Parent Fail #9,672

God has used nothing else in my life to sanctify me more than my children and being a mom.  All of us are sinful people--we all need Christ to save us from the sin just as much as any.  As parents, we sin and our kids know it.  We know it.  


"Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him if a great millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea."  Mark 9:42


I see Maryn and Josiah imitate so much of my sin.  Sometimes it's very obvious.  Like when Maryn shouts at her brother, "Daggone it, child!  I told you to sit down!"


Sometimes it's more subtle, like when I witness one of them throw a toy in frustration, let out a heavy sigh of annoyance, or slam the cabinets in anger.  They are watching me, and I know it.  And I also know by now that of course they will imitate me.  I would expect my behavior to be better, but it's not.  


The other day, I was preparing the kids' lunches.  Almost done, I went down the line of three plates and squeezed out a little ranch dressing on each to go with the carrots.  Maryn grabbed the bottle from me and squeezed as hard as she could, pouring ranch dressing everywhere.  


And so much sin, so much pent up anger and frustration that really had nothing to do with her or that situation, rose up out of me and I threw a fit.  I walked away from the kids, went to the sink, and started slamming things (Crazy!  I know!).  I didn't swear, yell, hit or damage anything (physically anyway)--but my kids knew I was mad.  They both sensed it so strong and clearly that they both began to cry.


And what did I do?


I pretended it didn't happen.


Two days passed.  I was putting Maryn to bed last night and we were having a sweet conversation about praying, Heaven, Jesus, and things of that nature.  She looked into my eyes with that wounded look and said, "You didn't apologize."


"I didn't apologize about what?"
"When I got too much Ranch dressing," she said as her eyes filled with tears.


I had wounded my little girl's heart so deeply that two days later at age three she was still thinking about it.


"I am so sorry, Maryn.  That was terribly sinful of Mommy.  It was wrong for me to get so mad and throw a fit.  Do you forgive me?"


"Yes.  I love you," she said, and gave me a huge sleepy hug.  


We all fail as parents.  I'm so grateful that as a human I can model failure for my kids and show them how God's grace and mercy work in my life.  I'm grateful I don't have to give a big show of perfection for them and when I mess up, I don't have to feel guilty forever.  There is forgiveness.  


Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. -Hebrews 4:16