up outta mine
Y'all the reason why Princess Diana ended up dyin
If you people get offended I don't care (stop cryin!)
Tryin to get us to leave cause what we say just ain't clean (uh uh)
But holdin back on what I say just ain't me

[Kon Artis]
Now what's these parents so mad for? (Your music is bad for 'em!)
For teenage kids that drink more than Ted Danson in Cheers
Carson drink beers, we all fart and piss and cuss out our bitch
(SHUT UP!) Broke or rich, I still do the same old shit
I don't jump in front of a camera and change no shit
So when they ask me about my sarcasticness
I just slap 'em, turn around and ask 'em this
#7 - American Psycho {snippet}

[Eminem]
I'm the devil
If ever there was such a thing
The results of much too many drugs
What you're seeing
I'm a mind fucked
Completely disgusting
I'm a human mutt
Fuck a being I'm a dog
Fuck lambs
I'm silencing them all
I'm involved in murders
Forensic science couldn't solve
Giants are the balls
Too big to buy a set of drawers
Might as well unzip my fly and let 'em fall
To the floor
Each thought's completely warped
I'm like a walking...talking...Ouija Board
Speaking in tongues
I've never spoke this speech before
Khem dellelleh
Enemech noomph meekh neesh meekh nohr
Have you ever experienced spirits and lyrics
When you hear 'em you scared
To stare into any mirrors when you near 'em
Well if so
Get ready for some shit yo
This some kinda sick joke?
Shit no
Motherfucking schizo
So disturbed you just go so berserk
You tip toes fist first with scissors
To slit throats that just ????
It just goes to shizow
You dizon't fizuck with
Someone this disturbed
Sipping on syzerup
So lock your doors
Drop to the floor
Get your shotguns drawn
Here comes another Clockwork Orange
Look at Bizarre
Do you really think he's right in his mind?
What the fuck you think's going through it
When he's writing his rhyme?

[Chorus x2]
You bout to
Journey into the mind of a psychopath killer
Blood spiller
Mentality much iller
Than you could ever imagine
In your wildest dreams
You feel his pain in his silent screams


#9 - That's How People Get Fucked Up


{*scratched*: "Niggaz, crackers, whiteys, jews.."}
[D12] This is how it happens to you
[D12] That's how people get fucked up
{*scratched*: "Niggaz, crackers, whiteys, jews.."}
[D12] This is how it happens to you
[D12] That's how people get fucked up

[Kuniva]
Yo, if you a loudmouth, tryin to wild out
And we see just how you layin and we peeped yo' style out
(You a punk!) When you chillin out in front of your truck and get stuck
[D12] That's how niggaz get fucked up

[Proof]
No love at home with your kinfolk
And the world just keep fuckin with your mental
And all these kids makin fun of your trenchcoat
[D12] That's how students get shot up

[Kon Artis]
Hatin on us but you come to our show
(Fuck them niggaz) I crowd surf and you let me go
(Oh no!) Whup yo' ass when I get off the flo', just so you know doe
[D12] That's how haters get fucked up

[Swifty]
When the police pull you over and shit
Then find ganja, now every month they checkin on yo' piss
They gettin mad cuz you ain't come back since, and now they sweatin you
[D12] That's how P.O.'s get fucked up

[Kuniva]
When your mans hook you up with a bitch
over the phone and when you see her she ugly as shit (god damn!)
Now at the end of date she want a kiss, AND some dick
[D12] That's how blind dates get fucked up

[Proof]
Sayin we not a real crew with a lot of skill
And only one nigga in our crew make the dollar bills
Y'all fools just mad cause y'all ain't got a deal
[D12] Local rappers talk too much

[Kon Artis]
(You don't like this pain) but you roll with punks
Manager tripped the alarm and you all get stuck
Cops got AK's, y'all only got pumps - that shit's just dumb
[D12] That's how Cousey got locked up

[Swift]
When yo' ass wanna walk in a club
Instead of tellin you to wait, the nigga wanna push and shove
(Move!) Then get trampled from the niggaz you brung, so move over
[D12] That's how bouncers get fucked up

{*scratched*: "Niggaz, crackers, whiteys, jews.."}
[D12] This is how it happens to you
[D12] That's how people get fucked up
{*scratched*: "Niggaz, crackers, whiteys, jews.."}
[D12] This is how it happens to you
[D12] That's how people get fucked up

[Kuniva]
Yo, ha, when you get your guns out of the stash
And gather all your homies up to go and shoot up a pad
Soon as you finish y'all run out of gas - you better haul ass
[D12] That's how drivebys get fucked up

[Proof]
Mixin weed with the brew, ecstasy and Kahlua
Gasoline fumes, nitrous balloons
Acid tab-lets and the magic mushrooms
[D12] That's how D12 get fucked up

[Kon Artis]
(Hey I like your records) but my album ain't dropped
(Dr. Dre's my favorite) bitch get off his jock
Got a backstage pass and I need to get off; wanna meet da-d-Doc
[D12] That's how groupies get tossed up

[Bizarre]
Drop out of school, take drugs and molest sluts
Got your girlfriend suckin on my left nut
Your parents don't like me, but guess what?
[D12] Cause Bizarre don't give a fuck

[Kuniva]
Chokin your wife all in front of your peeps (bitch!)
She toss a brick through the window of your Jeep
Get back together by the end of the week, that's so sweet
[D12] Slim and Kim argue too much

[Proof]
Invite a hoe to your house while your bitch is out
Now you got your dick all up in her fuckin mouth
Pull it out and then you bust off on her favorite blouse
[D12] That's how Clinton got caught up

[Kon Artis]
Steal cars, wreck bars, get fucked up beyond
recognition walk in tipsy clubs like we stars
Our mission every day is just to smoke bongs and fuck bitches and dogs
[D12] That's how Runyan Ave. is cut

[Swift]
When your life wasn't raised up right
Then see your mother comin home with different niggaz every night
And then you run into the one you don't like; so get the FUCK lost
[D12] That's how step-dads get fucked up

{*scratched*: "Niggaz, crackers, whiteys, jews.."}
[D12] This is how it happens to you
[D12] That's how people get fucked up
{*scratched*: "Niggaz, crackers, whiteys, jews.."}
[D12] This is how it happens to you
[D12] That's how people get fucked up
{*scratched*: "Niggaz, crackers, whiteys, jews.."}
[D12] This is how it happens to you
[D12] That's how people get fucked up
{*scratched*: "Niggaz, crackers, whiteys, jews.."}
[D12] This is how it happens to you
[D12] That's how people get fucked up
#10 - Purple Pills

[Chorus]
I take a couple uppers
I down a couple downers
But nothing compares
To these blue and yellow purple pills
I been to mushroom mountain
Once or twice but who's countin'
But nothing compares
To these blue and yellow purple pills

[Eminem]
Cool, calm, just like my mom
With a couple of valium inside her palm
It's Mr. Mischief with a trick up his sleeve
To roll up on you like Christopher Reeves
I can't describe the vibe I get
When I drive by 6 people
And 5 I hit
Ah shit
I started a mosh pit
Squashed a bitch
And stomped the foster kids
These shrooms make me hallucinate
Then I sweat till I start losing weight
Till I see dumb shit start happenin'
Dumber than Vanilla Ice tryin to rap again
So bounce, bounce, c'mon bounce
I said c'mon bounce
Everybody in the house with a half an ounce
Not weed I meant coke dumb ass sit down
We don't bullshit, better ask around
D12 throws the bomb and's dashing town
Bizarre, your mom is passing out
Get her ass on the couch 'fore she crashes out

[Kon Artist & Kuniva]
Fuck that, someone help Denaun
He's upstairs naked with a weapon drawn
Hey Von
You see me stepping on these leprechauns?
It gotta be acid cuz the X is gone
Ya I took them all dog with some parmesian
And I think my arm is gone
It's probably numb
Dumb, dumb, and full of cumm
And I think he 'bout to swallow his tongue
Scary ass it was a false alarm
You think I'm 'bout to die when I just got on
So stop acting stupid
You so high
That you might wake up with a guy
On some new shit
I think I did too much
This substance equals cuffs
Red pills, blue pills, and green
Big pills (That's ill)
Mescaline

Chorus

[Hook]
Dirty Dozen
80 of us
Shady brothers
Ladies love us
That's why our baby mothers
Love us but they hate each other
They probably wanna take each other out
And date each other
Some-, something, something, something
Something, something, something, something

[Proof]
Pop pills
Pills I pop
Pop two pills
On stilts I walk
Snort two lines that were filled with chalk
Thought it was Incredible I killed the Hulk
I wanna roll away
Like a rollerblade
Until my eyes roll back in my skull for days
And when I'm old and gray
Look for coke to smoke
I overdose
When I pack up my nose with coke
*cough cough cough*
I must have broke the choke
Had an accident when the Trojan broke
Ahh, poor baby
Born by whore lady
Now I gotta straight born *infant*
(You're crazy!)

[Swifty]
I pop four E's at one time
And I don't need water when I'm swallowing mine
(You got any shroom?)
Does Bizarre smoke crack?
I can't get job
Cuz her mom's so trashed (?)
Why the hell you niggas think I rap?
I do it just to get your company hijacked
If you like smack
Then I might too
(Swift, chill)
I just wanna get high like you
And I don't give a damn if they white or blue
Speed, shrooms, down the valiums
Even smoke weed outta vacuums
I just got some and I'm going back soon

Chorus

[Bizarre]
I'm at rave
Looking like a slave
High off chronic
Gin and tonic demonic
Body smelt like vomit
Pussy poppin', acid choppin', dope heavy guy
Heroine mescaline pimp
So ladies wanna try
Blue pills, golden seals
Got Bizarre actin' ill
Drugs kill (Yeah, right)
Bitch I'm for real
Shut your mouth you dirty slut
You know you want it in your butt
I'll put it in your cunt
Let Bizarre nutt

Chorus

#11 - Fight Music

[Chorus: Eminem]
This kinda music
Use it and you get in to do shit
Whenever you hear some shit
And you can't refuse this
Just some shit
For these kids to trash their rooms with
Just refuse whenever they asked to do shit
The type of shit
That you don't have to ask who produced it
You just know
That's the new shit
The type of shit that causes mass confusion
And drastic movement of people acting stupid

[Kon Artis]
I come to every club with intention to do harm
With a prosthetic arm
And smelling like ???? farm (?)
Hiding under tables as soon as I hear alarms
Paranoia ???? to steal from his own mom
Kuniving Kon
Artis with a bomb
Strapped to my stomach screaming
"Let's get it on"
A lust that love the drank
Drunk driving a tank
Rolling over a bank
Cops see my and faint
It's drastic
And I'm passed my limit of coke
I think I'll up my high by slitting your throat
Push a baby carriage into the street
Till it's minced meat
Your mens been beat
The minute I step foot on your street
This is fight music!

[Bizarre]
You know why my hands are so numb? (No)
Cuz my grandmother sucked my dick
And I didn't cum (Oh)
Smacked this whore for talking crap (Bitch)
So what if she's handicapped (What?)
The bitch said Bizarre couldn't rap


#12 - Instigator

(*cut 'n scratched*: "I'm an instigator" -> Swifty McVay)
[Chorus: Swifty McVay]
"I'm an instigator" - nigga can't you see?
"I'm an instigator" - ain't nobody worse than me
"I'm an instigator" - I'll be the first to beef
first to squeeze, take heed to the words I speak
"I'm an instigator" - nigga can't you see?
"I'm an instigator" - ain't nobody worse than me
"I'm an instigator" - I'll be the first to beef
first to squeeze, 'til it hurts to breathe, fuck with me
[Kon Artis]
I love gettin shit started
I instigate a peace talk into a beef talk until police need chalk
to chalk you up, have bitches walkin up
Smackin you in your face, screamin that you talk too much
Tell women you said you fucked 'em
Tell the hardest nigga you said you snuck him
Ran his pockets and stuck him
'Til they gather in front of your crib, guns and long clips
Laughin when they shoot at you over the wrong shit
I lock down your block with lies that's so believable
you'll run and grab your shotguns, glocks and nines (whattup)
Walkin blind, excite fights until they erupt (do it!)
Instigate my own death cause killin you ain't enough
[Swifty McVay]
I don't give a fuck if we beefin or not, I'll squeeze first
I'ma heat up yo' spot, I'm a nigga that breathe dirt
On these streets every day, snatchin niggaz yea
How you bitches needin work, you can get it from McVay
I'm dispiteful, I tie a hoe a maniacal foul animal
liable to leave you strapped with yo' bible (fo' real)
I'm psycho, my bullets won't fly by you
You wanna kill me? {*explosion*} You got the right to
Ain't gotta wait 'til night to snipe if I don't like you
You gettin hit in broad daylight with a white rifle
In front of yo' window I'm lookin right through
I love when I see a nigga get stuck..
[Chorus]
[Kuniva]
"I'm an instigator" - drama tends to follow me
I know, I probably owe all of my friends apologies
Lie to every bitch just to get her to swallow me
Get a lobotomy nigga this one's to my arteries
Guns are a part of me I pack more than pottery
I oughta be jailed for depicted mockery
Egg on fights to plot on the niggaz that shot at me
I don't twist the truth I just make it gothic see
I'm nothin but a liar with a big-ass mouth
Dick and fists big enough to knock your bitch-ass out
Got no reason to tell you the truth
But to be honest with you I rap with him but I don't like Proof
[Proof]
Nigga fuck you, me and Swift got plans to jump you
Type of nigga to shake your hand and stomp you
"I'm an instigator" - convince a tenth grader
to run up inside his classroom and leave the kids..
Bitch wait up, this is the season
for squeezin off triggers on niggaz for no reason
Either jump or quit runnin your mouth
Pull a gun out, but I use it 'til the bullets run out
[Chorus]
[Swifty McVay]
I throw a brick at your crib, have you standin on the porch
screamin, "Look what you did!" I ain't feelin no remorse
Nigga just pick up the kids, and Swift got first dibs
with these cherry hot slugs that'll barbecue your ribs
I'm preparin deathbeds, quick to bust lead
while I'm starin at the Feds, tearin off they legs
Once you drop dead they'll be swearin it's a plague
I'm sicker than a coke rastafarian with dreads
You get shanked if you move, ditched with no clues
Don't put shit on yo' tape but yo' skits and interludes
And once I finish you they wouldn't put it in the news
I'm nuts so you hoes ain't got the GUTS to end the feud
[Chorus]
(*cut 'n scratched*: "I'm an instigator" to fade)
#13 - Pimp Like Me

What up
I gotta tell you motherfuckers the truth
This is straight G shit
And all you can do is respect it
[Swifty McVay]
Well I'ma state my name, Swift McVay
None of y'all niggaz got shit to say
Rhymes keep comin off like a toupee
Plus I'm big headed runnin things my way
A selfish man, the back of the hand
Be slappin the hell out of hoes because I can
Prostitute, I want my loot
And I don't give a fuck about your broke-ass man and
Y'all givin niggaz what they needin
'til bitches understand I'm mean and
Swift McVay is, blowin up
Courvosier 'til I'm throwin up
Wanna playa hate me, bitch so what?
What's yo' function? Where's yo' bucks?
All you wanna do is wanna stick him up
You wanna rob me but I got too much (hah)
D-12, naturally lifted
You niggaz better duck when I cock the biscuit
You fuck wit me, I fuck wit you
Your entourage, nigga fuck them too
I got grenades
What the hell your little twenty-two gon' do?
(Y'all ain't gon' shoot)
Y'all major soft
Cops gettin mad cause I paid 'em off, made 'em cough
blood and shit
That's what the hell you motherfuckers get, we runs this bitch?
So hey, you ain't gotta be scared to fuck
If you want head, then prepare to suck (do it)
Even if the nigga don't care to nut
For every stroke, it's a hundred bucks
Respect the game, you just a slut
So open your legs up and get my duck
[Chorus: Eminem w/ Dina Rae]
You just a .. (hoe)
You just my .. (hoe)
Dirty-ass .. (hoe)
I'm yo' pimp, you my bitch
{*repeat first part 3X*}
Go get my .. (dough)
Go bring me my .. (dough)
Dirty-ass .. (hoe)
I'm yo' pimp, you my bitch
[Proof]
I don't spit game, no longer than my name
Then when my chain hang, my nuts do the same
Don't pay pussy, pussy pay me
Bitch, slut, whore or lady (yup)
And knowin the fact, I was born to mack
That's why I got a hoe in the back, blowin my sac
Got good game, that's a hood thang
What'd you brang, loot or poo-tang?
Let 'em all bang, run that cheese
Tell that trick nigga (come back please!)
Rob a L7, that's a square
You a bottom hoe, you got to know
Off you I plan to make a lot of dough
So suck fast bitch, and swallow slow
{*swish-slap-swish*} (AH!) Bitch quit talkin back
{*swish-slap-swish*} (AH!) Now walk the track
[Kon Artis]
I don't pay for ass, you pump my gas
You get slapped when we're short of cash
I get whiplash when I hit the gas
And I holla out the window of the hatch
Where's my scratch? Bitch, that's, it
Suck it stroke it make me rich
As a token of my appreciation it's
another client for you to hit
I don't give a fuck if you gotta go home to the kids
You shoulda picked another occupation trick
Now you're stuck with me, fuck with me
and I'ma slap you up in this truck
You must be out your mind or somethin
Cryin and whinin like you tired or somethin
Go suck some head until it aches for Bufferin
You don't work? You make nothin
I'm just another case of a lazy husband
[Kuniva]
I want the paper stack
Buy you an outfit, then take it back
When you page me BITCH I never page you back
You only act a certain way that I make you act (whattup)
Hoes recognize, and niggaz do too
Cause they realize that niggaz do shoot
Don't like a chick that act too cute
Bitch hold my gat down when I shoot hoops (oh yeah)
And don't be askin me, all kind of questions
All harassin me, callin stressin
Or I may have to release some aggression
Beat you to death and teach you a lesson
Lookin for handouts like you my damn spouse
Pull your pants down and fuck my mans now
Shut your damn mouth or get in the damn house
Off with the damn blouse and suck on my damn crotch
[Chorus]
[Bizarre]
Sell that pussy
Sell that pussy bitch
Get out there and switch and go make Bizarre rich
You gotta itch, you fuckin dirty bitch
Now get on the corner, and start suckin some dicks
Niggaz want pussy, and I need cash
So mom, get out there and start sellin yo' dirty ass
Bizarre quick to hit 'em, and then stick 'em
Fuck it; I'll let you hit one of my victims
(Somebody help I'm on 7 Mile and ..)
Shut up bitch, you talk too much
Now you about to get fucked in your dirty butt
You never seen a pimp like me, out here whorin
Shut your fuckin mouth and you'll be out by the mornin
Cause I'm the dirties pimp, you ever heard of
Give me my five-thousand, and take this cheeseburger (bitch!)
Go suck dick in the back of the party
So what if you on your period, blood never hurt nobody
[Chorus]
[Eminem w/ Dina Rae]
You just a .. (hoe)
You just a .. (hoe)
That's all you is .. (hoe, hoe, hoe)
You just a, dirty ass bitch
A dirty ass, nasty ass, stinky ass, filthy ass, stanky ass bitch
(Oooh, ooh-OOOH) Hahahahaha... (lahhh-aHHH)
But I love you... (hahaha) .. Kim (mmm)
[Outro]
And there you have it god damnit, the fundamentals of pimpin
You heard it here first, from the Dirtiest Dozen
you ever seen in yo' god damn life
Yo this is Rondell Fiend on the scene
And we keep the pussyholes smilin, because we always whylin
You kno what I'm sayin? Fuck all what everybody else talkin about
We let you know right here
Big pimpin, it ain't dead, we love gettin head, in a dirty-ass bed
That's just what we do
You know we was throwin heroin pimp parties back in 1968
The pussy is all great
I'll see you at eight, bitch
#14 - Blow My Buzz
[Swifty McVay]
Hmm, yeah
This just one of them days when yo' ass just wanna chill out
and motherfuckers be all in yo' ear and shit, yknowhatI'msayin?
Or that naggin bitch, that just like to hear herself talk
blowin all yo' high away
Now that's some fucked up shit, heh
but it happens, yknowhatI'msayin? Yo
[Eminem]
Yo yo yo yo
Schizophrenia, how many of ya got it?
How many motherfuckers can say they psychotic?
How many motherfuckers can say they brain dry-rotted from pot?
You got it like I got it or not?
If you did, you would know just what I'm talkin bout
When your tongue's rottin out from cotton-mouth
When you end up becomin so dependent on weed
that you end up spendin a G in the vendin machine
You got the munchies, look at you, junk food junkie
Potato chips and lunch meat, up in the front seat
Sometimes you can get so paranoid from ganja
that's it gotcha thinkin the whole world is watchin ya
Or maybe you don't smoke, maybe you just broke
But whatever your drug's yo, go for the gusto
Just don't, come fuck with me when I'm doin my drugs
You see me in the club don't come fuckin my high up and
[Chorus: D-12]
Blow, my, buzz
You want to want to just don't blow, my, buzz
(Do what you want to) And I'm gon' sit here and just roll, my, drugs
(Smoke my weeeeed) And if you talk I'm gonna fuck, you, up
(I might just whoop yo' ass) Just don't say shit and we'll be cool
[Bizarre]
{*ding dong*} Bitch let me in the house (Avon?)
No, I just came to eat your mother out
It's the big guy, doin a butterfly to the ground (go 'head!)
[Eminem] Bizarre sit yo' nasty ass down
[Bizarre]
I spot this fat bitch from across the room
Now suck my dick while your boyfriend's in the bathroom (yea yea!)
My face is pink, lookin for a sink
And don't worry bout what I put in your drink
It's called a date-rape drug, ten minutes you'll be fucked up
Open your nasty-ass legs up (yeah you whore)
Bitches I'm catchin, blunts I'm matchin
Don't call me Bizarre, I'm the Reverand Jesse Jackson
[Swifty McVay]
Who the fuck is this guy, why the hell you in my presence?
Dude be cool if you was askin me some reasonable questions
But you on some bullshit nigga, this yo' last beer (f'real)
Get the fuck off my dick and tell yo' bitch to bring here ass here
I kick a hoe out without givin her cabfare
And leave her barefooted just for naggin in my damn ear
When I'm out eatin, you fags'll interfere
They don't go until I let 'em know a mag' is sittin here
I get drunk and I smoke weed, whatcho' ass wanna hear?
I didn't answer you clear, I met Manson this year okay?
You want some yea? I'll front yo' ass a play
But other than that, get the hell out my face
Because you niggaz tryin to
[Chorus] w/ variations
[Kun] Yo Denaun you seem shook
[Kon] I really am dawg look
This fat bitch keep chasin me tryin to give me the nook
[Kun] Aww man you probably lead her on
[Kon] I just bought her a beer!
[Kun] I saw her rubbin on your head while she was wipin your tears
[Kon] I admit, I was high, but you ain't seen me cryin
[Kun] Nigga you lyin, and you blowin my high, just stop denyin it
[Kon] Well at least somebody in this bar is, this big bitch did
the ultimate by sayin she wanted to have my kids
[Kun] Look man you grown, just leave me alone, I'm in the zone
Call it a night, get stoned, and take that fat slut home
Just drink the drink, hit the dank, do some drugs
Go kill yourself
[Kon] Fuck you!
[Kun] Well stop blowin my buzz!
[Proof]
I'm at the front of the bar by the lounge in the back
with a slut on my arm while I'm downin the 'gnac
Got the pills in my system, floatin around
Everytime I start driftin, someone open they mouth
Yo my ear been spit licked and freestyled in
I think I'm goin def like old senile men
Only one good demo out of three thousand
(Yo I ain't wanna rap for you anyway, so keep talkin)
Next nigga that bump me, I'ma do the Humpty
and elbow bitches, 'til everybody jump me
(Yo man whassup wit you man why you keep bumpin me and shit)
Whassup fool? Fuck you punk!
(Motherfucker, the fuck? It's on fool it's on! Whassup then nigga?)
[Chorus] w/ variations
We'll be cool
We'll be cool if you don't talk while I'm just tryin to smoke my weed
Smoke my weed..
I'm tryin to drink with my niggaz; just shut the fuck up
while I'm just tryin to get blowed
Spittin to me some mo'.. (hehehe)
#15 - Obie Trice
Yeah, this is DJ Seven Deuce
of the Motown sounds on W-Down, ha ha
Give a big shout out to Runyan Ave.
and them Detroit players, y'knowhatImean?
And we gonna go to the phone lines right now
Caller.. {*BEEP*}
Caller my ass! You know who this is
Look I'm mad as hell
First you got Eminem, this nigga say he gon' get me on his album
No show I didn't get on it
Then he signed these niggaz D-12, these lil' punk ass niggaz
Then all of a sudden I heard he signed a new motherfucker named
[Obie Trice]
Obie Trice, first I took the underground over
The well-known asshole brought y'all whore
Then the industry start interestin me
Now I'm Shady Records like Marshall Mathers LP
Mr. Trice, the name has occured
in your conversation, but the face is a blur
And if you never spoke my name, nigga you heard
Got word, from that mega bitch that stay bootleggin
Underground since the Fu-Schnickens
Or underground since Chi-Ali was fuckin with them stupid bitches
Different species (AHHH!)
Shittin on you punk motherfuckers
with a Dirty Dozen type of feces
#16 - Devil's Night
[Eminem]
I make music to make you sick of fake music
Hate music like devil worshippin Satan music
So say your prayers, your Hail Mary's and Jesuses
Take two sticks, tape 'em together and make a crucifix
Try to stop it but you cain't do it (ha ha)
A whole generation of kids blowin out their fuckin brains to this
Kurt Cobain music - students converted to 'caine users
as soon as they heard it went out and murdered and maimed to it
What's your name?
[Swifty McVay]
Judas
Got my nine with six sharpshooters, now let's do this
I got niggaz that shoots to static - you don't understand
how I'm all up in you niggaz TV's like Carole Anne
I'm a poltergeist, lyrically I'm supposed to strike
Try to snatch this mic, you get cracked with Molson Ice
(Swifty get your own woman!) I want his wife
I'm the type to go to gamblin parties with trick dice
I rob casinos, slugs, eat those
You'd think it was the devil feedin you jalapenos
Now you out of the scene hoes shot at your clean clothes
My fo'-fo', prone to make you niggaz breathe wrong
[Chorus: Eminem]
It's Devils Night (da da dah, da-da da da dah)
It's Devils Night (da da dah, da-da da da dah duh da)
Cause I came back to rule this time!
It's Devils Night - cause I came back to take what's mine!
Yes it's Devils Night (da da dah, da-da da da dah)
It's Devils Night (da da dah, da-da da da dah duh da)
Cause I came back to rule this time!
It's Devils Night - cause I came back to take what's mine!
[Kon Artis]
It's like I'm on the john, tryin to shit and get no response
Constipated bitch, tell these pigs to back off!
The mind of rapist, Denaun never changes
Beat up strangers without a reason, I'm a anus
Walk the street in a "Beat It" jacket with a glove to match it
Drop the hat shit I put my head on opposite and step backwards
Walkin zombied it's ornery
Pullin armed robberies on politicians without a sense of camraderie
[Kuniva]
Yo, I can concoct (?) slot, plus I run with the best
Hop on a motorcycle, bustin wheelies over your chest
Bystanders standin by, thinkin oh what a mess
Blast through every hickie that them bitches put on your neck
What the fuck do you expect, when the slugs are dealt
And make you feel every ounce of pain that Bugz done felt
A deranged team, smokin grams of green
This (?)'ll make your fuckin head shake like tamborines
I pledge allegiance to the streets of the D
And if you think you out cold, catch a piece of this heat
And when it blast, it'll take off every piece of your {*scream*}
From her barettes to her cheeks to her cute little feet
[Chorus]
[Bizarre]
STOP TAKIN DRUGS!! I'm tryin
My little boy is dyin, he losin too much iron
And if I die, it won't be because I got shot
It'll be because I tied my arm in a sock and smoked rock
Takin drugs is cool, that's why I buy 'em
Shoot 'em up my ass, let your little brother try 'em
Ten years is what I'm facin
Police breakin in my house, Lil' Bow Wow in the basement
(Jermaine!) A rapist that'll bust in your mouth
I'll probably be in jail 'fore this fuckin album comes out
I'm eighteen years old, still shit in the bed
Beaten 'til I'm red, fear nothin but war and bread
It's me again, fuckin dirty jinn
So what if it burns, bitch when I stick it in
No medication, I'm out of perkasets
I lost my weed, plus my fuckin diaper's wet


When I was just a little baby boy
My mamma used to tell me these crazy things
She used to tell me my daddy was an evil man
She used to tell me he hated me
But then I got a little bit older and I realized she was the crazy one
And there was nothing I could do or say to change her
Cause that's just the way she was

They said I can't rap about being broke no more
They didn't say I can't rap about coke no more
(Ahh)
Slut, you think I won't choke no whore
Till her vocal cords don't work in her throat no more
(Ahh)
These motherfuckers are thinking I'm playin'
Thinking I'm sayin' this shit 'cause I'm thinkin' it
Just to be sayin' it
(Ahh)
Put your hands down bitch I ain't gon' shoot you
I'mma pull you to this bullet and put it through you
(Ahh)
Shut up, slut you're causing too much chaos
Just bend over and take it like a slut, ok ma
Oh, now he's raping his own mother, abusing her
Worse snortin' coke, and we gave him the Rolling Stone cover?
You're goddamn right bitch, and now it's too late
I'm triple-platnum and tragedies happened in two states
I invented violence you vile, venomous, vomital bitches
Vain, vicadin, vrin-vrin-vrin
Touch this chainsaw, left his brains all
Dangling from his neck while his head barely hangs on
Blood, guts, guns, cuts
Knives, lives, wives, nuns, sluts

Bitch, I'mma kill you
You don't wanna fuck with me
Girls leave, you ain't nothin' but a slut to me
Bitch, I'mma kill you
You don't got the balls to beef
We ain't gon' never stop beefin'
I don't squash the beef
You better kill me
I'mma be another rapper dead
For poppin' off at the mouth with shit I shouldn't have said
But when they kill me
I'm bringin' the world with me
Bitches too, you ain't nothin' but a girl to me

I said you don't wanna fuck with Shady
(Cause why?)
Cause Shady will fuckin' kill you
(Ha-ha)
You don't wanna fuck with Shady
(Why?)
Cause Shady will fuckin' kill you

Bitch, I'mma kill you
Like a murder weapon I'mma conceal you
In a closet with mildew, sheets, pillows & film you
Fuck with me, I've been through hell, shut the hell up
I'm try-na to develop these pictures of the devil to sell them
I ain't Acid Rap but I rap on acid
Got a new blow torch and just had a strap-on added
Woops, is that a subliminal hint? No!
It's criminal intent, to sodomize women again
Eminem offend? No, Eminem'll assault
And if you ever give it to him you'll give him an impulse
To do it again, then if he does it again
You probabaly end up jumping out of something up in the tents
Bitch, I'mma kill you
I ain't done, this ain't the chorus
I ain't even drug you in the woods yet to paint the forest
A bloodstain is orange after you wash it three or four times
In a tub but that's normal ain't it Norman?
Serial killer hiding murder material
In a cereal box on top of your stereo
Here we go again, we're out of out medicine
Out of our minds, and we want in yours
Let us in

"Quit tryin' to censor music
This is for your kid's amusement (The kids!)"

I went to the church that accidentally called me (due to a slip of the finger on a 4 instead of a 1 when dialing a telephone) this morning. The call was weeks ago, but I visited the church this morning. It was really wonderful. I think the congregation was confused as to why I was there. It was very fun being the mysterious girl who showed up out of nowhere all by herself in a church full of no more than 40 people. Nearly everyone in the church introduced themselves to me. At my church, people just don’t do that. First of all, there’s approximately 1800 people who attend my regular church and no one notices if someone new walks in. No one notices when I’m gone, for that matter. It’s all kind of disturbing to me, not that it really matters but it’s nice to come home and have people say, “hi, we’ve missed you!” besides your peers. At a small church, the children know you, the elderly people know you, the pastor knows you, everyone knows you.

I also got paint to paint my room today. I got the paint today, tomorrow we will begin painting. My room is going to be very...stylish. It’s going to be like a Trading Spaces episode, but better. :)

I am going to write a lot today, for my own sake, so if you don’t read every word of this, that is just fine with me.

TLC has this slogan that says “Life unscripted.” If I had a slogan like that, it would be “Life narrated.” I thought of this today as I was making my ham sandwich with two pieces of salami and American cheese (always one bite taken out of the corner of the cheese and a third piece of salami eaten during the creation of the sandwich and a few bites of ham as well). I narrate my life in my head. There is a tiny little voice, a narrator of some sort, that explains what I am thinking, not necessarily what I am doing, to some non-existent reader. As I realized this I thought, “I wish I could record all these thoughts. After a year or so, I would have quite an amazing book.” But I can’t just record my thoughts, and I can’t speak them and record them because I’m not a good talker. Here you might be thinking, “She should have said speaker, not talker.” No, there is a difference. I am not a good speaker, but I’m a better talker than a speaker, in most situations. I’m just a not a good talker. And I can’t possibly write down every thought as I drift through my day. Or as the day drifts through me.

I am always aware of my thoughts. Men seem to successfully put all their thoughts aside and focus on what is happening right this moment. I thought of this today as I walked into the bathroom, because as I walked into the bathroom I was not thinking about the bathroom at all, I was thinking about what walking into my future bathroom will be like when I am older...when I live on my own or with my own family. What sounds will I hear? Will it be a clean a bathroom? Will it be very small and dark or white and lit up flourescently? And I asked myself at this moment why I had to be so focused on the future and why I can’t just pay attention to what I’m doing and think about what is happening right now. So I did this for a moment. Putting the toilet seat down and thinking, “that is disgusting...,” I decided that I would stop thinking about our current bathroom and just try to think of nothing at all.

That movie, “What Women Want” is highly inaccurate, at least for me. If a man could hear my thoughts, he’d just hear a million different things all at once, so much that it would be completely unintelligible. I am always, always thinking of at least 5 things, if not ten or twenty. The amazing thing is that I am not worried about anything, I just think a lot. Is it normal to have a narrator inside your head? I’m sure other people in the world must have the same thing going on as I.

I’m going to the Y today, very soon. Normally I would argue right here and say that the reason I go to the Y is because it’s healthy and good for me and I want to take care of the body God so graciously gave to me. This is all very beautiful and eloquent and perhaps sometimes I could honestly say that this is the reason I am motivated to go work out for an hour or two every day or every other day or once a week or once a month. But no, that is a lie. I am motivated to go to the Y because the fact that my thighs touch each other when I walk disgusts me. Okay? Say whatever you want, that is the truth, and if YOU work out occasionally, I bet your reason is very much the same. So let’s just be honest, okay?

Later, I will write a sort of reply to this entry that says something to the effect of, "Stop being a mope! Life is good, enjoy it, smile, be happy, tra-la-la-la-la," which I will respond to right now and say, "I AM happy. Life IS good, I do enjoy it, I AM smiling." Just so you all know, these things I talked about are only the inner workings of a very small portion of my mind, and it just so happens that all the other parts are very positive and sunshiny today.

Oh, just to add something about Kendra reading the novel "Christy." That's cool, really cool. I just wanted you all to know that I wasn't referring to that novel, or rather, that series. I was referring to Agatha Christie, an excellent mystery writer. She has a really cool autobiography out and her books are interesting but not really grip-the-edge-of-your-seat, so you don't ever know what to expect, but you know that whatever it is, it's not a HUGE deal. I'm sorry, it was a poor analogy to my life. No one reads Agatha Christie.

Right now I am reading Ishmael by Daniel Quinn and The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. I highly suggest Ishmael to everyone. It is very strange and quirky, not feminine at all, but not too masculine either...it's about the life of a gorilla, told by a gorilla to some man. I just started it, so I can't give the details. Sylvia Plath, I don't suggest her because she is depressing. However, I feel a nice womanly bond to her in that weird literature sense. She was an amazing writer. It seems as though all the truly great woman writers kill themselves. Oh, no one understands the depths of a soul that can only release their thoughts to pieces of paper...

Or maybe the fact that some people do write things on paper further depresses them and that leads to suicide.

I should stop talking about death. One time my mom thought I was suicidal. In life I have been many things and in high school and junior high, I probably should have been suicidal, but I'll have you know, I've never been suicidal. I really do love my life. I'm almost positive it couldn't be much better. It's got the perfect balance of excitement and boredom...like an Agatha Chris---oh, nevermind. Lillian Jackson Braun is another mystery writer that is like Agatha Christie. Her books are about a man that solves mysteries with the help of his two siamese cats. He lives on the border of Canada and Minnesota (I think) and when he rides his old, banana seat bike into their dinky town, everyone knows him and he writes a newspaper column that the entire town reads and loves (all ten of them). There's an interesting little magic/new age/witchcrafty sort of store in the town, which is entirely out of place but adds this certain realization that people are very superstitious, mysterious, and insane. Very interesting, yes? Please note: If you actually read this entire entry word for word you probably have a mental disorder. I'm sorry for adding to your problem. You shouldn't have wasted your time.

After a day in the life of a first grade teacher I'll just say a few things...

I love kids. They love me.
With first graders I am happy, happy as could be.
Heck with my own life anyway, who really cares?
If I die single and childless, I'll be just fine.
(I hope I don't, but I'll live if I do).
They didn't believe me when I said I was seventy-five
And told me I wasn't that old, I was only fifty-seven.
They were ever-so-quiet for me,
Payed attention so well, their teacher was shocked
And I was amazed at myself.
I wore my santa hat all day but when they called me"Mrs. Clause,"
I said, "No way, I'm an elf!"
When they said goodbye,
I'll admit I almost did cry,
After only twelve hours, it's true.
Maybe I can't be a teacher, because kids,
It's SO hard to say goodbye to you!

Our stupid cat, Mozart, "Mozie," got a bed and a scratching post for Christmas. He doesn't use the scratching post. He still scratches on the wall next to it. What a dork. Can I just say, TOULOUSE never scratched on ANYTHING! He didn't have a bed and no one loved him but me and he died, the poor thing died of sadness and misery. My family gave him ulcers.

We went to eat tonight at good ol' Das Dutch Kitchen, the occupation which stole away a good portion of three years of my teenage life. Too bad the old crew isn't there, though...I loved those kids. Jimmy doesn't read this, but I'll tell you all now, he is one of the best guys ever and totally looked out for me. It was good to have substitute older brothers around. This restuarant is awesome and if you are reading this, you have automatically committed to eating there. It is on Rt. 30 on your way to Orrville/Wooster if you're coming from the east, and on your way to Massillon if you're coming from the west. It's only about 2 minutes from Orrville. Call me up and we'll do lunch.

First graders have not changed...there's still the big kids that are much too large for their age, the small kids that are much to small for their grade, the cute little boys who are going to be popular in high school and the girls that are going to be absolute knock-outs, the kids who are bad only for attention, the kids who drift into the background and are usually ignored (that was me), the extremely gifted, the extremely withdrawn, the ones who don't pay attention, the kid whose shoes are never tied, the girls who dance, the boys who would rather play trumpet than football, the girls who'd rather play soccer than twirl the baton, the kid who swears his mom told him to ride the bus today, the kids who cry for seemingly no reason, the girl who always works ahead, the boy that is always behind, the girl who can write stories pages long, the boy who can add and subtract using nothing but his head, the kid who doesn't have socially acceptable shoes and clothes and homework folders, the kid who has it all and won't associate with those who don't, but mostly, most, yes--most--first graders don't care what you look like or who you are, whether you're slow, fast, silly, crazy, funny, boring, or sad, as long as you treat them with respect and love, as long as you return their smiles, embrace them when they're hurt, and listen to what they have to say. And they have amazing, wonderful things to say.

Never underestimate the power of one little child, of one little life.

Would my Muskies come visit me if told the I was dying? I thought of that today and wrote a nice rhyming poem that has really poor rhythm, but bear with me. Here it is:

Dead By Saturday

I’ll be dead by Saturday, my dear,
So you better come quick.
You need to be here.

I’ll be dead by Saturday, my dearest.
When I take my last breath,
I do want you nearest.

I’ll be dead by Saturday, my love.
When I pass
It’s you I’ll be thinking of.

I’ll be dead by Saturday, my star.
So drive on up and don’t say
It’s too far.

I’ll be dead by Saturday, I swear!
Practice what you'll say as my life comes to a close.
I know you must care.

I’ll be dead by Saturday, my darling.
I can already feel myself
Slowly drifting...the angels are calling.

I’ll be dead by Saturday, my sweet sugar plum!
I’m not faking! I promise, it’s true.
When I’m gone, won’t YOU feel dumb!

I’ll be dead by Saturday, my dear,
So please come very soon.
I’m slipping away, I fear.

I feel so tired, so weak, so alone...
Why, why aren’t you here?
Call in the troops! They’ll bring you, I know.

Won’t you hold my hand as I leave, my dear?
For I’ll be dead by Saturday,
And that is ever so near!

Today was eventful because I spent it all at school with my very own first-grade teacher--but this time I was her assistant teacher and not a student. My mom was right (she’s always right); a first-grade class is much different from where I work where all the kids are evil, evil, EVIL! ;-) It’s the structured classroom that allows the children to have more self-control. There is just no structure where I work with those villainous children. Needless to say, my future classroom is going to be run on army-like efficiency. Today and tomorrow is nothing but fun stuff thanks to Jesus (it’s his birthday soon, you know). So today we watched Rudolph, went to a Christmas program, wrapped gifts, and some other normal lesson stuff. Tomorrow I’m wearing my red “santa” hat and my new red sweater. Hopefully the kids will let me take a nap tomorrow (they wouldn’t let me today...they said it wasn’t allowed). They are so cute. I LOVE first-graders. I just can’t get over how cute they are. They’re so smart and lovable and they like school and they love their teacher (and me) and they say funny things. For instance, this little girl (she looks like Ramona) walks in from recess and says, “Why is your hair still like that? Why are you wearing the same clothes?” So I said, “Well Sarah, it’s the still the same day. It isn’t tomorrow. It’s still today! You just went out to recess for a little bit.” She looked at the ceiling for a minute, her finger to her chin, and said, “Oh yeah!” And she walked off. Guess she hasn’t gotten the concept of time down yet.
I ate lunch in the teacher lounge with many of my old teachers and librarians and all that, and successfully avoided my 3rd grade teacher and 6th grade math teacher (they’re evil). It’s funny how the teachers have cliques and bad mouth the old principal. I guess I always thought teachers were more angelic. ;-)
I didn’t tell you all about our trip to see the Rockettes at Playhouse Square. It was exciting and I could go into detail, but I won’t. I just have one thing to say. The audience clapped every time the Rockettes did a kickline. Now one can imagine how often a tall, thin, 20-some-member group of dancers do a kickline. And yet, the audience clapped every single time. The kicklines were probably the EASIEST thing these amazing women did, and the audience still clapped. It never failed. Is that annoying? Maybe it’s just me. There were plenty of other things that deserved applause more than the kicklines. People must just LOVE kicklines.

When I was little, I had tons of dreams. Millions! I would just sit and dream and dream and dream with no shame and no holding back. I still dream a lot, but every time I do, I feel guilty. I think, “I shouldn’t just sit here and dream...I should be thankful for today and enjoy today and focus on what God wants and not just what I want. All these dreams are silly.” Hmm...I’m not sure if that view is correct or not. Dreaming too much is probably unhealthy, though. For example, I wanted to be so many things: an artist, a writer, a librarian, a teacher, a detective, a veterinarian...mostly a teacher, artist, and writer. But now it’s been decided. I’m supposed to be a teacher. That’s my major, that’s what I love doing, it only makes sense. I feel it’s where God wants me and I feel it’s using all my talents...including the creativity and all that stuff that comes along with the two other things I love, art and writing. And as a teacher I will use those talents and on the side, I can write as much as I want to, and maybe, just maybe, the things I write will be published after I’m dead, which is fine and is pretty much all I’ve wanted. As long as it’s published, who can complain? But who wants to publish what I write? And do I really want to be a teacher every day for the rest of my life? What about those other things, the BIG things that I’ve always really wanted, like having a family? Well, you can’t plan that really, can ya? And you know what? That’s pretty cool. It’s a good thing I don’t know what’s ahead in that area of my life, because if that was decided right now along with the whole occupational thing, I might go crazy. It’s a good thing God gives these things to me one at a time, so I can live day by day. If I knew what was ahead in that area, everything would just be blah, blah, blah and yada, yada, yada...I’m not ready for that, that’s for sure. I’m still into all this excitement. It’s like reading a slightly boring Christie novel....what’s next? What’s next? What’s next?
And when I hear songs, I can still daydream that I’m singing them (or someone’s singing them to me), I can still pretend sometimes that I’m rich or poor, I can pretend I’m in high school, I can PRETEND I am anything...ANYTHING I want to be. But I guess the thing about growing up and finding yourself is that it’s finally time to stop pretending. It’s time to find who you really are. Maybe some of us are scared of finding out who we really are. Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of. Because sometimes, I’m not sure if I’m that great of a person. Will I disappoint myself? Aw, that’s silly. That’s just silly! But there’s something about just falling into a career, a life...an ordinary life...that’s just....hmmm....blahhh, you know? Wow, it’s great to be in the middle. It’s great to be in between two mountains, Kendra! It is! Even if I DO feel like bashing my head into one of them sometimes!

So....It appears that I haven’t written in this diary for a long time, but I have written. This stupid website keeps deleting my stuff. I don’t know. So yesterday had all the potential of a wonderful day but due to slight catastrophes, it was pretty bad. For example, some of my parents’ credit cards were maxed out, and they knew it wasn’t supposed to be that way. That’s not good and that would leave us about a few thousand dollars in debt with money we didn’t even spend. Okay, so that was all right, and they didn’t flip out too much (my mom and JR flip out about everything). Then I locked the keys in the car, our other car (the good one) had to be taken to the shop, they don’t know what is wrong with it, and when we were shopping at Elder-Beerman’s, not only did we discover that yet another credit card had been maxed, but the girl forgot to put one of my sweaters in the bag which we didn’t realize until we got home and then my mom REALLY flipped out because they still charged us for it and it is the NICEST sweater that I really wanted (it was one of my Christmas gifts), so she went totally psycho and we drove all the way back to the store, which takes a good twenty minutes. By the time we had gotten home, my mom had calmed down and everything was just fine. I did get some awesome Christmas gifts (for me, from my mom and JR) and some things for myself. I tell ya, there’s just nothing better to me than hats, but new bottles of perfume, underwear, and sweaters are pretty nice, too. Susan would be proud (we’ll talk later).

Today has been quite lackadaisical. I was planning on going to the Y but of course ended up watching Amelie with my mom and chatting with the family and doing my sister’s hair for her Christmas program, much to her dismay. I have to do it again tonight and tomorrow. You should see her cry. It’s really sad. She hates looking girly, but she seriously looked so beautiful when she was all done, as she does all the time anyway. She wore this long, red sweater that reached nearly to her knees, with beautiful velvet black pants and a white shirt underneath the sweater, and her hair was all piled on top of her head, curlies down the side and her bangs pushed, very elegantly, to one side. Kendra would have loved it. Goodness, I think of you guys so much.

I’ve spent a lot of time (lastnight and today) watching movies of couples just missing each other...as in When Harry Met Sally and Amelie. It always works out in the end, of course, but all these love stories I see I just want to scream at them. They always just miss each other or are too stubborn to give in or yada yada yada. But if it weren’t for the big fiasco, we wouldn’t have fairy tales, now would we? Well, it’s about dinner time and my mom is making one of my FAVORITE things in the whole world. I’ll see ya later...

Kendra, I hope all is well. I miss you even more than I think I would, because you are so far away. Does that make sense? Ohhh siggghh.

Just got back from church...we got a new youth pastor, so I went to the youth group instead of service...and the Grace College basketball team was there and they were sharing some testimonies...I really like testimonies. I'm going to go eat now. :-) I found this poem on a friend's profile and I thought it was good.

"I am not a pretty girl
that is not what I do
I ain't no damsel in distress
and I don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk
maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere...

Imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you
were dirty and smiling...

I want to be more than a pretty girl"

-Ani Difranco


I miss you all...you know who you are. :)

PLEASE NOTE:

DEFINITELY HAS NO A IN IT. EVERYONE SPELLS THIS WORD WRONG ALL THE TIME!!! IT DRIVES ME CRAZY.

The Jordan and Sara Saga Continues...

Tonight, they travelled downstairs, both straddling the same broom, "flying" around in matching orange t-shirts and their underwear, waving their hands around as though they were on homecoming court, laughing all the while. Then they lost the shirts and proceded in running around the house in their underwear.

I went to my dad's house today. My grandma and sister, Colleen were there. I know I am going to be just like my grandmother when I am eighty. She can't leave the cat alone, forgets what she says, and is of course, very cute. My hands, fingers, fingernails, hair, forehead, and eyes are nearly identical to hers. She told me tonight that my grandfather wrote short stories and always sent them to magazines to be published. He was always turned down but encouraged to keep trying. He never was published. It's strange the way I am so much like my relatives without realizing it. My grandfather had his own sign-making business and he loved making games for children. I've always been a sign-maker. I love to make games and create things for children to play. He was always so quiet. I can't remember him ever talking to me, but he always made things for me. I was fascinated by his games, his handwriting, his stencils, his machines in the garage, and of course, his car. It had this smell...I can smell that smell of his old car sometimes. I don't know what the scent is, but I know I can smell it sometimes. Funny how I remember that. It must have been nearly 15 years ago. I watch my grandmother, trying to capture her, but I know I really can't. I try to capture her so that when she's gone, I'll remember. I allow myself to be sad little by little as she grows older and older, so then maybe by the time she leaves us, her departure won't leave me so sad. She is the last grandparent I have left. She is so much like me. I miss her already. I wish I would have known her longer. I wish I would have seen her grow up, I wish I could have been her friend, I wish she could remember more things, and I wish she would just be a little younger for just a moment, so I could know her for who she is and not be deterred by this thing they keep saying is Alzheimer's but I'm pretty sure is just old age. I hate it. It's not fair. I want to know my grandmother. She isn't gone. She sits there. She's right there, for crying out loud, but it's like she is already very far away. Far from me.

I went to the library today to look for some reading material for Christmas break. I didn't find the book I was looking for and instead found a book of short stories and some home interior design books. I'm thinking of making flowers out of fabric. To do this, however, I will need to buy a few supplies. After I buy those supplies I might as well have just bought fabric flowers at the dollar store. I'm sure they make them better in Taiwan than I can. After this, I went to Goodwill. It was completely innocent, I promise you...I was only looking for fabric or furniture for my new room or my room next year, and I ended up being there for an hour. I didn't find fabric, but I found a nice pair of khakis, a very cute yellow sweater, a set of sheets for my new bedroom, and some scarves to wrap around my head. Tres chic, n'est-ce pas?

Question of the day: Do I seem like a person who, when I'm quite older and married and everything, would lock myself in the bathroom, sleep in the bathtub, with a stock of books, food, and drinks for a week? See, I just read a story about a woman who did that, and everyone thought she was nuts. But you know, I think it's completely sane. What kind of person wouldn't do something like that should be the question.

Oh I forgot to tell you about the exam. It was okay. I'll probably get a B in the class. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Grrr.
Grrr.
Grrr.
Grrr.
Grrr.

So I was sitting at the dinner table tonight attempting to carry on a conversation with my mother about things when everything I said she was like, "Yeah, I read that on your online diary," which is weird because I always seem to forget that people actually read this thing. I need to be more careful of what I say. Anyway, during our conversation, my sister is acting like a complete psycho. This kid can't even sit still and she is so skinny and energetic I'm pretty sure that one of these days, her bones are gonna fall apart due to all the weird contortions she puts her body into while simply eating a normal dinner. You can imagine the things she does while in actual large outdoor spaces. I think she's part goblin. And she loves spaghetti. During our conversation, my mom gave her a third helping and Sara exclaimed "BRING IT ON!" She's 6 and she's saying this like she's 16. Ohhh dear. We've got a troublemaker on our hands. My brother, meanwhile, was just eating. He used to be the crazy one. I missed them.

MY MOM MADE ME LIKE 5 HATS! I am so, so, so happy. I have so many now. And a new scarf and hat to match my nice coat! Yippee for me. I look sooooooo cooooool. HOT actually, because they do keep me very warm! YES. YES. YES. I love these hats more than...more than....hmmm....almost as much as my scarf and coat. Not quite, but almost...maybe later I'll change my mind...ask me later.

Okay, so lastnight went well, and today I am here at my desk once again trying to study for Old Testament and I feel as though I have gotten nowhere. There is no way to know if I know this material or not until I receive our exam. I will either draw a total blank or I will have all the answers. I'm thinking I'll draw a total blank. Why did I take this class? Why? I took it to learn more about the Old Testament, and I have accomplished that. So why should I have to take the final exam? I mean of course it's only fair, but Dr. Gosnell should give me bonus points for taking this class out of sheer enjoyment and interest. This exam is over half of the Old Testament. Half of it. Every word from Job on. I'm thankful I didn't go to a Christian school because I'm sure I'd hate the Bible right about now. It's not as thrilling when you're forced to read it and tested over it...but if I weren't forced to read it and if I weren't tested over it, I'd probably still be back in Esther. So, I've learned a lot from this class. Therefore, the grade I receive in the class shouldn't matter. I mean, all grades do not matter. Nothing matters, according to Ecclesiastes, because everything is meaningless compared to God's grace. Good advice, dude Mr. Ecclesiastes.

So Jake and I went out lastnight. It was very nice. He was all dressed up (very handsomely, I might add) for his jury (it's like a final exam in music...piano), and he stops by the Lighthouse afterwards and Kendra manipulates her way into dressing me up as well and talking us into going to McDonald's. So there we were in McDonald's at about 9 lastnight, looking very classy and eating ice cream (Jake's favorite thing in the word) and french fries (definitely one of my favorites as well). It was fun...I like to dress up for fun things like that. However, the weirdness of it being like a real date (even though I don't really think it was supposed to be because it was, I think, just for fun) was extremely profound, because well, maybe Jake and I aren't the dating types. That's just not how we work, I suppose, which is great, because I've always just enjoyed hanging out with Jake in normal, everyday situations...it doesn't have to be out somewhere. That's really cool.

We ended up staying at our neighbors house until 11 chatting. This couple is hilarious. They have three little kids under the age of 8 and 2 cats. Is that perfect for me or what? And they're so much fun. I really enjoyed it. Wow. It's so nice to have some great adults (like real, grown up adults) and little kids...and kitties...around here. You don't see it often.

And I was up lastnight until 3 am. Studying? No. Talking with the girls (oh, and Tim, too of course). Should I have been studying? Yes. Oh sigh. Maybe I'll be motivated to study for OT later...

I have to truck it outta here for my Sociology exam, which I've totally blown off studying for because of my OT exam. Hmmm.