Great Expectations

Tonight is just one of those nights I need to sit down and write.  I remember these nights.  They happened long ago when I had time to think and even write down my thoughts.  It seems nights like this are rare.  But all three children are in bed at 10 pm, for once, and here I am in front of a screen when I should be climbing into bed.

It's safe to say we are all a little shaken by the events that occurred at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT on Friday.  While I was obviously disturbed and upset by what happened there, I, in usual fashion, went on with my days just like all other days.  Not really thinking, not really feeling, not really praying about any of it.

Expectations

My expectations of this season were pretty big.  Since we found out we were having a baby and that baby would be born in May, I've been looking forward to this Christmas.  How fun it will be to have a four year old, a two and a half year old, and a seven month old at Christmas?  Perhaps I will remember this Christmas for the rest of my life.  Owen's chubby little hands clawing at wrapping paper and delighted smiles at every new toy.  Josiah's sweet giggles and frosting-smeared grins.  Maryn spontaneously combusting with excitement.

And here we are...in the middle of the Christmas season.  So many children were killed.  Babies not returned to their mamas that day.  And here I am...trying to get things done, getting frustrated with my kids, dragging them around to a million things each day, pumping them with sugar and then trying to have special moments in front of the fire or reading Christmas stories or singing Christmas songs...but then someone poops or bites or hits (for my family, it's usually poop) and everything is not perfect.  Reality sets in.

When Jesus came to earth, he came in a way no one expected.  He did not overthrow the government like most Jews expected.  He fulfilled prophecies which seem so obvious to many of us now, but he was not what a lot of people expected, so they didn't recognize him as Messiah.  So many Jewish people did not know he was their King.  I read this question in my advent book today:  "Have you ever had the experience of being disappointed because your expectations clashed with reality?"

"Have you ever had the experience of being disappointed because your expectations clashed with reality?"

Do you know that this is my life?  That I have very clear expectations in my head of almost everything.  In some ways, this is a gift.  As a teacher especially, it was helpful.  I could plan our day and foresee problems or potential downfalls.  As a parent, this is not as huge of a gift.  Expect the unexpected is what they say, isn't it?  Honestly, my expectations are so huge, that this little "gift" has become a huge, whopping sin.  I have no idea how I never saw it before.  I see it there, right in the middle of my life, like a giant spider with its legs outstretched, reaching every corner of my existence.  My expectations.  Destroying friendships, messing up all my relationships, my jobs, my days.

This is the same sin as God's own people, the Jews, who were so familiar with all the prophecies and still mostly rejected Jesus as Messiah.  It's a big deal.

I think of the sweet older women who plead with young mothers to enjoy this time with my kids.  It goes so quickly.  Yes, yes I know, but...but...what?

I give up.  I can't do anything right.  Even when I am trying so, so hard.  The answer, CLEARLY, is Jesus.  I pray he would remove my fuzzy lenses of expectations and show me reality this Christmas.  Maybe reality is something to be embraced, enjoyed and experienced without fear and without reservation.  Without a plan and without financial backing.  Jesus wasn't what anyone expected.  He was so much more, and I know he has a better way for me, too, than the one I've been living.